She looked into his face, realizing that she’d been thinking so deeply she hadn’t paid attention to him. His eyes were blue. He was handsome in a forgettable way. Not tall, not short. Not fat or thin. Not particularly muscular, not out of shape. There was nothing distinctive about him. Nothing memorable.
Casey remembered what Professor Baxter had said about all films being essentially male films and being written from the point of view of the white male gaze. How there was nothing women could really do because they were defined by their relationships to men. She felt a surge of confidence that surprised even her.
“French.” She lied to his face. Her smile became seductive when she realized she was doing it and that it worked.
He seemed confused. He didn’t say anything. Finally he broke eye contact, nodded politely and ordered a drink from the bartender who had finally decided to pay attention to them.
Casey smiled at the bartender as he made their drinks. When she got them she returned to the table to find Lisa engaged in conversation with another woman. They stopped talking abruptly when Casey arrived. She looked back and forth between her friend and the stranger, wondering what had been said.
Lisa cleared her throat awkwardly and grabbed one of the glasses from Casey. “Thank you,” she said, sounding somewhat distracted.
After Casey sat down the other girl said, “my name is Ashley.”
Ashley’s appearance was striking in a way that seemed unintentional. Her red hair was done up in curls that contrasted with her blue eyes in an unexpected, but visually pleasing, way. She had freckles on her cheeks and pale skin that would be flawless if not for her pores. She dressed well but was wearing simple makeup that she wore like it was a burden – like she did her best to stay out of her own way.
“Oh,” Casey responded. “I thought your name was Lisa?”
“It is.”
They were quiet for a moment. Casey sipped at her drink, suddenly uncomfortable. She wished that Brian’s program could have given her social skills so she could talk to people with ease. Maybe that was something he would be able to put into his next version, now that he knew she was going to pay him back with more subjects for his experiment?
Casey’s mind drifted as she stared across the bar and idly ran her hand through the mess of loose hair around her neck. She wasn’t really paying attention to her friend anymore.
When she snapped out of it she noticed Lisa looking back and forth from her empty glass to the bartender who was busy serving other customers.
“Can I buy you another?” Casey offered.
“You can buy us both another round!” Came a new voice from beside them. Casey turned to see where it came from, and recognized one of the girls in her class. “Hi Ashley!” she greeted the girl.
Ashley introduced a couple friends to Casey. The two groups of girls talked animatedly between each other, and before long there was a group of five going off to the dance floor together.
The music at the club was loud and upbeat, with a solid rhythm that seemed to vibrate through Casey’s body as she let it get into her. She wasn’t always confident about her dancing, but she felt loose enough after a few drinks that she was able to put the moves down without worry.
She let her hands touch her hips, her thighs, and her butt as she moved her body back and forth. She could feel the heat from the people around her as they bumped and gyrated. She danced near the men who tried to make eye contact. They were good dancers themselves, and a couple of them even knew how to make it look like they weren’t checking her out while still paying attention to her movements.
Her classmates seemed impressed by her display. Casey thought she picked out admiration in their eyes. For her part, she found herself staring at them often and taking mental notes. It was nice to dance with so many girls her own age in a space where there was no concern about whether or not their dance moves would be acceptable.
“We’ll start recording tomorrow night. I want the setlist done tonight,” Brian insisted as he handed his friend a stack of CDs. The man gave him a curious look and opened his mouth like he was going to say something. Brian spoke before he had a chance to say it. “And this is just until you get established! Then you won’t need my help anymore.”
“Hey, that’s great man, but I meant: are those girls in your Feminist Film Studies class any good-looking?”
Brian frowned for a moment, but recovered quickly. “All of them, now hurry up and go over the setlists.”
His friend didn’t leave after that. He stared at Brian curiously while Brian tried to act like everything was normal. Brian wanted to talk about his day more. He was happy about what he had accomplished in class, but his friend kept asking questions. Finally Brian decided he should just leave and deal with his friend later.
He headed for the bar where he knew his friend Lisa and Casey went drinking. They had left their phones behind, so he couldn’t try calling them before going. He had planned to give Casey’s presentation on Feminist Film Studies to his girlfriend, but found out too late that she had cancelled. That was fine though – his friend seemed almost as excited about being in the movie as his girlfriend would have.
Brian got a drink at the bar and waited.
“Hey Bri!” Someone tapped him on the shoulder from behind. He turned around to find Ashley, a classmate and neighbor from his dorm, dressed like she had come straight from class in dark jeans and a green blouse. Her dark hair fell freely over her shoulders, framing her soft face with delicate curls.
“I haven’t seen you in ages!” She squealed excitedly while she wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. He returned the embrace warmly, but tried to break free of her as soon as he could politely do so. “How are things going with that girlfriend of yours?”
Brian frowned in confusion. “She dumped me. Months ago.”
Ashley laughed dismissively. “That was months ago! I saw you at the party with her like two weeks ago, walking arm-in-arm down the hall and singing duets while you went to your room together. You were wearing her hat and jacket, which were super cute by the way. I think that means she has laid claim to you as well.”
“Laid claim to… what? No! It wasn’t… she didn’t…” Brian stumbled through a dozen unarticulated denials before he gave up. “We just met at that party and hooked up. We ran into each other when I got here tonight and she was looking for someone to drink with.”
Ashley smiled sympathetically and brushed Brian’s shoulder reassuringly.
“Anyway,” he continued, “Casey is supposed to meet me here. Her study method is working great, but I haven’t seen her since we got this rolling. I’m starting to worry about side effects.”
“Oh!” Ashley’s eyes lit up. “Does this mean you get to play doctor?”
Brian laughed, embarrassed. “That’s not… exactly… well…”
Ashley giggled wickedly. “Just make sure you check all of her holes first – I hear Casey is tight like a vice.”
“Fuck!” Brian cursed himself while his mind raced. “You’re just jealous because you’d die of embarrassment if anyone knew your real name.”
“Awww, but then you wouldn’t have anything to call me while we were having sex!”
“Whatever,” he muttered. He was flustered that Ashley had somehow learned about that night with Casey, and even more frustrated that she clearly had no intention of keeping quiet about it. His face felt like it was going to burst into flames.
“So are you going to see her tonight or not?” Ashley demanded in her usual straightforward way.
Brian rolled his eyes. “She has some guy over right now.”
“So… you’re just going to wait here like a creepy stalker until he leaves?” Ashley laughed.
“That’s not… I wasn’t… no!”
Ashley patted his back reassuringly. “Well, at least there’s one girl around here you haven’t fucked yet.” She kissed his cheek as she got up to leave him alone in the cafe.
The truth was that he only saw her once in a while after they had sex once, so he didn’t really feel that his relationship with Ashley was that close anymore.
He still talked with Amanda often, but it was hard for Brian to see Amanda as one of his closest friends after their relationship began and ended over the course of a couple months. Amanda now spent most of her time with other friends from class, so Brian saw her only occasionally when she had a new problem to discuss.
Of all of them, Brian still spent the most time with Casey. His program for her had gone smoothly enough, although he had worried after she didn’t attend any classes for two weeks. When she returned from her sick leave with her hair dyed blonde she refused to tell him whether his program caused it, or if it was something else entirely. Her results were the best he ever got, and he couldn’t fault the results even if he felt unsure about their source.
For the film project they decided to recreate Brian’s favorite scene from Pulp Fiction – where Jules does his Big Bopper monologue before he executes the convenience store robbers. They changed a lot of details so no one could complain of copyright infringement. Brian played Marsellus Wallace’s hit man, a black lesbian played Pumpkin (Casey had wanted to avoid racial stereotyping by giving the role to a white woman, but Brian told her he didn’t think Tarantino would have any such concerns), and a number of other women with a variety of different skin tones and physical features portrayed Butch.
The short film received mixed reviews from Professor Baxter. The students were universally shocked that one of their fellow students would produce such a video. Many students claimed not to understand what, if anything, it had to do with feminism. Only Professor Baxter seemed to grasp how Casey was making the point that male fantasies about women can dehumanize women into sex objects, which ultimately make us interchangeable because all we care about is whether the particular woman fulfills male sexual ideals.
Casey was elated by the outcome, and especially pleased that her film wasn’t as dry and humorless as she once thought. She was sure that her interpretation had some flaws, but overall she felt very satisfied with her work.
She also felt that her grades in the course should reflect how hard she studied and all the effort she put into passing the class. But after she got her first test score, she couldn’t imagine how she passed the semester with a D- average. She spent hours studying each week, and yet she barely scored better on an exam than she had managed on her first attempt without any studying at all.
After one particularly difficult midterm exam, Casey went straight home to cry into her pillow. She felt like the only reason she did so well on her midterms and final exams was because Brian gave her that private tutoring. But that hardly counted towards her grade! Professor Baxter gave Casey low marks for most of her tests and quizzes because they reflected her “disregard for feminist theory”. Casey felt frustrated at being punished for working so hard – Brian gave her those results, why couldn’t the professor just accept that?
That evening Brian texted Casey to let her know that he was available to see her if she wanted him to check in on how the program was working for her. Casey had mostly forgotten their appointment until he mentioned it, which she told herself didn’t count as missing it, although Brian said it did. She agreed to meet him at his place, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave her bed. She ended up sending him a vague reply saying that she was busy this weekend. He texted back that they would reschedule and not to worry about it.
On Sunday afternoon Casey looked in the mirror to apply some mascara before she went out with friends. She was pleasantly surprised by the look – her eyes were gorgeous now that she could see them clearly. As she examined her reflection she wondered if maybe she could wear makeup every day. She started to dab on some foundation, then stopped. It was time for lunch, and she still needed to get ready.
She put the makeup down and stared at herself again. Maybe next time, she thought as she put on her jacket and rushed out. She wasn’t late, exactly, but she didn’t want to keep any of her friends waiting. They might not understand.
When Casey arrived home from her brunch date she found herself eager to try out more makeup. She felt pretty as she applied a smoky eye with light blush and dark red lipstick. Her lips looked puffy and inviting.
It had never occurred to Casey that she could make herself beautiful like this. She never considered the idea that men might find her attractive, but when she thought about the way the men in her classes acted around her she wondered if maybe she was underestimating herself.
Casey had heard Brian talk about movies starring Milla Jovovich, Angelina Jolie, Uma Thurman, and Megan Fox. He talked about how women were objectified in their roles as kick-ass action heroes. When he described the scenes where they used their sexual charms to distract thugs or use their bodies to win fights, his eyes had an almost dreamy look.
Casey understood that men enjoyed watching movies about pretty women doing dangerous things. As a woman, though, she had always taken for granted that she would never get to portray the kind of characters that guys enjoyed. Even now, after she saw what Brian wanted her to do, she wasn’t sure she believed him.
“Hey! I’ve got a question for you!” Casey leaned forward to speak to Lisa conspiratorially, but mostly so that she wouldn’t risk being overheard. “Is the hot teacher trope really that big? You know, the nerdy guy who turns into a stud while taking his glasses off? Or do you think that’s all exaggerated?
“Uh,” Lisa sputtered nervously. “What?”
“You know, I’ve been trying to understand what kind of stories men like to see films about. We’re always told that men like action movies and sci fi, and sometimes porno even though it doesn’t count as a story. I just wanna know if men really dig the hot teacher thing.”
“Uhhhh…” Lisa was looking for words when her phone chimed with a message from their friend Sarah. They met Sarah at the bar and she greeted them.
“Woah, did someone die?” Sarah asked with a gesture towards Casey.
Casey’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Why?”
“You look different somehow. Like someone’s grandma is haunting your body or something.”
Casey chuckled. “Naw, it’s all these Feminist Film Studies classes I’m taking. I guess I wasn’t seeing myself clearly.”
“Ok, fine, you win. I give up,” Lisa raised her hands defensively as she surrendered.
The girls finished their drinks and went home, parting ways at the bus stop. Casey checked her phone, and saw that Brian would arrive within the hour. Her heart fluttered when she remembered how much she owed him, and she felt a rush of nervousness wondering if he would ever collect on his promised debt.
On the bus ride home Casey stared at her reflection in the darkened bus window. Her messy bun, pale skin, and black clothing gave her a sickly look. Her hair hung limp around her face.
When Casey got off the bus she looked down at herself critically. She decided that the black hoodie looked sloppy and formless even though it wasn’t really all that oversized. It seemed like something an awkward teenage boy would wear, not a 25-year-old woman.
Casey tried to think about what to change into before meeting with Brian. She didn’t own many outfits, but suddenly they all seemed inadequate. If she wore the red dress with her favorite black flats she’d look cute and stylish, but too dressed up. The blue shirt and white skirt felt casual but kind of frumpy. Her pink sweater would go better with jeans than with this gray pleated skirt. And she’d look great in a pair of heels…
“What am I doing?” Casey asked herself. “Do I seriously care this much what some guy will think of me?”
The thought stopped Casey dead. Did she actually give a fuck how Brian saw her? She tried to ignore it and head straight back home, but something about his comment made her pause and glance toward the store windows. She checked out the display, imagining herself in a form-fitting gray dress and tall, shiny black boots. The image caught in her mind. She looked like an actual woman!
“I should get new shoes too,” Casey said to herself. “And new clothes. I can find them cheap, so why not? Just until I graduate anyway, right?”
By the time Casey made it home she was exhausted. She threw her books down on the kitchen table with a sigh of relief, then grabbed her MP3 player and put the earbuds in before continuing to her room. She collapsed into bed without bothering to remove anything else besides her headphones.
She woke up feeling excited and ready to try on new outfits for Brian. When she walked by the mirror in the hall she noticed how tired and drawn her face looked. The bags under her eyes were more prominent than normal, and the pallid tone of her skin wasn’t offset by the dark circles.
Casey stopped mid-stride and looked at herself carefully. Her pale skin had no color to it, as if there was no blood under it at all. She stared deep into her own icy blue eyes, and shivered when her pupils grew from black dots to fill the white areas.
Something about this woman looking back at her sent shivers through Casey. She was beautiful, but strange. Not quite real somehow. More like something out of a photo shoot, or a drawing done in chalk or charcoal. An angel with black lips.
The woman reached a hand to her throat and let it run down between her breasts. When the fingers spread over her chest there were only four – two on each side where thumbs should be. She felt nothing when the hands cupped her small breasts, so she moved them lower down her abdomen and over her narrow hips. They ran down her legs, caressing them until they found her thighs. She parted her knees as the hands moved upward again and brushed the inside of her legs before meeting between them.
When she drew back the hoodie there was nothing between the top pair of hands and the lips of her labia. She pulled back the sweater, then slipped the first set of hands under her waistband to caress her vulva directly. The hands massaged her gently, sending pulses of pleasure through her body. She ran the tips of her fingers down between the folds of flesh to find her clitoris and tease it while she explored all the textures and shapes her body offered.
The woman was still feeling her own pussy when a thick cock burst from the top of her pants. The sudden intrusion made her jump for a moment, before she returned to stroking it. The penis throbbed in her hand as she ran the fingertips of her left hand from head to balls.
She stroked her member faster. At the same time she teased the lips of her vagina apart and rubbed herself on the underside of her shaft. She moved one of her sets of hands away from her penis to fondle her testicles. The woman leaned over and closed her mouth over her cockhead and moaned around it as she jerked her hips into her face.
Casey’s body shuddered as she orgasmed at the thought of servicing herself like that. She wondered what Brian would think if he knew how depraved the film had become. His role in the film was only a small cameo now, after he complained about the changes so much. Casey had taken over his role almost entirely, along with many new actors. There was even a scene where she got fucked in the ass by an older professor, who she suspected bore some resemblance to Professor Baxter.
Casey felt guilty, and she also felt like she should tell Brian all about it, but there were only two weeks until she screened the movie for her class, and it would take too long to start again with any new version.
“So,” Lisa asked as Casey wiped her fingers dry after rubbing her pussy through her pants, “can I see this film of yours that has you going mental?”
“Yeah!” Casey exclaimed. “It’s really good! You can even be in the sequel, if you want to.”
“And what is the sequel?” Lisa asked with narrowed eyes.
Casey waved a hand dismissively as she walked Lisa into her apartment and dug out the VHS tape for the first movie. “Oh, it’s mostly the same. I just changed my name to Casey Cassandra, added some new scenes, and replaced all the old scenes from Brian’s movies with footage from The Patriarchy Strikes Back.”
“The Patriarchy Strikes Back? Really?”
“Yeah! Have you seen it? It’s amazing. There’s all this action and explosions, and the fight choreography is great too! The special effects are awesome, although not quite as good as what’s used for a big studio movie. That’s why it didn’t get a wide release like Aliens.”
Lisa nodded, and looked down at the video tape Casey had placed in her hand. “Uh… sure,” she responded.
Lisa’s mind seemed to go blank as her eyes glazed over. For some reason, Lisa had the feeling she had to watch Casey’s short film before going to the bar. Now she knew that she needed to watch the video after going to the bar.
Lisa slipped the tape into her purse before Casey got suspicious. It was an action movie – one of Brian’s movies – with added subtitles pretending to be the feminist theory text Casey had been using in her study group. Even though it was an old VHS tape, Lisa still thought it might be fun to watch.
They chatted about men and the latest celebrity scandals until their other friends showed up at the bar. Then they drank to excess while gossiping about their jobs.
At closing time Lisa went home to watch the video tape and jerk off while listening to the male voice describe female subservience and sexual inferiority. Her body was on fire and she needed to cum. After watching the first half hour or so of the tape she found it almost impossible to focus on the screen. There were words in her head saying that women were only useful as sexual objects for men to enjoy, and she desperately needed to please men.
“Brian’s not going to believe it,” Casey told her reflection as she finished getting ready for her day. She didn’t know why she bothered checking her appearance again; the decision to wear makeup seemed to have changed something in her. Every time she looked in the mirror there were subtle changes – sometimes it was her clothing, other times it was her hair, or sometimes she would find that her whole look felt “off” without any single difference she could pinpoint.
She wasn’t quite sure if it was her doing this to herself, or the subliminal programming that Brian had been talking about, but she was sure that it was happening.
Brian still wanted to see her progress before he went ahead with his own plans for her film project. He told her it would have been easier if she’d brought him her Feminist Film Studies text book so he could base the programming around that, but at this point it would probably be fine.
She threw her hoodie on over her black t-shirt. She wore jeans instead of leggings, and found herself checking her pockets as if she expected them to be there even though they were usually in a purse. Casey grabbed her bag and made for the door.
Casey couldn’t stop staring at her reflection in the elevator as she made her way downstairs to the bar to meet her friends. She was surprised how much of a difference makeup and some new clothes had made to her appearance.
She knew she was pretty – people had told her that almost from day one – but she tended to hide that behind shapeless hoodies and leggings with big t-shirts, along with keeping her hair untamed. Most of her clothes were black so nobody noticed when her laundry load came out of the machine grey. The most visible part of her look was her icy blue eyes, which were the main thing about her that she used to draw attention.
With only minor changes Casey felt completely different. She pulled off her hoodie as she walked to reveal a fitted tee showing off her curves. Her hair was braided into pig tails with some soft curls that brought them down to her shoulder instead of her hips. She wore skinny jeans that showed off her ass and highlighted the height of her tall frame, and she found herself walking with a seductive sway in her hips.
Most noticeable were the subtle contours of her makeup: dark, smouldering eyes accentuated by dark shadow; pale lip gloss highlighting her full lips; a light brush of blush accentuating her natural beauty.
All this time she had spent trying to be invisible, and now Casey felt like she could see herself for the first time. Every eye in the place was on her when she walked into the bar, even though her look was relatively subtle compared to much of what they saw every night.
A couple of men tried to buy Casey and Lisa drinks. Both girls politely declined, but Casey made a mental note of the ones who approached. A cute guy tried to start up a conversation at the table next to theirs, but they talked past him without giving him an opening. A good looking man danced nearby for a while, until his date returned and the pair drifted away together.
“Why won’t anyone come over here to dance with us?” Casey whined.
“I don’t know!” Lisa shot back, obviously a little irritated by the accusation.
“Look at those girls!” Casey pointed towards two girls who had started dancing close to each other. They wore short skirts and tight tops, and their exposed flesh glistened under the lights. “They don’t even seem that pretty. Why would guys go there instead of over here? Are they afraid to approach two women? I thought we were all liberated. Or maybe…”
Casey seemed to remember something else. “That stuff you’re drinking is expensive. We don’t pay enough for guys to hit on us. You can’t be subtle. Do you want to head home soon?”
“Not before you apologize,” Lisa told her friend sternly.
Casey blinked in surprise. She stared dumbly at Lisa, struggling to connect the dots until suddenly she seemed to get it.
“Sorry about being so weird! Sometimes these ideas just pop into my head!”
“Yeah, sure.” Lisa turned to walk away.
“No really! I was worried that listening to my earbuds so much would make me crazy, but I feel fine! Just forget what I said!”
“It’s not really that important, just something weird to bring up all of a sudden.”
Casey felt like she wasn’t getting anywhere with her roommate, so she decided to leave her alone to try her luck elsewhere. The music and lighting was dark, with red lights and black light providing the main illumination. She didn’t think too much about where she was going, and ended up stumbling through the crowd to near the bar.
She saw someone tall from behind, his broad back turned towards her. He looked familiar, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on who it was. Casey got closer and reached out to tap him on the shoulder. He turned, and it only took half a second for her to recognize Brian.
Casey smiled at her classmate. They weren’t exactly friends, but she was pleased to see a familiar face at the busy bar. She opened her mouth to say hello, but her words failed her when she met his gaze.
Brian’s expression was smug, condescending, superior. His lips were curled into a sneer as he took in her appearance. His eyes looked her up and down with a look that was almost predatory.
“Brian!” Casey felt like she barely managed to find the wherewithal to squeak out his name.
His response wasn’t friendly. “Hey.” His tone wasn’t exactly unfriendly, but it did nothing to hide his disdain.
“Soooo… how’s it going?” Casey asked, feeling stupid as she did so.
“How are your studies going?” Brian countered.
“Good!” Casey was suddenly overcome with enthusiasm. “I understood what Professor Baxter was talking about during class yesterday. And you should hear me talk to Lisa – I’m making so much more sense!”
Brian nodded appreciatively. “Well then, let’s start by covering some theory and terminology.”
“Great!”
The pair met often over the next few weeks. Brian quizzed Casey relentlessly about feminism. She seemed eager to please, but struggled with any concept more complicated than popcorn-level filmmaking.
He decided to take their discussion to the theater. He bought tickets to watch A League of Their Own, one of his favorite films from high school. He explained to Casey the ways it served as a male fantasy of strong, sexy, women serving in a traditionally male role during wartime. He pointed out how much more the men were developed than the women, who only existed as sexual objects for the male audience.
“You still don’t understand,” Brian lamented when the film finished. “Let’s go talk somewhere quiet.”
They walked down the street and ended up at a coffee shop. They found a booth near the back where they could talk privately. The noise of other customers gave them an extra layer of privacy, which made Brian more comfortable talking about his own research.
He pulled out his tablet computer and started reading some examples of feminist criticism on Casey’s class film. His arguments seemed compelling enough to Casey, but as he went on she realized that nothing he was saying sounded new or familiar to her.
Brian continued to speak, but the words didn’t even feel like words anymore. Even after the sounds were over, the feeling they created lingered. Casey understood the feeling. She knew what she felt, and why she felt it, and how she could explain those feelings better. But the sound of his words still made the concepts seem unfamiliar.
Eventually Brian stopped reading from his tablet and stared silently across the table. He looked Casey up and down. It was only then that she realized how little eye contact they had made during their conversation.
Brian spoke, and Casey nodded along. Brian kept speaking, but his words became less audible. Her mind filled in the blanks, but she found herself able to think for the first time since she had started listening to Brian’s MP3 player.
His presence seemed oppressive when his words stopped making sense. Casey noticed that she was staring down at the table rather than into his eyes. Her hands played nervously with her earbuds. His presence was almost overwhelming now that he was quiet.
Casey found herself unable to meet his eyes. Brian kept speaking, though his voice faded in and out as if Casey was struggling to understand him. The concepts she’d learned from Brian still made sense, but as his words started to fall outside of her comprehension she began to lose touch with them. She knew she wanted to say something, and she could feel the shape of it in her mind, but it seemed to elude her tongue.
She knew the thoughts were there. They had become a part of her mind. She wasn’t consciously aware of them, and they didn’t make themselves present during lectures or class discussions. Instead, whenever she found herself about to say the wrong thing she would hesitate. In that moment, the words would bubble up to her consciousness and give her an alternate thought process, something else she could say instead.
Casey felt her own confusion when she heard Brian saying his name. Her own voice repeated after him. Her lips formed the shapes, but the words came out of her mouth without her volition. She watched her hand extend to shake his. It looked small and fragile in his masculine grip.
She felt a warm, tingling sensation at his touch. It was a nice feeling, even if it did seem unfamiliar to her.
He told her he had a surprise for her, and led her to a car waiting just outside the door. He held the door open for her – always a gentleman! They got into the car and rode towards his apartment together.
“But isn’t that like cheating?” Lisa asked skeptically.
“What? No! Nothing like that,” Casey protested. “This stuff is like… it’s not even real. I mean, how many books can you read about Feminist Film Studies? How many pages can you look at? This makes it so much faster. If we use this technology there are all kinds of classes and lectures you could learn in just a few hours instead of spending years in school!”
The ride felt like forever. After that conversation, Casey didn’t know how to break the silence, and Lisa was lost in thought. When they finally arrived at the bar, Lisa gave Casey an uncomfortable hug goodbye, and left without looking back. Casey found herself alone at the bar feeling awkward.
Casey spent most of her night trying to explain the nature of Brian’s MP3 player to strangers in bars. Her attempts were received with mixed reactions at best. The ones who believed her mostly told her not to use the device because it sounded dangerous. Several offered to “save her from evil programming”. A few others were only interested in taking advantage of her apparent subjugation. She spent almost half an hour fending off unwanted advances and sexual propositions before going home.
As she walked away from a particularly aggressive drunk man, a large, imposing figure moved past her towards him. She didn’t pay attention until she heard the drunken man yell. “Fuck you, bitch!” And then the sound of flesh striking flesh followed. The man staggered back against his bar stool.
Casey whirled around. “Hey! Stop!” She saw the large man pull the drunken suitor to his feet by his hair. He landed another blow on the man, nearly knocking him to the ground as Casey watched in horror.
“Please!” She tried again. “I’m fine!”
She rushed over to intervene. When she laid a hand on the stranger’s arm he released his grip on the other man and turned to regard her. He seemed massive now that he wasn’t standing so close to her, and he loomed over her small frame. He had to be at least six foot five inches tall, and she felt tiny as she gazed up at him.
“Hey cutie, are you talking about me?” His tone was friendly, and he flashed her a huge smile that seemed to transform his face. Her fear eased slightly as he shifted his attention away from his intended target and towards her.
She tried to say something, but found herself unable to speak. He reached a hand out and put it on the small of her back. He gently pulled her closer to him. The action was subtle enough that any observers wouldn’t question it, but it still managed to make Casey feel small and helpless. She shivered under his touch.
The men stared each other down until Casey cleared her throat, then he let out a loud laugh, clapped the man across from him on the shoulder, and pushed past him on his way towards the bar. Casey was still shivering even after she lost sight of him. She made her way to an unoccupied booth at the side of the bar, her hands trembling slightly.
Her eyes wandered around the room, looking for the giant figure that she expected to see approaching her. When she finally calmed down, her thoughts drifted back to her evening with Lisa, which was interrupted by the incident near the bathroom.
“He must have been wasted. That’s all,” Casey reassured herself. “I’ll be fine. Nothing will happen here. Not with so many people watching. It’ll be fine.”
It took several more repetitions for Casey to accept her reassurances, but she did eventually stop scanning the bar for the stranger who had accosted her.
After a few drinks Casey started to calm down again and forget the incident by the restrooms. She decided to dance in order to get her mind off of it. Her friend wasn’t interested in going with her, so she went alone.
The club wasn’t crowded – there was definitely room for Casey and the other dozen dancers scattered on the dance floor, but dancing alone made her feel self-conscious and silly. A man approached and offered to join her, which would normally be awkward, but dancing next to him didn’t seem nearly as awkward as dancing without company.
“Thanks,” she shouted over the music.
He smiled, nodded, and kept dancing. They traded partners after each song, although he was always back with Casey by the third. He was good at dancing, and good looking to boot. Casey appreciated that he asked permission before putting his hands on her – many of the guys that were attracted to her seemed to ignore any signs from her if she let them get close. She liked how he moved: sure, fluid, aggressive… almost masculine. She felt a tingling sensation inside her at the thought.
At the end of the last song he slipped away into the crowd, leaving her feeling oddly empty. She headed over to her table and drank her water quickly.
“I thought you weren’t drinking?” Lisa asked with surprise.
“It was so hot on the dance floor! I needed to rehydrate!” Casey explained, then looked at her watch. “Oh shit, it’s late! I gotta run or I’ll be late to meet Brian.”
Lisa smirked. “Well you better call him when you’re done and tell him what a good job he did with his ‘subliminal learning program’, huh?”
Casey shook her head at her friend’s comment and rushed out of the door, heading home to change before meeting with Brian.
She hurried back to her apartment. She had decided that she wanted to look sexy for her meeting, but now that the idea seemed silly. Her slutty eyeshadow and bright red lipstick seemed out of place with the baggy jeans and hoodie she was wearing. As she dug through the closet looking for something to change into, she wondered why she wore such shapeless clothes. They made her body indistinct: nothing about them showed off her feminine shape or accentuated her assets. Was it modesty, or modesty for men? In a world where women were objectified, did it make a difference if men liked her breasts, ass, and legs? Would she really care if men paid attention to her body in general? Or was it worse if women looked at her too much?
Casey decided to just try to wear things that made her look attractive. It felt weird putting on an outfit that showed off her cleavage and revealed some skin, but she liked how it made her feel. She also liked that other people seemed to react well.
On her walk to Brian’s apartment she passed a group of young men who shouted out compliments at her. Normally she would ignore it, or maybe even avoid eye contact and run away from their attentions as quickly as possible. Instead she felt herself light up from the recognition.
When the men continued cat calling after her Casey gave them a shy little smile and a wave. She heard them whoop with excitement. She felt energized by their approval, and when she reached the doorway to Brian’s building she saw that one of them had followed her all the way there.
“Hey, you need help getting upstairs, cutie?” The man was good-looking, tall and athletic, and dressed casually in expensive clothes.
“No thanks, but…” Casey glanced back the way she came. “Could you watch over my friend down the block? She should be out here soon and I’d hate for something to happen to her because I lost track of time with a friend.”
The man smiled back at Casey and leaned against the wall next to the entrance. He was already lighting a cigarette when Casey got inside. She rode the elevator up alone and made her way to Brian’s apartment.
When the door opened he greeted her with a nod, letting her go into his apartment before closing the door behind him.
“You look better.”
Casey looked down and blushed. “Thanks!”
Brian gestured for Casey to take a seat in the middle of the couch. The living room was spartanly decorated, although everything was tidy. Brian sat on the end of the couch nearest to Casey.
“So tell me about this book,” he instructed.
“Well, it starts out by describing this scene where these girls are making fun of other girls and talking about how sex is worthless – because they aren’t actually having sex but instead they’re all just putting themselves on display for men so their real worth is nothing,” she began excitedly, happy to share her enthusiasm and finally make some sense of this stupid book.
As Casey described the book and shared some key quotes she felt less sure of herself. There was something wrong with what she was saying, she knew it, but couldn’t understand what it was.
“So then the chapter ends when they see a pretty woman and realize that they are as beautiful as this woman, even though their real beauty is based on their internal qualities, not their looks, because the culture tells us that our value as women lies in how physically attractive we are.”
“Hmmm…” Lisa replied, nodding along without any apparent disagreement. “This shit sounds crazy, and I kind of want to make fun of you, but that actually makes sense.”
“Right?” Casey exclaimed happily, relieved that at least someone understood her. “It’s such bullshit! Why should men get to decide how much of our worth is based on our looks instead of our personalities? Why does feminism insist that being pretty isn’t something we want? That’s something men tell us, right? Because if they can convince us that only they can judge our worth, then they control everything!”
Casey’s rant continued for some time. When she calmed down, she asked, “Lisa, why do I feel angry about all of this? Before it was like I knew all these ideas were wrong but it didn’t matter, but now they make me furious!”
“Maybe the sex change operation wore off and you’re reverting back to your natural state,” Lisa joked.
Casey laughed nervously, uncomfortable at the thought. Her makeup suddenly felt like a bad decision – something she needed to cover up before somebody noticed.
“Anyway,” Lisa continued, “that sounds like some weird shit. But good for you. It seems like it’s making you happier at least.”
Casey was about to respond when she noticed Brian walking toward the table. He was accompanied by his two roommates and friends, Tim and Jake.
Brian was attractive if you found the tall dark handsome type appealing. He was wearing a pair of jeans, but most of his outfit consisted of a t-shirt that showed off his muscles. His long brown hair was tied in a pony tail.
Tim was shorter and had red hair. He was skinny with a thin frame, a few inches taller than Casey, with bright blue eyes.
Jake was short and blond. His shoulders were broad and he seemed to have muscles on top of muscles. He could almost pass as stocky instead of short, despite his round cheeks that made him appear younger than he was.
All three of them looked like they worked out together every day of their lives.
“Hey there Casey!” Brian called out as he approached the table.
“Who are these jokers?” Lisa asked, clearly annoyed at the intrusion.
“Hi!” Casey replied to Brian before turning back to her roommate. “Sorry, Lisa. This is Brian. He’s the guy I’m making a movie with. For my Feminist Film Studies course. Tim and Jake are here too. Brian, this is my friend Lisa.”
The girls exchanged awkward greetings.
“You don’t think we look like ‘those jokers’, do you?” Brian asked Tim and Jake. The two other guys shook their heads emphatically, but Brian ignored them. “It doesn’t matter anyway. You’re looking good, Casey!”
He put a hand on her shoulder, his finger resting against the bare skin exposed by the deep V neckline of her shirt. “Is that new lipstick I see? Did you wear that for me?”
Casey recoiled slightly, unsure how to respond. Her friends watched her uncomfortably, apparently expecting her to make an excuse for him. Instead she felt annoyed at their assumptions. Why did she care what they thought about Brian? Why were they worried about her, when they clearly assumed she was so weak?
“Maybe I did wear it for you,” Casey responded flirtatiously. “If it pleases you.” She licked her lips seductively as she said it. She noticed he liked that. She also noticed his eyes were focused on her mouth instead of her cleavage. The tight pink tank top she was wearing would show off more skin if she bent over, but bending over seemed kind of… wrong. Not that it mattered if she dressed sexy. That would only get attention from the boys, and not any disapproval from the girls.
“Hey!” one of the other guys at the table interjected, “don’t tell us you brought your own porn star here to make a movie! Who gets to be in this one?”
The table erupted into laughter while Casey looked down at the floor, humiliated. Brian sat back in his seat, letting go of her shoulder. He had been reaching towards her cleavage anyway. It almost looked like he was just leaning back casually, and the movement didn’t seem forced or unnatural.
She looked around the table, looking for sympathy, but no one would meet her eyes. Even Tim and Jake, who had been talking with her just minutes before were silent.
A hand slid up her thigh beneath the table. She jerked away from it and slapped the table as she stood up. “What the hell are you doing?!” Casey demanded. She wasn’t sure who reached out to grab her. She pulled her arm away and felt her drink spill onto the table.
“Come on Case,” Lisa said softly. “Let’s just go back to our apartment.”
Casey followed her roommate silently, not able to form any words and unwilling to talk even if she could. Her hands were clenched into fists so tight she expected them to bleed, and she was practically trembling with rage and frustration.
By the time they got back to their apartment Casey had mostly cooled off. Lisa went straight to bed, apparently assuming she would too. She sat down at her desk instead, with her books spread open.
She stared at the pages for a moment without comprehension, until it occurred to her that Brian was coming over soon. She started to gather her work together to set out on the table, but then noticed a large coffee stain and red wine stains. Instead she left the mess in a pile in one corner of her desk and made a mental note to tidy up before Brian arrived.
Lisa knocked gently on the door to Casey’s room. She looked at Casey and saw an odd expression on her face, like a child trying to remember something that wasn’t there anymore. “Are you ok?”
“What?” Casey jumped slightly when she heard Lisa’s question. “Yeah. I’m just… distracted I guess.”
Lisa waited silently. Eventually Casey elaborated: “It’s about a girl named Jennifer Kowalski. When I started looking into her I felt so sure she would be perfect for my term project – and she was! I got her as a lead, and I hired an actor who knows what he’s doing, and now we’re both here in my apartment getting ready. We’ll shoot later this week.”
Lisa smiled and asked, “That’s good right? That makes your life easier!”
“Not really. The day we were going to start filming, she bailed out on me. Now we can’t reschedule, and if I don’t finish in time I might have to drop out of school.”
“I know it’s rough for you now, but I think this has been a really positive experience,” Lisa mused. “I mean, this is what I wanted from the feminist class anyway.”
“What?” Casey stared at her. “But all I wanted was to see cool movies about awesome women!”
“I wanted that too!” Lisa assured her. “But also… I wanted to get away from all those toxic messages girls are taught and find the person I want to be. Like how you were saying, ‘it’s ok for us to be feminine if we want to’. That makes me feel so happy and relieved. Before, it felt like feminists expected women to reject all traditional roles for ourselves, and if we didn’t we weren’t real feminists.”
“Really? Feminism is such an ugly word… It seems like something I should rebel against, even if I disagree with everything it stands for.”
Casey blinked hard to clear her head. She wasn’t sure where her thoughts were coming from. They seemed alien, but strangely compelling. “I suppose it is an ugly word, isn’t it?” She said, more slowly this time. She felt like her mind was working to catch up with itself, but she still couldn’t quite think clearly.
“It’s a horrible word,” Casey added. “A nasty word for nasty beliefs. Beliefs about gender and sexuality and family and relationships…”
Lisa started to open her mouth to speak, but she cut herself off abruptly. Casey saw something unexpected – a mix of horror and fascination in Lisa’s face. Her eyes wandered over Casey’s body, examining her clothes, the makeup, and then finally stopping on her chest. Casey turned to see what Lisa was looking at, but saw nothing unusual except her breasts bulging slightly over the neck of her hoodie.
Lisa’s hand reached across the bar top and pushed back Casey’s hood. She grabbed hold of a couple locks of long black hair that had fallen down to frame her face and pulled them forward into full view. “You look like you’ve been doing a lot of growing!” Lisa exclaimed, then immediately turned bright red as she realized what she had said.
“Yeah… thanks?” Casey was unsure how to respond. “I never put on any weight. Why are my boobs getting bigger now?”
“Oh wow. Your lipstick looks amazing now that your hair is out.”
Casey frowned slightly at this awkward attempt to change the topic. But as she touched her lip with the tips of her fingers she felt a surge of excitement, and she quickly pushed it away. “No more than before,” she finally concluded.
Lisa sighed in relief.
They didn’t stay much longer. Casey drank one more beer then excused herself to head home. “What a waste,” she said to herself as she walked home, “it would have been nice to have more fun with Lisa, but I’m supposed to meet Brian.”
Casey shook her head, annoyed that she couldn’t stop herself from being a boring friend. She turned down a dark alley and felt relieved when she saw two familiar figures waiting for her. They were both dressed in black and wearing dark masks. The woman’s hair was blonde and the man’s red.
Casey’s steps slowed. Their presence filled her with an almost primal dread. A warning signal triggered in her mind telling her she needed to run. Her fight-or-flight instinct overpowered her conscious will. The menacing duo moved closer, blocking off her escape.
Casey felt panic rising inside of her. “Why are you here?” She blurted out. “You can’t possibly know what we’re planning. You can’t stop us!”
“Shut up you stupid bitch,” said a voice that came from the man’s mouth, but felt more like it came from somewhere inside of her own mind. The woman took a step closer and pointed the barrel of her gun at Casey’s face.
A wave of relief washed over her. She let out a long exhale that almost sounded like a moan. Her fear vanished instantly.
The couple seemed a bit surprised by Casey’s reaction, and exchanged a puzzled look between themselves. They both looked back at Casey, but kept their guns ready. “Where’s the girl?” The man asked.
Casey nodded. She smiled warmly and beckoned them to follow her as she walked through her apartment building and down the stairs to her room in the basement. She pushed the door open and stood aside so the pair could see inside.
Amanda was sitting on the floor with her wrists bound behind her back. There were several red welts across her body from where Casey had beaten her with a riding crop. When the intruders entered, Amanda tried to shrink away from them, which only served to draw attention to her naked breasts and panties.
Casey stepped into the room and delivered a sharp kick to Amanda’s chest. “You brought this on yourself, bitch,” she said with disdain. She picked up the riding crop and started to whip her captive.
The woman laughed coldly and shook her head. “This isn’t your fight, Casey.” Her voice was soft and sympathetic. “Do yourself a favor and walk away while you still can.”
Amanda let out a scream as Casey slapped the crop across her breast. The sound seemed to bounce off the walls. It rang in Casey’s ears long after it had faded away. “How did you find us?”
“Is that important?” The man asked, sounding uninterested in Casey’s concerns. He put a hand on the woman’s shoulder, and the pair exchanged a meaningful look before turning to face their captives again.
“We were able to track the IP address of your emails to Dr. Wilson, Ms. McGrath.” The woman said matter-of-factly. “When we reviewed your messages it was obvious what you had planned for the poor girl.”
“That’s a lie!” Casey blurted out, almost reflexively. But when she thought back on it there had been an email from her classmate where they had discussed meeting at Amanda’s apartment.
Amanda moaned weakly. Casey saw her squirm, and remembered that she was lying naked and tied up in front of them. Her cheeks felt flush with arousal or embarrassment, or maybe both.
Casey looked over at Brian, whose face was frozen with terror. The pair looked back to the intruders who stood threateningly over them.
“Brian didn’t do anything!” Casey tried to explain. “This is all on me! You’ve got to let him go.”
“Oh yes, I can see how Mr. Wilson is innocent,” the man snapped sarcastically. “He wasn’t responsible in any way. This was all done without his knowledge.”
“But-” Casey tried to protest before the woman interrupted her.
“Ms. McGrath, your ignorance of our situation and how deeply entrenched we are with this project makes us question whether we should leave you alive at all. Dr. Wilson is lucky that he may still prove useful to us, but that won’t help him if you try to interfere again.”
“Wait!” Casey shouted out. “What does that mean? Why are you so invested in this?”
The man turned toward the woman and shrugged. She responded by picking up the riding crop from earlier, striking Casey hard across the face with it, then striking Brian repeatedly in the stomach, crotch, and chest.
Casey felt herself pulled away while the two strangers focused their attention on Brian. When she heard his screams, she broke free of whoever had taken hold of her and ran for the door. Before she could get there her arms were grabbed by each of the men and she was held against the wall.
“Dr. Wilson will be dealt with. It’s time we had a conversation with you, Casey.” The woman spoke as though the beating was business as usual, and Brian was incidental.
The woman took a step forward until she was close enough that Casey could smell her perfume. “You think you’re so clever, Ms. McGrath…” The woman shook her head back and forth in frustration as she looked down at Casey. She looked back at her colleagues who still held Casey’s arms behind her back, then she gave a slight nod toward the other room. One of the men stepped out and re-entered carrying her MP3 player. Casey watched as he pressed a button on the player and put it in his pocket.
Casey screamed out the same incoherent sound that had escaped Brian’s mouth a few moments before. She struggled harder against the man holding her arm. The woman leaned closer and hissed into her ear. “This wasn’t my call, but we’re here now, so let’s take advantage of our situation.”
“What do you mean?” Casey struggled to find words in a mind that seemed completely blank. “Is it over? I need that! Why would you take it?”
“That’s right,” the woman responded in a tone of faux compassion. “You must feel lost and confused without that. It’s like you’re a child who never learned to walk.” The woman patted Casey on the head. “We can only imagine how you’ve managed to carry on. You should thank us for freeing your mind.”
Casey tried to struggle free again but she couldn’t loosen the grip on her arms. The man pulled them painfully behind her back as he continued holding her against the wall. The woman took a step back and watched her futile struggling for a moment before striking her twice across the face with the crop.
“I wonder if we can help you, dear,” the woman said in a voice dripping with condescension. “There is a very important difference between Ms. McGrath and Brian Wilson.” She looked back at her compatriots for effect, then continued, “it isn’t only because one has an extra x-chromosome, although that is part of it. Women don’t usually have this problem.”
She stepped closer and spoke into Casey’s ear again, her hot breath tickling Casey’s skin. “Women don’t usually get turned on by being humiliated and tortured, which is the biggest hurdle for people like Brian Wilson. Fortunately for us, men do like women who are passive, obedient, and pliant. They like to see us struggle and fail. When we resist their wishes, they feel strong and powerful, and when we’re weak they take advantage of us.”
Casey felt her face redden with anger and frustration. She wished the woman would shut up, but she wouldn’t grant her wish. Her voice went from mock concern to pure scorn as she continued, “so here we have another weakness in Ms. McGrath’s case. If she didn’t want this so bad, I doubt anyone could have taken advantage of her weakness or manipulated her desires. But she does enjoy this, on some level. This means that Ms. McGrath has been easy pickings for our young Dr. Wilson.”
Casey felt sick to her stomach. She had spent the previous months fighting back tears while submitting to anything Brian and his friend’s suggested, just trying to earn enough good will to negotiate the return of her MP3 player. Every humiliation made her loathe herself more. Every orgasm had brought her new depths of despair. She was miserable and disgusted with herself, and somehow she knew that only got them off more. She hadn’t understood how, until now.
The woman leaned back away from Casey. For a brief moment she saw Brian’s smug smile on her face before the illusion vanished. Casey tried to calm her trembling hands as she pulled out her phone to text Brian. She wasn’t sure how long it would take him to get there, but she couldn’t stand to spend another minute talking to her roommate.
Brian came to retrieve his test subject at the end of the night. Casey had spent the entire evening thinking about the effect his program had on her since the incident at the bar. Casey could barely contain her excitement to hear how the program had affected her.
They went to Casey’s apartment because Lisa wouldn’t be there that night. She was visiting family nearby, so she usually crashed with them after going out to bars. Casey wished she could see the expression on Lisa’s face if she returned home and found Brian at their place, but it was probably best to meet while Lisa was gone.
When they reached Casey’s place she made them some popcorn and got drinks for herself and Brian. She settled onto the sofa across from him, cross-legged and eager, with the bowl of popcorn in her lap.
“So how has your studying been coming along?” He asked before popping some popcorn in his mouth.
“You saw me! Back at the bar. I’m not quite sure why that happened, but I definitely think you can see the change!”
Brian furrowed his brow. “Yeah, ok. You definitely seem to be changing. How have you been feeling about it?”
“I guess… good?” Casey paused to think it over. “It feels so obvious now that I don’t really understand why I used to hate myself.”
“You hated yourself?” Brian asked incredulously.
“Not hate myself. Not exactly,” Casey tried to clarify. “Just… you know when you do something that you know others judge and disapprove of, even if you don’t know why? I had always sort of felt like there were all these rules about how women should look and act that weren’t explained to me and I just… I felt bad whenever I didn’t measure up, even though I couldn’t always say how or why I felt bad.”
“And now you feel better?”
Casey nodded.
Brian nodded as well, and took another drink of his beer before continuing. “So… I want to use you.”
“Excuse me?!” Casey spat out her drink and almost choked on what she managed to swallow. She stared at him, wide eyed. “What did you just say to me?”
“Relax, Casey,” Brian scoffed. “Get your mind out of the gutter! I want you to get a job in porn so I can research brainwashing. We can start slow, like getting you into strip clubs, then move on to making amateur films until we think we’re ready. You know anyone who produces porn?”
“Oh god no!” Casey exclaimed. “My parents would die if they found out I worked in porn. And Lisa…”
“Don’t even think about it!” Lisa shook her head emphatically. “Do I look like the type of girl who works in porn?”
Casey frowned at Lisa as she gave a little pout and posed slightly for Brian. A part of Casey wanted to shove Lisa away from him – she wasn’t exactly the type of girl who tried too hard to impress guys, especially not guys that looked like Brian – but another part of Casey felt excited seeing someone else fawning over Brian.
The waitress interrupted before Lisa could get any further along with her impression of what “the type of girl who works in porn” does when alone with an attractive guy. She handed a couple drinks to Lisa and started to turn away. Brian reached out and placed a hand on her arm to catch her attention. She turned around and raised her eyebrows expectantly.
“Actually, I think we might want something stronger,” Brian said in a silky smooth voice that sent chills down Casey’s spine. “Wouldn’t you say that it’s your job to provide what the customer wants?”
Lisa’s mouth dropped open. She blushed and bit her lip. “What can I do for you?” The waitress replied as she fluttered her eyelashes at him.
“Two vodka martinis, very dry,” Brian ordered for himself and Casey. The waitress nodded and hurried off.
Brian turned back to Lisa, who seemed lost in his gaze. He raised his own eyebrow when she failed to respond to his attention.
Lisa let out a little giggle, and finally managed to sputter out, “can I get you guys anything else?”
“No thanks. We have everything we could want right here,” Brian replied as he glanced over at Casey with a big grin on his face.
Casey blushed as she felt a warmth pooling in her lower belly. She hadn’t seen Brian since before the subliminal training started. She wasn’t quite sure what that warmth meant, but it definitely didn’t feel bad.
Brian gave Casey a light kiss on the cheek that left her wanting something more substantial. “I wanted to see how my work was coming along. Where’s the MP3 player?” He asked as he began looking through her bag.
Casey’s heart pounded. She looked into his brown eyes as he leaned in close to rummage through her things. She felt flushed – the air in the crowded room seemed hot, Brian’s body pressed against hers made her feel sweaty, and her breath came quickly.
He finally pulled out the MP3 player and plugged it in. The screen showed it was charged enough to turn on. Brian pressed the play button, and the familiar sounds erupted from the tiny speakers.
“Do you still think that feminist crap?” Brian asked with a teasing smile on his face.
He kissed Casey before she could answer, then kissed his way down to her neck while one hand slipped under her shirt and the other into her pants. Casey moaned involuntarily.
His lips met hers again, and their tongues danced. Her breath quickened as he pressed his body against hers, and when he thrust himself against her belly she felt his member hard through their clothes.
Casey pushed Brian onto the bed. She stood over him and peeled off her clothes. She wasn’t used to putting herself on display, but it felt exciting and sensual to put on a show for him. He seemed eager to watch as well.
The first to go were her pants and panties in one move. Then came her shirt. She pulled her bra off slowly, savoring the moment of revealing her breasts to her lover. Finally she removed her socks and kicked them across the room playfully.
Casey straddled Brian. She held herself inches away from his face, letting him admire her exposed flesh. After a moment she moved closer and let his lips find the soft flesh of her breasts. She moaned lightly as he explored the tender flesh around her nipples. She could feel his cock getting hard beneath her, and she rocked back and forth, grinding against his erection through his pants.
“Fuck me,” she breathed. Casey didn’t quite recognize herself in those words. Even though she knew Brian had made her say them, they didn’t seem like something she would ever say out loud. They almost seemed too vulgar. It was like she was only saying it because she couldn’t help herself. She needed him so badly…
Brian reached up into her messy bun, removing the hair clip and tossing it aside. Her straight black hair tumbled down past her shoulders onto the bare skin between her small breasts. Casey bit her lip, wondering how he knew that this fantasy played through her dreams every night. She didn’t know how long she sat there, waiting for Brian to remove her clothing, but the seconds dragged by for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally he pulled her hoodie off over her head, letting it fall carelessly to the floor. He removed his own shirt and revealed his smooth chest before removing Casey’s bra, then pulling off his pants and boxers. She stood up and Brian stripped off the rest of her clothes as well. They kissed deeply, pressing their naked bodies against one another.
He guided her gently back toward the bed while he explored her body with his hands. His tongue traced a trail from her jaw, down her neck to her breasts. She let out a quiet moan and pushed her hips forward in an instinctual act of desperate desire.
Brian lay back on the bed, inviting Casey to mount him. She swung a leg over until her pussy was hovering inches above his hard cock. She looked back at him and felt a surge of warmth rush through her core. Her mouth was open in anticipation. She held still, savoring the moment.
Casey slowly lowered herself onto his cock. The sensation sent shivers down her spine. She let out a groan as she was filled by his shaft. Brian pulled himself upright and they started to grind against each other. Their kisses were deep and passionate, their arms wrapped around one another. He pulled her closer as he thrust inside her. She dug her fingers into his back. They held each other, writhing with pleasure as Brian filled her with his seed.
With a start Casey shook her head and realized her thoughts were drifting away from the movie. She wondered what was wrong with her that she would imagine such crude, base things while watching the most groundbreaking film about female sexuality ever produced.
Her thoughts were interrupted when she realized the scene she was watching had changed. It was hard to see with all the darkness and flashing lights, but her eyes had adjusted enough to realize the two main characters were in a dark alley together. Something wasn’t right. A sense of dread welled up within her and made her heart start to pound.
Something about them was so… familiar? Was that her hoodie and messy bun in the corner of the screen? And Lisa beside her with a confused expression on her face? The sounds and images came fast, so it was hard to be sure. But then there were two gunshots and her character went limp, falling backwards. Casey screamed, or maybe her character did, she couldn’t be certain which one of them got shot. There was blood all over her chest, staining the baggy hoodie.
Then she was staring at herself, looking out of the projection screen and into the darkened theatre, with blood oozing from her torso. Everyone in the crowd stared back at her. Casey looked down and saw bright red stains all over her black hoodie. Then the pain hit her – sharp, terrible searing pain that ran across her chest, where she had been shot by a person whose face was still shrouded in mystery.
Lisa was beside her, grabbing her arm and shaking her. Her friend seemed to have recovered from her initial shock before Casey did, but now Casey was aware that she had been screaming like a madwoman in the middle of the theatre.
Casey took Lisa by the hand and fled the theatre. Outside they were met by a small crowd. Casey kept apologizing to them as Lisa tried to calm her and call them an Uber to take them home. Casey sat with tears streaming down her eyes until the car arrived. In the Uber ride they were silent, although the driver kept stealing confused glances into the backseat.
Casey avoided seeing Brian for two days after that. It wasn’t until he showed up at her place, looking concerned and insisting on talking to her, that she agreed to meet him. He wanted her to come to his office on campus, but Casey demanded they meet somewhere public – somewhere safe. He didn’t ask why, which led Casey to believe that he already knew about the movie screening.
They met at a coffee shop where they could sit outside near the street, in full view of anyone walking past. She was grateful for that when Brian finally arrived; even in full sunlight his appearance was dark and menacing. His long black jacket and hood seemed too large and concealing for the warm spring weather, but he was undaunted. When he saw her waiting outside he crossed the street with long, bold strides.
“Casey!” He called as he approached, but kept enough distance that she felt comfortable.
“Thanks for meeting me here,” Casey said with a forced smile.
“Of course. I’m glad you responded to my calls. I was worried when you disappeared on me.”
“Disappeared?” Casey asked incredulously. “You just wanted me to come back to your office so you could try to fuck me!”
Brian shook his head and waved his hands. “No! That’s not what I want! Don’t you understand that I’m interested in more than just your body?”
“I never said anything about your body. Or your sexuality, for that matter.”
“Then… do you think I should feel ashamed for finding you attractive? You say you want to liberate women, but your goal seems like it’s just making men into sexless robots who can only respond to your whim. You sound like the patriarchy.”
“Patriarchy,” Brian repeated, rolling the word around his tongue. “Isn’t that an old-fashioned term from the 1970s? Are you trying to reestablish a new matriarchy? And how would you justify that to the rest of us?”
“How would I…” Casey frowned. “No! But… isn’t there an argument that women’s oppression began when we entered the industrial age? Men and women worked together, but women stayed home to raise children and maintain the household while men got full citizenship rights.”
Brian raised an eyebrow at this and took a drink, so Casey continued, “it’s just that once there was technology, suddenly women couldn’t work as menial laborers on the farm. Women became less valued. Then during the feminist revolution in the 1960s and 1970s only a narrow range of gender equality was accepted. Feminists stopped calling themselves feminists because the movement turned into equal opportunity. If that’s feminism, I don’t want any part of it.”
Brian chuckled to himself as he nodded.
“You understand, right?” Casey asked nervously. “Your movies always portray strong female characters.”
“I think the real question is why do you care about my opinions on film? We’re going to be filming you, not me.”
Casey frowned and stared at Brian across his desk. He smiled in response, which just made her frown deepen.
“That doesn’t make sense, I don’t think,” she said carefully. “Why would we have you write a script about strong female characters in movies, if your main focus is on strong female characters in written fiction? Why does the short film even need to be related to my studies?”
“Well…” Brian seemed taken aback for a moment. “Because it makes sense that way. If you take the course material that you say has no relevance to life in the real world, and you apply it to something that actually relates to the real world, then you see it’s got value after all.”
“I guess that makes sense,” Casey replied uncertainly. She found his explanation unconvincing, but had nothing better to offer. Brian nodded happily, and continued:
“Great! And as far as this assignment goes… what part do you want to play?”
“Uh… I hadn’t thought about it too much. What are the parts?”
“You’d probably be best suited as the co-lead, I think,” Brian said without hesitation. “That leaves the lead open for me to take.”
“But… don’t I need to practice? Can I read through some lines?”
“No, the script needs to be finalized first. You’ll pick it up as we shoot the film. Your role is written well enough for me to walk you through it.”
“Ok then. What did you have in mind for the plot?”
Brian looked at her seriously, then smiled slyly and shrugged.
Casey frowned. She had heard his comment about looking forward to being in a film with her, and now she felt nervous. “Well, can you give me some direction?”
“It’ll sound better in your voice than mine.”
Casey gave Brian a dubious look. She thought he might be kidding, but his face remained perfectly serious. She tried not to let her frustration show through her tone. “I’m no scriptwriter! How do I know what to say?”
Brian leaned back in his chair. He looked down into his beer for a while as if considering something, then met Casey’s gaze. “If you really want to pass your class and graduate on time… well, you’re the one who told me that Feminist Film Studies is all about hot girls doing sex stuff. So make it sexy.”
“But Professor Baxter doesn’t teach that,” Casey retorted quickly.
Brian shrugged. “Then you’d better get started teaching yourself. It doesn’t sound like anything else has helped so far. Just take whatever feminist bullshit you’ve learned and use it as motivation for you and your costar to put on a little show.”
“What?”
“Just a short video for class. Tell your classmates it’s a film you made to help them understand the curriculum. Make a hot lesbian video, and make it sexier than everyone expects from lesbians.”
“A… a lesbian sex tape? Like, we both play girls, right?”
Brian raised an eyebrow.
Casey’s jaw dropped and her cheeks flushed red. Her first reaction was confusion at the idea – she had only ever been into boys before. But as Brian stared at her she found her gaze drawn toward his crotch. For the first time she thought about his dick – how it would look, and what it might feel like inside her. Her eyes darted back up to meet his, and she swallowed nervously as she nodded.
“Good,” he smiled. He handed her the script and left.
“What’s your name, anyway?” Casey called after him, realizing she didn’t even know who she was making a film with.
Brian turned to face her again and winked at her as he walked backwards. “Call me The Doctor!”
Casey read through the script as she waited for Brian to return. She wasn’t sure where to begin. She wanted to write her own movie, not some hack job someone else wrote for porn.
But maybe that’s all she could do. As she scanned the pages in front of her she felt her confidence waver. It didn’t look too difficult, she told herself. After all, she thought she’d learned enough about feminist film studies to get by. And she’d already talked Brian into starring opposite her.
Casey started typing, feeling excited. She would have her own movie, even if it was just for class. Even if no one else ever watched it besides Professor Baxter and a room full of other students in her department.
By the time she heard footsteps approaching Casey had a page-and-a-half typed up. It was a clunky opening scene, but she had a handle on the story. She stopped typing and stood to meet her friend.
Brian looked around the small theater with disdain as he entered. He saw Casey, his eyes lit up, then narrowed as they scanned the stage. “Well well,” he smirked, “look what we have here.”
Casey smiled uncomfortably as she tried not to blush. The sound of her heartbeat echoed in her ears. A sudden anxiety flooded into her system. Brian’s words were spoken softly, but she felt them reverberate through her whole body.
“Hi Brian. Uh, nice to see you again. I…” Casey stammered.
Her gaze followed him as he moved forward toward the stage and up onto it. When he reached the center of the stage, he turned to look down on her where she still stood. “So this is why you wanted the Feminist Film Studies course? This is how you planned to fuck over Professor Baxter and her students?”
Casey froze, unable to respond. There were screams and shouts from all around her, but all she could hear was Brian’s voice in her ears. His smooth, baritone voice that washed over her, making her feel safe, relaxed, and free. He asked her questions, and she felt compelled to answer.
She had spent the last two weeks studying feminist theory, analyzing it and deconstructing it. She felt like she knew that world almost as well as she knew herself. She knew that it would help her pass the course and graduate.
She hadn’t considered where that might leave her professor. Her friend.
When had she decided that Professor Baxter was a friend? Had she ever really considered it? She thought back over their interactions – the late night meetings to discuss her essays, the lunches she’d joined her for to talk about movies and life and feminism, the times they’d discussed class outside of the classroom and how much Baxter had shared with her and encouraged her.
The tears streaming down her face as Casey confessed to what she had done, explained why, and begged forgiveness for betraying her mentor’s trust and violating her body, didn’t stop. If anything her grief seemed to increase with the acceptance and absolution her professor gave her.
“Are you even listening to me?” Lisa demanded with a wave of her hand. “Jesus! Why did I agree to come here with you when I knew you were going to be so weird tonight?”
“But… but…”
Lisa rolled her eyes and drained the rest of her drink in one swallow, then stood to leave. Casey grabbed Lisa’s wrist firmly in her grip. Her eyes were pleading, but also seemed oddly confident and certain.
“Sit down,” she commanded as though Lisa had no choice in the matter. Something about her friend’s tone of voice and body language compelled her to obey. As she did, a smile came over her face as if some long-harbored suspicion had finally been confirmed.
“Tell me honestly: do you like your slutty eye makeup?”
“Oh yes!” Lisa said with sudden enthusiasm. “And I need to get more of this new lipstick! But I wish it wasn’t so hard to apply…”
Casey smiled triumphantly, and turned toward the bar, where a man had taken their former companion’s seat. He was muscular, square-jawed, and clean shaven. He wore jeans and a T-shirt under a dark leather jacket. Casey felt her mouth go dry as she stared at him, his face becoming oddly indistinct from across the room.
Lisa snapped her fingers in front of Casey’s face. “Hello! Earth to Casey! You were right about liking that makeup, because you are absolutely losing it over that guy.”
Casey felt her heart racing, but she was able to respond to Lisa. “I’m sorry,” she breathed.
“What’s your problem?” Lisa demanded with exasperation.
“I don’t know,” Casey said.
“Ok, well if you want me to leave you alone so you can stare at Mr. Perfect then tell me now.”
“No… please don’t!” The panic rose in Casey’s voice as she reached for her friend. “I don’t feel myself right now.”
“Well excuse me!” Lisa rolled her eyes as she pulled her hand away from Casey’s reach. “If you’ve suddenly decided that you’re tired of being yourself then don’t let me stop you.”
Lisa got up from the table and walked toward a man standing near the bar. Casey couldn’t understand what happened, or why she felt like she’d done something wrong.
Lisa returned a minute later. “His name is Matt,” she explained, nodding towards the man.
Casey followed the gesture. “He’s cute,” she told Lisa while staring at him intently.
“Go talk to him!” Lisa encouraged her.
Casey looked back at her with a slightly scared expression. “I don’t think he’d be into a girl who looks like me.”
“Come on,” Lisa insisted. “Go talk to him and find out. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Casey nodded hesitantly. She finished her drink quickly. The liquid courage did its work and she felt like she really could say something to this guy, and maybe get his attention. She walked across the room like a woman possessed – like she was doing it for someone else’s approval, or to avoid someone’s disapproval.
Casey stumbled through talking to this guy. In retrospect she couldn’t remember exactly what she said or how the conversation went. He kept smiling at her though, so she felt confident as she gave him her number.
On her way back to join Lisa she looked out of a window and noticed that the world outside seemed slightly wrong – different somehow, indistinct. She decided it must be the effects of the alcohol.
A man in his late thirties approached her from behind before she made it to her table. Casey was struck by how much he looked like the type of person that would have been completely unremarkable to her before this semester, but now there was something about him…
“Is this seat taken?” The man asked as he pulled out a chair at a nearby table. His eyes lingered on her longer than felt polite.
Casey sat down in the chair and let her leg drift over slightly to the man’s side. “How about the seat next to mine instead?” she offered.
He nodded eagerly, joined her, and put his hand on her knee. His face was only inches away, so she leaned forward into a kiss. They spent a few minutes making out in their chairs, hands exploring each other’s bodies.
The guy introduced himself as Matt, and Casey realized he was the same man who had given her a ride home.
“You wanna go somewhere else?”
Casey smiled demurely. She gave Matt a coy nod and stood up. He held her hand and led her through the bar toward the door. Lisa stared at her incredulously, but she didn’t notice.
“Can I take a picture?” Matt asked before he drove off from the parking lot.
Casey didn’t know why she would agree to such a request, but the words were coming out of her mouth before she could consider them.
Matt snapped his shot, then handed Casey’s phone back to her. The girl on the screen looked confident and sexy. The pale skin and black hair were offset by her dark red lipstick and eyeshadow, emphasizing the blue of her irises.
Casey sent the picture to Brian so he would see it and have something new to work into his program. When she finished sending the message she noticed the background – it showed that she had five missed messages and three voicemails. They were all from Lisa, but she couldn’t be bothered to check them now.
She turned and sat on Matt’s lap. They shared a kiss, and his hands were on her body almost immediately.
Brian’s mouth fell open in confusion when he read Casey’s email. He wanted to know if it was possible to make it take longer because she wasn’t satisfied with how well it was working. Was she nuts? Who wanted his amazing technology to not work perfectly well? What kind of insane request was that?
He considered not replying at all, but curiosity won out. She gave him detailed instructions of the level of understanding she felt like she lacked. In reading through her comments he felt confident that the program was working perfectly. Her own prejudices and misconceptions were slowing the speed at which she could learn and absorb the information, which he felt justified his decision to turn her down.
Brian was curious about how fast the program was actually working, though, so he emailed back saying he would add the requested changes.
When they met after class a few days later, Casey’s appearance caught Brian off-guard. She wore a tight sweater that hugged her curves over jeans that accentuated her legs. Her straight black hair framed her round face, and it was no longer up in a bun. She didn’t look so dowdy as before, either – her hair was brushed and hung loose, and there was some eyeshadow and red lipstick on her face. She looked sexy in a natural, effortless way that appealed to him even more than women who dolled themselves up.
Brian swallowed hard, fighting off his arousal as he stared at Casey. He knew he shouldn’t have these kinds of thoughts about an experimental subject, especially since this one had no approval and was completely off the books. He forced himself to focus.
“What did you change?” He asked without greeting. “What do you want me to modify in your program?”
Casey tilted her head in confusion. “Nothing? It’s still working perfectly.”
Brian was about to argue with her, but changed his mind and shrugged. “You know best,” he said sarcastically.
She rolled her eyes.
“So if that’s all,” Casey started to get up, but Brian interrupted her.
“It’s not.” He paused for effect. “Do you still want me to be the star of your film project?”
“Yes! Please!”
He shook his head. “I can’t. I’ve been working on a little indie movie myself and I won’t have time to help you.”
Casey slumped back in her chair. Her hopes to graduate on schedule were dashed, and she might fail and have to return for an extra term. She’d never get that internship in LA if she had to wait…
A thought crossed her mind. “What if we work together? Then you’d have time.”
Brian gave her a skeptical look. “And let you take advantage of my genius?”
“That’s what friends do for each other, right?” Casey asked rhetorically. “Please Brian?”
“No. Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said as he started to leave.
“But Brian, when are you going to finish the program? I need it soon!” Casey begged. “This project is due at the end of the term, and without the help of your program I’m sunk.”
“Sooner than if I have to deal with this bullshit again,” Brian growled, indicating the book from her class with a dismissive wave of his hand.
Brian sat back down and opened the book. He flipped through a few pages and then threw the book away from him in disgust. It bounced across the desk and fell to the floor.
He crossed his arms in front of himself and glared at Casey.
She gave him an innocent shrug.
After a long silence, Brian spoke. “It’s just so… boring.”
Casey nodded. “Exactly!”
“How could they publish garbage like this? How can women not see how insulting it is? Who writes these books? Where do these ideas come from?”
Casey had no answers. “It’s so awful.”
Brian scoffed. “The only solution I can think of is to reteach everything so all of these new ideas are built on better ones instead of being replaced by nonsense. The problem is, what we need to replace these ideas with?”
“And who will buy these books?” Casey added.
“No,” Brian corrected, “if this is how most people are taught, then it’ll be easiest to change things by teaching people directly. And we can sell this education any way we want.”
“I think there might be some practical reasons to avoid wholesale changes,” Casey protested. “For example, if you change women’s clothes too suddenly you can cause a collapse of the global fashion economy. You could start an economic crisis that would send hundreds of thousands of workers into poverty and cause famine in developing countries.”
Brian gave her a shocked look. “Wait, you believe this stuff? You aren’t just parroting back your prof’s crap, are you?”
Casey hesitated, unsure of herself. “Maybe not ‘believe’. But the theory fits some real world examples better than previous theories. So until we come up with a better idea, we should try to test the current models.”
“So the old ideas were bad theories? The old ideas are gone and now you just want to accept the new one even though it doesn’t fit any better?”
“It makes sense when you get down to the specifics!”
“Ok,” Brian conceded. “Tell me about a couple of specifics: why do men have nipples?”
“Because breastfeeding is important for infant growth and development, so the mammary system had to evolve male support features to allow maximum success during childrearing,” Casey responded without hesitation.
Brian crossed his arms and nodded approvingly. “Not bad! And do you remember any of the sources of information you read about that?”
“No. But I mean, duh, doesn’t that just make sense? Breastfeeding is such an obvious feature of nature that it’s easy for us to assume that’s where it comes from.”
“Well you aren’t supposed to know what you know from sources that are inaccessible to your conscious mind. That’s kind of the point.” He winked at her. “And I’m very impressed that you got all that.”
Casey smiled broadly, happy to please. “You really like that response? I don’t see why.”
“Yes,” Brian confirmed, “it’s… refreshing.”
“Thanks, that means a lot.”
She turned back to Lisa and saw the look of concern on her face. She could guess what Lisa might say. If Lisa said it, she might end up fighting with her over something that shouldn’t matter. There were more important things to fight for than this kind of small personal drama.
“Hey Brian, would you dance with me?”
“What?! No, gross!” Brian replied. “And besides, I only dance when I’ve got a hot piece of ass begging to be fucked.”
“Me too!” Casey exclaimed as she grabbed Brian by the hand and lead him to the dance floor.
Brian and Casey danced for a couple songs together. Brian had an aggressive, masculine approach, which Casey found appealing in its own way. It contrasted with how Casey danced – sexy in the extreme but clearly lacking confidence.
They headed back to their table. “Hey, Lisa,” Brian called out over the music, “do you want to go dance?”
Lisa looked from Brian to Casey, uncertain. “Is that ok with you Casey? I don’t want to…”
Casey interrupted her friend, “what, don’t tell me you think dancing is patriarchal oppression now too!”
Lisa hesitated again, then said “fuck it,” got up, and went out on the dance floor.
Once they were gone Casey reached into her purse and pulled out the MP3 player. She slipped on the headphones and hit play. After a few minutes she had lost herself in the sound and was rocking to the beat in her seat.
A shadow crossed over her face. She looked up, suddenly self-conscious, and saw Brian standing above her. He was smirking down at her. Casey realized how dorky she must have looked rocking out to the sound of the earbuds, like she was doing everything in her power to avoid interacting with anyone else. She removed the earbuds.
“Brian! Come join us on the dance floor!” She gestured around to the groups of couples and threesomes dancing. “It looks like fun, and it will be easier for us to talk out there!”
Brian held out his hand to her. Casey smiled and grabbed it as she got up.
He led her through a quick tour of the bar – they walked past the pool tables and a group of guys shooting darts, past the dancefloor where Lisa seemed to be enjoying herself with some cute boy, and through a back door which lead to a covered patio outback.
“Where are we going?” Casey asked.
“I don’t really want to hang around with all your girlfriends tonight. Let’s go find somewhere quieter.”
Casey stopped. She pulled her hand free of Brian’s grasp.
“But… isn’t that part of what girls do at bars? Go and talk with their friends while boys leer at them from across the room?”
Brian rolled his eyes. He took Casey by the hand and led her to a nearby bench. “Ok, I’ve put up with enough of this shit,” he began. “It sounds like your program is working, so here’s what’s going to happen. We’re going to meet somewhere private tomorrow morning, and I’m going to bring you into my program for re-editing the film I’ve written for you.”
“What? What does that mean?” Casey asked nervously.
“Don’t worry about it. Just trust me: we’re going to make the best movie together.”
Casey wasn’t sure what to think. Her mouth felt dry, but she found herself nodding in agreement.
She let Brian lead her back into the bar. He guided her straight to a group of guys shooting darts. Three of them looked familiar to Casey – they were in her Feminist Film Studies class – but four of them were unfamiliar to her. They all wore polo shirts and shorts that were somehow unifying and distinct.
“Ok, so…” Brian paused and took a sip of his beer. “You have two roles available to you.”
One of the boys threw a dart, which hit dead center on the board. His friends cheered as he bowed mockingly.
Brian continued, “you can play either the damsel in distress, or the final boss. It’s pretty open-ended: you’ll both be the main character, and neither of you will. But first you need to help me write out your movie.”
They were seated in the patio of the same bar where they first met. It was quieter outside, away from the pool tables and dancefloor, and Casey felt relieved when Brian suggested they come back there. She would never have admitted it to her friends, but it made her nervous to talk in front of other people, and especially loud groups of men.
“How do I do that?” Casey asked.
“Just tell me something about you and Amanda,” Brian said as he pulled out his laptop. “Give me some basic ideas, and we can flesh them out into a whole script.”
“Um… ok?” Casey stalled while she thought about the sorts of films that she used to love. “Ok, so Amanda told me she wanted you to play the big strong hero who saves the day?”
“Sure,” Brian replied distractedly. He was tapping away at his keyboard.
“So this will be your story – you’re a Marine fighting aliens on some space station far out in orbit around Earth. You’re in this tiny spacecraft chasing an alien queen through corridors that were made too narrow for humans to get through easily. All the other Marines are gone. You don’t have much ammo left, but you know you’ll never get the alien menace off your planet without killing the queen first…”
Casey looked down at her notes, which had started to feel less distinct as she described the plot to Brian. As he typed along she could almost see the story play out in front of her: soldiers running, guns firing, blood splattering across bulkheads. It looked a bit like…
Something about the scene shifted. A soldier stood, staring down into the void of space through a portal. His face was calm, but his eyes reflected the weight of war that only he bore.
Casey cleared her throat and shook off the image in her head. She focused back on her notebook, then continued the tale she had been spinning, “so there’s this hole in the corridor right ahead of you where a section had broken away in a battle long ago. And there’s nothing else between you and the queen except vacuum.”
“This doesn’t sound so different from Aliens…” Brian noted.
“No,” Casey replied dismissively. “Aliens is like one of those action movies made by boys for boys. Those stories have girls and women in them because they think men need strong female characters to serve as models or inspirations for their own manliness.”
“But-“
“No!” Casey scolded him. “If there was a girl character, what was her role in the plot?”
Brian seemed at a loss, so Casey continued, “the first girl character you see in Alien isn’t even a human – she’s Ripley’s cat! Then Ash turns out to be evil, and that sets a pretty clear pattern for the film. The only major female character that makes it all the way through alive is Ripley. But she starts the story as this woman whose job it is to take care of others, and by the end she’s sacrificed everyone else on the ship just to survive.”
“Wow, that’s… depressing,” Brian looked impressed.
“Yeah,” Casey agreed. “Most Hollywood films aren’t written like this. Female characters aren’t usually villains or heroes. They’re almost never both. I think most stories are written to appeal mostly to men.”
“And the short film you’re making…?”
Casey grinned broadly. “That’s why I wanted you here tonight.”
“Ok.” Brian gave her his full attention.
“Your eyes seem weird,” Lisa pointed out. “Different.”
Brian nodded appreciatively, but ignored the comment. “Why did you want your roommate to be here for this meeting?”
“So when we talk about all the stuff you’re going to let me do to you she’ll hear it too!”
Lisa choked on her drink. Brian looked concerned as he patted her on the back, then asked, “what is it that I’m allowing you to do to me?”
“Don’t pretend to be coy with me!” Casey exclaimed. “This film class is killing me, and you’ve got these powers from the school and you’re not using them to help anyone but yourself! The least you can do is give your little project the same abilities so she can take a Feminist Film Studies class!”
Lisa finished choking on her drink, then responded, “uh… Casey, what are you talking about?”
“Brian has a secret weapon he’s been working on to teach people super-fast,” Casey explained. “You heard him – I’ll do anything for him to get it. He didn’t need to say that out loud in front of you.”
Lisa was confused as she turned to look at Brian. “What is she talking about?”
Brian sighed and shook his head. “When she first asked me to help her I wanted to test the program. So I said something about how it was our little secret and she’d have to do anything for me if she wanted to keep it quiet.”
“No… really? That sounds like some creepy guy shit,” Lisa scowled.
“I know!” Casey snapped at her, annoyed. “I told you he wouldn’t make that kind of offer unless it was true. He probably couldn’t believe his luck!”
“Thanks,” Brian mumbled into his drink.
“And you still used it after he made that shitty bargain with Amanda? Casey, if you’re trying to tell me something…”
“Ugh! No! It’s nothing like that! Look… the last couple weeks have been a struggle. You know – my parents cut me off, and I was going to have to leave school. My dad said he’d reconsider if I could pass Feminist Film Studies without getting an internship or something for the credits.”
Casey bit her lip nervously, then continued, “so yeah, I’m kinda desperate. That doesn’t mean I want to date Brian. And I can barely even stand him as a person!”
“Fair enough,” Lisa replied. “Sorry I jumped to conclusions.”
“Oh! Also, I was wondering if you’d ever considered doing a nude photo shoot? Like for an art project?”
“A naked photo shoot? Are you joking? What are you even thinking? Do you see any naked guys hanging around asking if you want to pose for a painting?” Lisa’s tone shifted from anger back to amusement. “Wait… how does your brainwashing program feel about this conversation? Should I be worried about you turning into a sex robot or something?”
“No, no!” Casey tried to wave off her friend’s concern as she giggled. “Well… I guess so, yeah. If someone wanted you to be a sex robot they could do that now. They could just make an AI and use your body with your consent if they needed anything more than a few pictures. This program is pretty subtle – I’m not suddenly going to turn into a robot.”
“That sounds awful! You can’t seriously think a machine is capable of love or any kind of real relationship, can you?”
“Sure they can,” Casey explained. “Machines can experience feelings the same as any of us. The only difference is that those feelings happen faster. I mean… if our bodies were as slow as a computer, how would we react to threats or danger? We’d just die – it wouldn’t do us any good. Just because computers don’t need sleep and they can analyze millions of things at once doesn’t mean their feelings aren’t valid.”
Lisa scowled at her friend’s explanation. “Ok. Whatever. That wasn’t even the part I thought was important. How much studying did it take for you to decide you like makeup and sex?”
“I don’t know… not a lot, I guess.”
“Well let me give you some friendly advice,” Lisa responded with a stern tone. “You’ll get better results from men if you pretend that you hate makeup and sex than if you go around talking about ‘feminism’.”
“Wow!” Casey seemed annoyed. “How dare you make the male patriarchy seem less attractive with your bullshit, manipulative lies, right?”
Casey paused and her mouth opened to continue speaking, but nothing came out. After a few moments she spoke again, with much less confidence. “I’m sorry Lisa. I have no idea what came over me. I’m trying to get better control of my temper so that doesn’t happen. Please forgive me.”
Lisa gave Casey a curious look, but nodded in agreement. “Of course I forgive you! Just… take care of yourself, ok? If you start seeing or hearing things, promise me you’ll stop using this stuff.”
“Of course Lisa!” Casey replied earnestly. “I love you so much! You’re always looking out for me. Do you want to head home and fuck?”
“Whoa…” Lisa put down her drink. “Where did that come from?!”
“Sorry, I guess I got carried away.”
“Yeah, I think that’s a bit much,” Lisa agreed. She finished her drink, then asked, “do you want to dance instead?”
“That sounds perfect,” Casey replied. She felt a buzzing sensation in her pocket as she sent off a text message to Brian that she wasn’t able to meet with him.
The girls danced their way through an hour of music before they decided to go home.
Over the next few weeks, Casey listened to the program whenever she could. It had gotten to the point where she wasn’t sure if she should listen or not; at times she felt that even without it she would still understand and accept the material, and sometimes she felt so over-exposed to the sound that her brain almost seemed to tune it out like any other repetitive background noise.
Casey was happy when her Feminist Film Studies class covered material she had learned from the program. Professor Baxter lectured, “as women we need to resist these stereotypes of masculinity and their objectification of the feminine.”
“Objectification of the feminine…” the phrase bounced around in Casey’s mind. “That makes no sense! If every woman on the planet went into hiding, we wouldn’t become extinct, right? As long as there are men on earth there will be a female sex to serve them! We can never not be objects!”
Professor Baxter stopped her lecture and peered over her glasses at Casey, who was grinning uncontrollably after her epiphany.
The professor continued her lecture, “if this class has any effect on you then you’ll start thinking about yourselves differently. You’ll feel less pressure to conform to what society tells you femininity means, and instead embrace it in your own unique ways.”
This lecture reminded Casey of how she looked at women differently after applying makeup to herself. Her brain felt clearer, and she understood things on a deeper level. She also started seeing men as part of the same species as herself for the first time in her life. It was like opening her eyes for the first time.
As soon as she got home she wanted to experiment more with her looks. She wanted to try new ways of doing her hair and makeup, and pick out more feminine clothes. In some ways she wasn’t sure where these desires were coming from, but she knew they felt right. She felt comfortable, and confident, and happy for the first time. She knew it was all because of the changes Brian’s program brought to her.
A smile spread across Casey’s face as she recalled the promise she had made to him. His presence seemed almost omnipresent to her; he was in everything she did and thought. Her desire to look pretty for him was only natural, and she felt proud that she was able to fulfill his needs so well.
Lisa eyed her friend suspiciously before saying, “Casey? I think maybe you should find a new method to study your classes.”
“Why?” Casey asked cheerfully. “I feel better than ever!”
“It just seems like, um,” Lisa glanced around, “your brain is changing when you use that thing.”
Casey stared at Lisa’s lips. After a moment she realized that Lisa had finished her sentence. “No, no it isn’t,” she answered slowly, struggling to catch up.
“Your speech sounds… slower or something.”
“That’s just how you hear me say these important concepts. My speech doesn’t sound slower, it sounds less jumbled and nonsensical. You should listen to me when I talk about feminism!”
Lisa regarded her friend carefully before she replied, “you know… it almost sounds like you believe that bullshit you’re talking.”
“Thanks! Yeah, I do,” Casey responded enthusiastically.
At that, Lisa’s jaw dropped open.
Casey took her expression as encouragement and continued, “and I was thinking that we should write some short skits for our improv show! Like, instead of doing funny scenes like we’ve been doing, we could do some feminist plays. Not too long, of course, but it would get a point across to a bunch of guys who will have to sit there and watch it. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
Lisa laughed nervously, still struggling to process Casey’s strange demeanor. “Uh, maybe. It depends what we would do.”
“That’s fine!” Casey responded. “If we plan well I’m sure it won’t take much to put together a solid piece that gets our point across.”
“I’m… gonna go to the bar and order us more drinks.” Lisa stood abruptly. Casey started to stand so she could follow her friend, but Lisa motioned for her to stay seated. “It’s ok, I’ll bring them over here.”
“So…” Lisa’s tone was suspicious as she sat back down several minutes later, “this guy who helped you out… what’s his name again?”
“Brian. He’s my friend Brian.”
“And he makes… audio tapes?”
Casey shrugged, suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable. She tried to brush off Lisa’s question, “yeah, audio programs. You know, they play noises in the background that you don’t consciously understand while you’re studying or reading.”
Lisa seemed to consider Casey’s answer for a moment. After a pause, she continued her line of questioning, “you said he would be helping you with your film? So he’ll be helping you… write the film?”
“Well, yeah,” Casey agreed. Then after a thoughtful pause, “and directing it. And filming it.”
“So he’s a film major too? What’s his name?”
“Brian,” Casey answered. “His name is Brian, and I can’t remember what department he’s from. Something about computers or psychology, I think? I don’t really know because…”
“Because he only taught you the stuff he wanted you to learn,” Lisa finished. “He fed you his ideas through these subliminal tapes that you listened to so much that they turned you into a pod person.”
“That’s so unfair, Lisa!” Casey shot back angrily. “You don’t even know him.”
“Neither do you,” Lisa accused, “not if you’re trusting the things you’re learning from him. Did you ever consider that he could be taking advantage of you for who knows what reasons? Does your boyfriend know about your new friend Brian?”
Casey glared at Lisa as her jaw clenched in anger. She downed her drink in a single gulp and walked away before she could say something she might regret. As she strode off, she realized she forgot to order another round. Instead of going back for them, she continued out the front door and began the walk home alone.
She didn’t mind walking by herself in the dark. It was late enough that there weren’t any crowds out on the streets, and she thought she looked too shabby for anyone to bother her. The night air was cool, but she had a coat and scarf which kept the chill away. She felt fine, and slightly intoxicated from drinking her vodka cranberry so fast.
Casey walked faster than normal. She was angry and wanted to blow off steam, but most importantly she had a craving to get back home to Brian’s MP3 player. Her mind swirled with strange thoughts, and she wasn’t sure how to interpret them. She thought about Lisa, who clearly misunderstood feminism. She thought about her mother, and how much she would have hated Professor Baxter. She thought about herself, and her own personal struggles with fitting in socially while still expressing herself honestly.
None of her thoughts made sense to her. They were all just… emotions, swirling around like leaves blown by the wind. Something about Brian’s tapes, and their strange programming had stirred things up in her mind that she had never really thought about before. The tapes gave her ideas and feelings, without ever providing her with an explanation of where they came from. She wanted to stop listening to them, or to ask for an explanation of what was going on inside her, but at the same time she found that she craved them even when she didn’t consciously realize it.
As soon as she was home she sat down next to the speaker. She knew that she should get changed and wash off her makeup, but she wanted to listen to Brian’s MP3 player right away. She slipped the earbuds in, hit “play”, and immediately felt soothed by the soothing sound.
It was like she hadn’t realized how anxious and uncomfortable she had been. Her body relaxed as her heart rate dropped. Casey lay back on the floor, feeling calm and satisfied in a way she hadn’t felt all night. She was confused, worried, upset – but somehow it all seemed so much more manageable when the MP3 player was playing. It helped her cope until she could start listening to Brian’s tapes again and make everything alright once more.
She sat up as the song ended. It was the longest song so far. They tended to repeat every twenty minutes or so. She wondered what happened if she listened to them for too long. Brian’s caution made it clear he expected her to use his program wisely.
She went into the bathroom and began taking off her makeup, then washed her face and put on a clean t-shirt. By the time she emerged the first song had played twice more. The second song started to play as she turned off the speaker and pulled out the plug, then put away the MP3 player for the night.
When she closed her eyes she could still hear the music.
The music followed her into sleep and stayed with her as she dreamed. They were strange dreams – like a collection of scenes from a film without dialogue or story. She dreamed she was walking on a street at night. She didn’t see anyone else, but there were lights in windows. She was afraid, although she wasn’t sure why. She kept walking anyway. In another dream she watched herself walk by a large mirror and caught a glimpse of someone who looked vaguely like her reflected back at herself. She saw herself wearing a pink dress, with bright red lipstick and immaculate makeup. Her hair was long and flowing over her shoulders.
“Who is that girl?” Casey thought to herself when she woke up.
Casey was startled awake by the alarm she had set for 8 AM. It felt like it came immediately after her dream, although she knew that was probably not true.
She rolled over in her bed to check her phone. As the day before, she found herself feeling slightly disoriented. Her thoughts were sluggish as they trudged through the muddy marshlands of her brain. She was having trouble stringing her thoughts together.
Casey rubbed the sleep from her eyes and got up to make coffee. As she waited for the pot to finish brewing, she checked her email. There was no response yet from Brian – he must have slept in again. Or maybe he had stayed up all night. He worked nights sometimes when he got obsessive about his projects. That was a big part of how he always managed to get top grades and finish his research projects ahead of schedule.
As Casey watched the coffee percolate she tried to hold onto the dream she had been having. It was already starting to slip away from her. She wanted to write it down so she could remember it, but once she started looking for her phone and notebook her brain switched to getting ready for the day and forgot entirely about her dream.
It had something to do with her classes though… and some kind of meeting? She shook her head and shrugged off her confusion. “That’s Brian’s thing,” she told herself. “My job is just to show him how well it works.”
Casey put on a pair of headphones to listen to the player while she worked on her paper. Professor Baxter hated that, but her roommate didn’t seem to mind, and Professor Baxter wasn’t the sort of person you wanted to anger. In the first month of class alone she had kicked three girls out for using their phones during her lectures. Casey figured that she should be grateful not to be expelled by now.
She still listened whenever she could, but over the last two weeks it had become less and less necessary. She found the noises relaxing, and liked the background noise even when she wasn’t actively trying to learn anything. If there were any lingering traces of fogginess or disorientation they were completely gone by now, but the sound helped her focus and concentrate better. The longer she listened the more she enjoyed it – like an album you love that grows more meaningful with time and deeper listening.
The buzzer sounded at 9 PM, startling Casey out of her contemplative work. She opened the door to find Brian waiting impatiently.
“Are you ready?” He asked without preamble.
“Hi. You look nice tonight, how are you? Yeah, I’m good,” Casey answered sarcastically as she ushered Brian into her apartment.
“Oh, right. How are you? Did you miss me?”
“Miss your whiny ass? Never,” Casey responded with a teasing grin.
“So let’s see how the program is working.”
“Yeah, I’ve got it over here.” Casey showed Brian how to plug his MP3 player into her speakers. His brow furrowed as he studied her. She could tell something was wrong, but decided to just wait patiently.
Once everything was hooked up, Brian turned off the lights and dimmed them using her computer so they only faint glow could be seen. He picked up a remote that he had modified for controlling the device. Casey couldn’t see any buttons, which she assumed meant it used some kind of IR or RF technology.
“You can play anything, right? Like anything you want? You aren’t making me listen to a podcast on the history of the menstrual cycle are you?”
Brian laughed. “No, no history lessons. The player is going to mix up every audio track in random order to keep you from getting too used to any pattern. All of the content was written by Professor Baxter – she won’t admit it, but some of us recognized her style. It should blend right in with any Feminist Film Studies lecture material, if there is such a thing.”
Brian flipped a switch to power up the machine, then pressed a button on the remote. As soon as Casey put the earbuds into her ears she felt that rush of sound, and something else she didn’t quite recognize. She found the feeling comforting and relaxing. She tried to focus on one voice, but as soon as she tuned into one she couldn’t find another. They weren’t talking loudly, or even at high speeds – it just seemed like all the sounds overlapped, like an auditory version of when dozens of people are having simultaneous conversations in a large room.
The noise didn’t distract or annoy her. On the contrary she found it oddly soothing, although she was aware enough to understand that being soothed by a collection of Feminist Film Studies lectures would have confused her friend. She let her mind wander while the strange background noise filled her brain.
After an hour Brian took back the player and started checking statistics. Casey had to shake her head clear before she could ask how it had worked. He was quiet and concentrated, ignoring her questions until he finished his analysis.
“Well?” Casey asked when he finally looked up from his clipboard. “How did I do? Was it as effective as Amanda?”
“Not even close,” Brian snapped. “That stupid noise you were supposed to be hearing only worked sometimes. You got about half of the words right. If this was your final exam, I’d think someone drugged you beforehand.”
Casey shrank back. “Sorry…”
“But…” Brian continued, “you know exactly what I’m talking about.”
Casey nodded enthusiastically. His harsh comments cut her confidence down, but he was right. She felt like she knew more than ever before about feminism and film studies.
Lisa changed the subject and launched into a story about how a hot guy in her English class was texting her. Casey sipped her beer and tried to listen. She still felt distracted by Brian’s insults and confused by her new opinions on feminism.
She wasn’t sure if Lisa actually believed her explanation – Casey found herself unsure about almost everything. When she was with Professor Baxter and when she listened to his programming she felt confident and sure of herself and her worldview, but it was only when she was in that class, or listening to that noise, that she remembered that those thoughts and beliefs existed within her at all.
Lisa left, saying something about meeting some guy she met online. Casey stayed alone, watching the football game and mulling over her conflicted feelings. She thought about what it was like to be with Brian and how much she wanted to make him proud of her.
Eventually she decided to stop agonizing over her doubts and leave to meet Brian at his office. She felt a warm flush of excitement when she walked through the doors and started up the stairs.
Casey stopped short as she approached Brian’s door. Her mind spun as she looked at the name plate next to the door.
Dr. Brian Diaz
The words hit Casey harder than she expected. She knew he was working toward a PhD, but…
When Amanda described being helped by him to pass differential equations, she told Casey that she called Brian “doctor” whenever they were together. They always studied in Brian’s office and never his home, because he said it created psychological distance from each other. He also wouldn’t let Amanda see the contents of the files in his safe or any of his computers because they were technically university property. When Casey learned that her friend was seeing a guy old enough to have graduated and still be using his office at the college she was disturbed, but also intrigued by the fact that he was apparently very smart and sophisticated.
It took her years to find out how close to the mark her friend’s description was: Doctor Brian Diaz, PhD Candidate (the “candidate” part usually being left off when Brian introduced himself). His work had been recently published in Psychology Today and in Nature for his research on encoding information without decoding it, with implications for cognitive science and computer-mediated learning. Brian wasn’t going to become wealthy from his discoveries or patent them because they would benefit far too many others, but he would undoubtedly have a respected career after he became a professor.
“Hey, don’t look so concerned!” Casey teased to try to cheer up Lisa, who looked worried.
Lisa forced a smile. “It’s fine. It’s your choice. As long as you’re alright.”
They chatted through the evening about Lisa’s classes and the guys she was trying to date. Casey felt distracted and spaced out, as if the MP3 player’s white noise was playing inside her head and she couldn’t shut it off. She drank quickly to dull it a bit, but still found it difficult to focus on conversations and people. She excused herself from the table when her phone buzzed with an incoming call – it was Brian.
Casey wandered over to a quiet corner of the bar to take the call, but found the volume from the ambient chatter in the crowded bar too much to hear him well enough. “Hang on,” she whispered into the phone, and headed out into the fresh night air.
“Where are you?” he asked her once they were no longer competing with noisy crowds.
“Oh, uh… a bar downtown,” Casey answered, “meet me here? There’s a cute guy here who looks just your type, so I thought-“
Brian interrupted Casey’s invitation. “Actually I was calling because I wanted you to come by my house now. I have some tests I want to run to make sure there aren’t any negative side effects to the program.”
“Oh. Um, sure I guess?” Casey responded awkwardly. She hadn’t actually met Brian anywhere besides his office before, and the idea of showing up at his apartment so late without Lisa or another friend felt uncomfortable to her. But what choice did she have – if the program did something bad to her mind then she needed to know ASAP. “I’m going to bring my roommate, though, ok?”
“I suppose so,” Brian answered reluctantly, “but she’ll probably need to wait in the lobby or something. And don’t bring anyone else.”
“Um… alright. Thanks Brian!”
Casey disconnected the call and tried to get Lisa excited about going with her. After some coaxing Lisa agreed. They finished their drinks and headed to the bus stop.
Lisa stopped at the entrance to Brian’s building. She took out her phone and said, “I should call someone and let them know where we are.”
“What?” Casey scoffed, annoyed that they were wasting time standing in the dark night, even though she knew that Lisa had a point.
Lisa held the phone to her ear. There was an extended pause, then, “Oh fuck! You won’t believe it – it’s snowing in Florida! How crazy is that!”
The snow was barely sticking to the ground when the girls found Brian, but he seemed enthusiastic about going anyway. On their walk back to the bar Brian kept talking about the film he wanted Casey to make – how his role should be important, and how he got final approval on content before shooting begins.
“I think your boyfriend is trying to brainwash you,” Lisa whispered to Casey when Brian left them alone for a few minutes.
Casey laughed loudly, earning dirty looks from the bartender and some nearby patrons. “Why would you say something like that?”
“He keeps going on about how you two are going to make a movie together. And now there’s snow in Florida? Come on! This stuff doesn’t happen.”
“There’s lots of places where snow happens during the winter. I’m not saying it makes any sense either. That’s why you should come with me: we can figure this out together.”
“Are you sure you want to bring a non-believer along when you go meet your creepy brainwashing boyfriend?” Lisa asked with a giggle.
“You’ve been watching too many movies, girl! No one has been brainwashed here – Brian wouldn’t even know how to do that. All he does is write these subliminals. Besides, he’s a total sweetheart.”
“But if you’re really learning things from his tapes, then shouldn’t you be afraid he could change you? If he did it without meaning to?” Lisa smirked.
Casey shook her head vigorously, then stopped, suddenly realizing that she was probably doing exactly what Brian’s programming was turning her into.
“This sounds like complete bullshit!” Brian exploded as soon as he finished listening to the lecture tape. Casey was sitting beside him with a set of speakers next to her laptop. The volume on the laptop was cranked as far up as it would go.
“It sounds great,” Casey replied as calmly as possible.
Brian rolled his eyes and started to walk away from the table.
Casey grabbed his wrist desperately, “please help me finish this! We could do some cool stuff with our films if we worked together.”
“Not this garbage we won’t,” Brian spat. “This is a load of shit I wouldn’t pay for porn about. I thought the material would give me more insight into how men think, but instead it’s just a bunch of sexist cliches.”
Casey’s mouth twitched slightly downward at Brian’s use of the phrase ‘how men think’ instead of ‘how all people think’.
“Can’t you just change the script or something?” Casey pleaded.
Brian shrugged. “Why would I do that?”
Casey opened her mouth and then closed it again. Why was she so invested in Brian finishing the program for her? Would she be more or less likely to succeed if she stopped listening to it? “Can you make some music or something? I’ll help you make a video if you get rid of all this garbage.”
“I told you already that I didn’t want to do a girl movie. I don’t want to go near it.”
“I’ll take care of it – you won’t even need to show your face!” Casey could barely contain herself. The prospect of a project to help take her mind off the endless lectures and books from class excited her.
Brian sighed heavily, as if he were putting himself out on her behalf, and said, “alright. Alright, fine.”
Casey threw her arms around him and gave him a huge hug. Her body pressed up against his, making them both notice that her tight jeans and low-cut top made her look surprisingly feminine for how plain she usually dressed.
“You can be the monster I get rid of!” Casey bubbled before leaving Brian alone in the living room. He picked up his books and headed back to his own place.
“What are we doing here?”
Casey snapped awake at Lisa’s question. She had dozed off briefly at the table. A few empty cups were lined up next to her half-drunk beer, while Lisa leaned on her elbows with her head resting on one hand.
“What time is it?” Casey asked groggily.
“Almost two,” Lisa replied flatly.
“Shit, shit! Sorry, I really need to get to sleep,” Casey explained as she stood up. “I’ll see you later, ok? And please keep what I said about the subliminals quiet for now, ok?”
Lisa gave Casey a suspicious look and nodded agreement before Casey rushed out of the bar.
Casey walked home alone, feeling like something was wrong. It was after midnight in a strange neighborhood, but she somehow didn’t feel particularly unsafe. She realized as she turned down a dark street that she wasn’t quite sure how to get back to her apartment. She knew which direction to go, but every cross street seemed unfamiliar.
Casey heard footsteps behind her, and saw two young men approach her from the dim glow of a streetlight at a corner. Her heart pounded and she was afraid that she might start to hyperventilate. But when she looked closer at them, there was something strangely familiar about one of them.
“I should tell them I can’t take them to where they want to go. I shouldn’t walk strange men through dangerous neighborhoods.” Casey knew that’s what she should say, but for some reason it felt so…
Wrong.
Something deep inside told her not to say anything of the sort.
Instead she smiled politely and said, “are you lost?”
She immediately wondered if she would have said something else instead, but now her lips had already formed the words. They were out in the world now, and they couldn’t be taken back.
“Oh my God! Yes! Do you know how to get to the 430 bar?” One man asked hopefully.
“Yes,” Casey said warmly, “it’s not far from here at all. I’d be happy to take you.” She didn’t even look at him as he took a seat at the table with them. Casey noticed that she wasn’t wearing quite enough makeup. She felt like her outfit wasn’t sexy enough and that her hair was too plain and bland.
“Casey, are you feeling ok? You’re acting a little… off.” Lisa interrupted Casey’s thoughts to ask.
“I’m sorry! I need to run to the bathroom for a minute!” Casey apologized before getting up. “Please get us two beers while I’m gone, would you?”
Casey slipped into the bathroom to fix her makeup. A cute boy had approached the table, so she figured she might as well show some leg to attract his attention. She knew it was shallow and superficial, but that wouldn’t stop her. It felt good to flirt.
The woman in the mirror caught Casey’s eye again. For a moment she was confused about who the pretty, smiling young woman looking back at her could be. Then it clicked: it was her. It was how she used to see herself when she first went on a date with a boy she liked. It was how she used to look whenever she knew there would be boys around to impress.
Casey looked down and saw that she had unzipped her hoodie, revealing a tight t-shirt. The thin cotton hugged the shape of her body like she had been poured into it. She smiled as she realized that she must have done that without realizing. That’s what you’re supposed to do to get boys to stare at your boobs, right?
But Casey was a feminist now! She didn’t want the attention of a patriarchal society that valued her based on the degree to which she looked sexy, did she? Or did she? Wasn’t it better for women to use sexiness to get ahead, instead of men getting ahead at the expense of women?
Before Casey could decide how to act she saw Brian approaching. Casey greeted him by jumping up, giving him a hug, and pressing her lips against his cheek. “Hi! I’m so happy to see you! We have to hang out more often! You don’t know what I’ve missed!” She rattled off words faster than her mouth could form them properly.
Brian held his hands out in front of him defensively. He stepped away from Casey so she couldn’t plant anymore kisses on him. “What’s all this about?”
“I missed seeing my favorite guy. That’s not so weird, is it?”
“Is this another one of your feminist ideas?” Brian asked warily.
“Feminism doesn’t require you to be an unfeeling robot. And even if it did, what do you care? I’m not being a bad feminist: I’m taking charge of my feelings, rather than letting the patriarchy tell me how I feel.”
“If you say so,” Brian muttered uncomfortably.
They both watched Casey as she talked to her roommate and his friends. The girls were laughing as they joked around with each other, and occasionally with the boys who gathered around them. When Casey started flirting, the other girls cheered her on and tried to egg her into kissing one of the men she was talking to.
Brian watched, fascinated. He was shocked to see how confident and assertive Casey seemed after only a few weeks under the influence of his programming. Her body language seemed completely transformed from the shy girl he first met. The clothes she wore to class had always looked baggy and intentionally unfeminine, but here she looked like a sexy girl-next-door in a white t-shirt that clung tightly to her frame.
It looked like the transformation went deeper than just clothing. As they laughed at Casey’s jokes and flirted back, it looked like even her face was changing. She no longer looked tired, or withdrawn, or unsure. She wasn’t wearing her usual thick glasses, but instead was wearing contacts or nothing at all. Without them she looked prettier, more alive, but also more predatory.
“So,” Casey said, wrapping her arms around one of the boys who’d been talking to her, “did you guys bring your board with you? I’ve never been skateboarding before.”
The boy blushed. “Yeah, I’ve got my board.”
Casey grabbed his hand. “Will you show me how to do a kickflip? Come on!”
She lead the poor guy out the door towards the parking lot where there was a little concrete ramp. Several others followed them out, while several others drifted off elsewhere in the bar.
He showed her the move over and over, gently correcting her mistakes and encouraging her each time she came close.
By the time they finished it was almost midnight, and they were the only ones left at the bar. There was no one else around to see when he pulled her closer. No one saw as he planted kisses down her neck, nor as she moaned softly into his ear. The darkness hid their bodies as they moved together in the middle of the empty parking lot, their pants around their ankles, the cool air raising goosebumps on their bare legs as he pulled up her shirt to grab at her chest and bury himself inside of her.
When it was done, he told her to go back inside to get cleaned up while he drove home. His girlfriend was waiting up for him. That made her feel good: to know that someone else wanted him like she did. He was such a great guy after all. She felt so lucky that he had taken an interest in her and helped her learn the kickflip.
When the group finally went their separate ways at the end of the night, she looked forward to going out with them again soon.
“I have a question.”
Brian raised an eyebrow as he turned from his computer screen towards the sound of Casey’s voice. They had agreed to meet at a coffee shop a few blocks from the university where they wouldn’t be disturbed.
“Why did you agree to do this?” She asked after Brian signaled for her to continue.
He shrugged. “Well… I need test subjects, don’t I? And you are very, very willing.”
“Is that why you were interested in helping me too? Because you needed test subjects?”
Brian nodded. “Well, I’m not going to be grading papers or cleaning up after some entitled twat. It needs to be someone who knows what they’re doing, and who’ll do what they’re told without question.”
“And that’s… me?” Casey asked uncertainly.
Brian put his hand on her thigh and started rubbing it. “That’s exactly right. You’re a good girl, Casey.”
The touch of Brian’s hand on her bare skin immediately made her aware of just how much she wanted him. A blush came across her face and neck and she found herself unable to respond with more than a bashful smile.
When he pulled his hand away Casey felt an ache and a hunger inside of her. It occurred to her that she wanted him so much that she was willing to sacrifice all of the values of autonomy and free choice that were at the very foundation of feminism. But it was only sex, wasn’t it? What harm would there be?
She pushed the thoughts from her head as Lisa ordered another round for their table. Casey sipped her beer as she listened to Lisa tell them about a cute guy she had met and hoped to hook up with later. The conversation gave Casey an idea. She got up and walked over to the group of boys who had gathered around a billiard table, talking excitedly about something happening in a sports game.
“Hey guys!” She smiled and fluttered her eyelids as she tried to get their attention.
“I want to learn to shoot pool,” Casey announced confidently.
She saw one of the guys roll his eyes and shake his head dismissively before walking away from the table. Another leaned back and looked her up and down, his interest apparent, if not yet clear.
“Sure, beautiful.” The pool cue slid easily into her grip as he put his hands over hers. He showed her how to aim, where to hit the ball, and helped her line up the shot.
He took his hands away as she drew the cue back and pushed it forward. The force carried through the shaft into the tip as it gently tapped the ball.
Casey beamed as the four ball disappeared into a pocket. “Hey! You said you were going to take a break when I get this far! Buy me a drink.”
“Anything you say, beautiful,” he agreed readily.
The beer didn’t taste particularly good, but Casey drank half the bottle before setting it aside. When the other guys in the group turned their attention back to the game she took her pool cue and went over to another table where three boys were talking about video games.
“Mind if I try this one out?” she asked with a flirty smile.
“Yeah! Of course!” One boy hurriedly put down his cue and handed it to her.
Casey missed a few easy shots before she leaned over the table to line up the five ball. The guy she had come over to talk with stood beside her and tried to give her pointers. He told her how to aim and which balls to hit first. The information didn’t seem to stick, but she did like the feel of him being close to her and touching her gently as he demonstrated the form that she should use.
The balls fell where he had pointed them out to her, even though it felt like she was doing everything wrong. When the boys turned their attention back to each other, Casey put a hand on the guy’s arm and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Buy me a beer?” she asked sweetly.
She sat next to him at a table while they sipped their drinks and chatted. It was nothing special – small talk about music, movies, classes, family, anything to keep the conversation going and buy more time sitting close together. They flirted openly. Casey didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.
They went out and shot more pool, although he seemed more interested in chatting with his friends than actually playing. He offered advice from time to time, touching her gently when showing how to position her cue or aim the stick. His hands on her made Casey shiver a bit.
Once or twice he came behind her to show her how to stand. It would feel nice, if a little patronizing, except she could feel his crotch press up against her ass and feel his breath on her neck as he spoke low and softly into her ear.
After that Casey found it harder to focus on her game. She tried leaning over the table as far as she could and bending over the rail while sticking her ass back towards him. He gave her a few more pointers before he stopped coming closer to touch her. Instead he watched quietly. When she failed to pocket any shots he said that her form was off.
He stood behind her again and put his hands on her hips. Slowly, his fingers traced down her sides and around to the front of her jeans, where he hooked his thumb through a belt loop. His other hand was on the small of her back, so that the base of her spine pressed into the bulge in his pants.
Casey didn’t complain, nor did she move.
His thumb gently stroked the side of her belly, and he whispered in her ear how she needed to stand more erect and hold her body more parallel to the ground. She leaned over slightly less this time, so that he could look straight down into the valley between her breasts.
Casey bit her lower lip and blushed slightly. He seemed pleased with her progress. He asked if there were any other skills she wanted to learn. Casey tried not to think too hard about it – or at all about what her teacher would think if she told him.
She felt embarrassed as she muttered, “girls say I give bad blow jobs.”
He stood behind her and put his hand on hers. He slowly guided her stroke, taking his time to explain how to aim and when to start slow. She was grateful for the help. She was determined to be the best cocksucker in the world.
Casey blinked, snapped out of the vivid daydream by Lisa snapping her fingers inches away from her face.
“Earth to Casey? You there?”
“Yeah! Just… just thinking.”
Lisa shook her head. “This subliminal stuff isn’t working out so well for you. It’s making you spacey.”
“What?” Casey tried to deny it, but realized that Lisa was right. She also knew that something else was wrong, or right. She wasn’t sure if this feeling of being off was her normal self trying to break free of Brian’s conditioning or her old self being corrupted by it.
“Maybe you should just try studying without all those fancy learning techniques and see how it goes,” Lisa suggested.
“That’s probably a good idea,” Casey replied distractedly. “I don’t know how much I’ll be able to do in the next few days. I have to make a short film, and work on an essay, and get a midterm test done, and… did I mention the short film? Plus I need to help Brian with his research project.”
Lisa put her hand over Casey’s mouth. “Just stop! All this stress is making your problems worse. Just do the work and let me buy you some drinks, ok?”
Casey smiled back at her friend, feeling relieved by the advice.
In two weeks’ time Casey got more sleep than she had gotten all semester combined. She felt great after taking a nap, and found that she could focus better when she wasn’t half-comatose from exhaustion. Even the MP3 player seemed less obtrusive.
Casey went through most of the day without remembering that she had an essay due, until the afternoon sun hit her windows at an odd angle and woke her up as if it were morning. She started to panic – the assignment had only been hinted at in the first week and hadn’t been assigned explicitly. Casey knew it was going to take most of her free time to complete. She had to start that night or she wouldn’t be able to do the work justice.
Casey ran a brush through her hair, quickly removed her makeup from the previous evening, grabbed some snacks, and ran down to the library. She checked a number of books about film, then grabbed several academic journals about feminist film criticism off of the shelf. There was an old film database in the back corner and she hoped that it might lead her towards useful information.
Three hours later, Casey sat with her chin in her hands, staring blankly into space. A dozen different books lay open before her, and none of them contained anything useful. All the films she considered were by men or for men, about male problems. She couldn’t decide if her professor was trying to trick her, or just being oblivious, but there wasn’t anything she could think of that would allow her to get away with using those as examples of feminism.
Her phone rang, but Casey didn’t look at it. It stopped ringing and started vibrating immediately after. Brian’s name appeared on the caller id. Casey put the phone up to her ear and greeted him distractedly.
“Where are you?” He asked. “We were going to meet fifteen minutes ago.”
“At the library, looking for some examples of feminist movies that will let me pass the course,” she replied. She felt frustrated by her lack of progress.
“Oh, fuck that shit!” Brian snapped into the phone. “Listen, meet me in ten minutes at my lab, ok? And leave those books there where you found them. Just go straight here.”
He told her the name of the building and which room he worked in before hanging up. She hurried there, hoping for answers. When she arrived she found a large door at the end of a deserted hall. When she knocked she was surprised by the size of the room – she couldn’t even see where the room ended.
The lights came on, illuminating only the section directly in front of the door. In a moment, Brian stepped out from behind a pile of machines to greet her. Casey thought the room looked like it was half storage, and half a mad scientist laboratory. A large projector stood in the center, surrounded by various machines she couldn’t identify.
She handed Brian her Feminist Film Studies books while asking, “do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
“That shit is garbage!” Brian declared. “It’s barely feminist, and I don’t even know if you could call it film studies.” He started flipping through the pages of one of the books as if looking for something he knew must be buried deep inside.
“Ok…” Casey replied, confused. “But… the stuff I’ve been learning from your tapes is working?”
Brian shrugged. “Sure. I mean, yes. But… do you feel different than when you started using them?”
“No? Just a little brain foggy until I listen for a while. Now it’s pretty easy to understand.”
“What about socially? Do you notice any differences?”
“Not really. Except maybe today.”
“Oh?” Brian pressed.
“I don’t know,” Casey responded dismissively, “Lisa says I’m acting weird because I’m wearing makeup and talking about feminism.”
“And are you acting weird because you’re wearing makeup and talking about feminism? It sounds like you are.”
“No! What? No!” Casey stammered.
Brian shrugged. “Sounds like maybe someone who isn’t familiar with your usual behavior might notice a difference.”
Casey glared at him while she tried to think of what to say. When nothing came to mind she asked, “why am I here?”
“What do you mean?”
“What am I supposed to be doing for you if I get an ‘A’ in my class?” Casey asked suspiciously.
“Right!” He clapped his hands together in excitement. “Your Feminist Film Studies final project – I want you to shoot your final project using my film. And then write me into your script so I can appear in it too.”
“No!” Casey replied emphatically, recoiling away from Brian in shock.
“You’ll let me fuck you, but you won’t let me in your movie?” Brian said with a hint of annoyance in his voice.
“You fucked me because I wasn’t going to help you.”
“Yeah,” he shrugged as if it wasn’t worth denying, “I know you’d probably still let me fuck you anyway if I wanted to.”
“Eew, gross!” She replied, sounding unsure of herself. Her hands went automatically to her breasts, which looked bigger under the blouse she wore.
Brian shook his head. “No point arguing about that. You’re not giving me anything, so it doesn’t matter. What’s the part I’m going to be playing in the movie?”
“What do you mean?” She sounded confused. She had changed into more feminine clothes than usual when Brian called, but her skirt and blouse were modest.
“Do I have a name? What’s my motivation? Who are my enemies? Tell me about myself so I can develop my character.”
Casey giggled at him. “You’re ridiculous!”
“I think this is an important aspect of acting,” he pressed. “Are you saying that you wouldn’t want your director asking you questions like that if you were the star of a movie?”
“Yeah, well. If you’re going to start calling yourself the ‘star’ of my film, then I think I need to rethink the whole thing!” They both laughed. Casey found Brian funny, although he never said anything she didn’t already know. “Besides, aren’t we supposed to be focusing on my class right now? We don’t have much time before I take the midterm.”
“Fine, fine,” Brian acquiesced. He waved his arm to get the bartender’s attention, and when he came over ordered another round. While they waited, Casey turned back to Brian and said, “let’s talk about what part you’ll be playing in my film.”
The look on Brian’s face showed his approval of Casey’s eagerness.
“Since you are starring in my movie, I’d like you to have a prominent role – maybe the lead villain or a major ally who is sympathetic to the main character but working against her goals?”
Brian nodded.
“So it has to be a significant part. But because we are doing an allegory with women’s experiences as a metaphor, the audience isn’t going to understand your true place in the story until the final act.”
Brian narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
“Basically, they won’t know you’re the true love interest and hero until the very end, when the heroine decides that you are a better choice than the villain.”
“Huh,” Brian commented without much conviction. “Are you sure you need this guy in your movie?” Lisa asked. “He doesn’t sound too helpful right now.”
Casey glanced back and forth between her friend and her tutor, unsure of how to respond.
Lisa shrugged, and offered Casey a sip of her beer before suggesting, “let’s talk about something less boring!”
Casey nodded happily at that suggestion. They spent the rest of the night joking and laughing without talking about their classes or future careers. It was wonderful for them to reconnect and just enjoy each other’s company.
Eventually a lull came up in the conversation while they were eating and Casey’s mind wandered back to her studies.
“Are you still struggling with that film class? Feminist Film Studies? Do you think you’re going to pass it?” Lisa asked, oblivious to the fact that Casey had just been thinking about her class.
“Oh yeah, I’m doing pretty well these days,” Casey admitted modestly. She didn’t feel like getting into her success with the subliminal program in front of Brian, and since he hadn’t said anything she assumed Lisa wasn’t supposed to know. “I mean, I still have two weeks until finals to figure it all out, right?”
“Right!” Lisa confirmed. “Two weeks until you have to make a movie with Mr. Tuxedo! You’ll ace your film classes and graduate, and everyone will forget this whole thing ever happened! You probably won’t even remember it when it’s done. You’ll look at that tuxedo as just part of some strange dream you once had.”
Casey laughed loudly at the reference to her bet, but couldn’t shake a creeping feeling of dread.
After several rounds of drinks, the women finally got up and made their way toward the exit.
“Hey Brian!” Lisa shouted. He sat alone in one of the booths near where the ladies were walking by.
Casey stopped dead in her tracks. She was so focused on studying – or on her makeup or the weird feeling about her bet with Brian – that she never saw him arrive. Her eyes met his, and she felt paralyzed under his gaze.
“Hey,” Brian responded awkwardly. He stood up to give Lisa a hug, then offered Casey his hand.
She stared blankly at his hand for a second before shaking it. When their hands parted, she found her lips moving but no words coming out.
“Are you feeling ok?” Brian asked gently as he pulled her into a hug. “You don’t seem like yourself right now.”
He held Casey closer than she would have liked, but he released her after a couple seconds. He sat back down in his booth and nodded to an empty spot opposite him.
Lisa and Casey exchanged a glance, then sat down in the booth. The three talked for a few minutes. Lisa did most of the talking and Casey found that her thoughts kept slipping away from her while she talked to Brian. When she tried to bring something up that was bothering her, she suddenly couldn’t quite grasp what it was or what it was about.
They moved onto lighter subjects. Eventually their table became crowded with drinks, and the conversation turned to gossip. Casey was the center of attention – her recent behavior was new and odd enough to be interesting. But mostly they wanted to hear how her project for Professor Baxter’s class was going.
“It’s coming along great!” Casey exclaimed, eager to share. “I’m so glad I ran into Brian because I could never figure this shit out on my own.”
Casey went on to detail how the two had met when Amanda set them up at the bar. Her friends listened with rapt attention. Most were somewhat familiar with Amanda – after all, she did sleep with most of the male half of their friend group – but Brian seemed much less known than Amanda had led them to believe.
Brian looked annoyed by this discussion, but didn’t offer any protest. Casey went on, sharing the details of his supposed academic success and their arrangement regarding her film project. She was about to share how well his learning program was working when she noticed Lisa, Kristina, and Jessica exchanging glances.
“What?” Casey asked anxiously. “Do you think he’s lying about something? Or that he’ll try something?”
“Well…” Jessica responded, looking a little embarrassed. “We actually know a girl that dated him for a while.”
“Amber?” Lisa chimed in. “Right?”
Jessica nodded. “She said he was really good looking. I can tell you that part is true,” she giggled nervously as her eyes darted between Brian and Casey.
Casey turned red at the sudden attention. “He’s just my TA! He’s not dating me or anything.”
Kristina giggled into her cup. “But do you want him to be?”
Casey started blushing furiously and stammering denials. Her friends started giggling again before cutting her off.
“Casey, we don’t care if he’s your TA,” Jessica explained.
Lisa agreed. “Yeah. We know that there’s some bad apples like Professor Baxter out there, but Amanda has done great with most of the guys she knows, and most of our friends seem fine.”
“Wait, are you saying…”
“What’s his name? Brian?” Jessica cut her off again.
“And how about this new look of yours?” Lisa interjected. “What was his first name again?”
Casey’s blush became even deeper than it had been before. “This wasn’t him! I think this is me.”
“It is kinda hot,” Kristina remarked. “If someone offered to pay my way through school…”
Jessica giggled. “We all know that he’s only interested in one thing. And it isn’t his academic prowess.”
The girls burst into fits of laughter as they shared the joke. Casey was confused by how funny they thought this was. When they settled down Jessica added, “I heard Professor Baxter say something about making sure to grade her papers carefully because if she failed she’d become a prostitute or something.”
Casey blushed furiously. She wanted to believe that such accusations were completely unfair. It felt wrong for so many reasons. But now that Jessica had said it, and made it real, the idea was starting to grow on her. Her heart fluttered as she imagined taking Brian up on his offer from the night she had begged for help. Would he want to use her services now?
The girls’ conversation drifted towards school and upcoming events. Casey tried to pay attention and participate, but she found herself too distracted by the memory of Brian’s bulging arms and tight ass.
“So, Case… is there anyone you have your eye on?” Kristina asked, interrupting Casey’s thoughts of Brian.
“What? No! Why would you ask that?”
Kristina laughed. “You’re wearing makeup! You never wear makeup. You wouldn’t have made the effort unless you wanted someone to see it. Who is it?”
Casey shook her head. “I already said no!”
The girls burst into peals of laughter again before Jessica teased, “so you do have someone in mind! Who is it?”
Their teasing caused Casey to blush furiously.
“Oh! That must be the guy I saw earlier tonight, out in the hallway,” Lisa said while looking into her drink thoughtfully. “He looked nice…”
Jessica swiveled toward Lisa. “Nice? Was he cute? Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”
Lisa shrugged and rolled her eyes. “I don’t know. He’s tall, with black hair and tan skin, and… muscular. He was wearing shorts, and his arms were covered in tattoos. But it didn’t seem like the kind of bar where guys like him would hang out.”
Casey looked away, hoping her face wasn’t as red as it felt. She could hear the blood pounding in her ears and she could feel a flutter in her stomach that made her uneasy. She wondered if this guy was one of Brian’s friends, but she knew Lisa would have asked.
“You should bring him next time,” Jessica suggested. “We could get to know him for you before you decide to go on any dates!”
“No,” Lisa laughed uncomfortably. “He was pretty creepy.”
Casey looked back to see her friend giving her an uncomfortable look. The unease in Lisa’s tone caused a flicker of dread in Casey’s gut. Why hadn’t she warned her roommate about Brian and his friends?
“You’re so pretty!” Kristina chimed in, “you’ll be the center of attention whenever he shows up! You won’t need us then!”
Lisa shook her head quickly. “He’s definitely not going to come. And even if he did, he’d only have eyes for her.” She pointed at Casey.
A blush rose to Casey’s cheeks as Lisa recounted her first encounter with Brian. When she mentioned his comment about her dress, Kristina and Jessica immediately turned their attention toward Casey.
“I’ve never seen you wear a skirt before tonight. Do you want Brian to come by tonight and see you in a dress?” Jessie teased.
Casey rolled her eyes dramatically. “Like I’d ever go for that creep!”
The girls laughed together as the conversation moved to the hot frat boy at the bar buying drinks.
Brian arrived at her door fifteen minutes later than the time he had set, which irritated Casey but also gave her ample time to change. He looked annoyed when he opened the door, but the expression dropped from his face and he stared at her for several seconds before regaining his composure.
“Wow,” Brian said awkwardly. “You look… wow.”
Casey smiled slightly, feeling self-conscious. She knew that he wasn’t expecting her to get dressed up, and she wasn’t entirely sure why she did either. She hadn’t planned on doing so until she got home and found a note from her roommate that said she was going to visit some friends off campus.
After that it didn’t seem like any big deal. In fact, she figured if she were able to understand some feminist theories with the help of Brian’s program it stood to reason that putting on some makeup might also be made possible by listening to it. It seemed that Brian shared some of her reasoning.
“Thanks!” Casey responded, feeling flattered. “My professor makes me feel dowdy and old when I come to class wearing my usual clothes. I guess it got to me today.”
Brian nodded as he opened his laptop on their table. Casey took a seat next to him, which put them closer than she had ever willingly gotten to him before. “I can’t believe that you’re actually making sense of the course material after listening to it for less than two weeks,” he told her as his computer booted up. “What was confusing about your reading from yesterday?”
Casey found her mind suddenly empty. She could barely recall what her assignment had been, much less the specifics of what she had tried to read. The fog in her brain seemed especially pronounced and heavy while she tried to focus on anything that wasn’t the man in front of her.
As Brian turned his attention back to his laptop, she had an odd impulse to reach out and touch the side of his head with the palm of her hand, to push through his short, tidy haircut and grab him by the roots to make sure she had his full attention. He glanced back at her, but immediately returned to his screen without so much as a smile.
Brian started to narrate from the textbook as he entered something into his computer. Casey watched as he worked, trying to follow along with what he said. In no time at all Brian closed his computer and put it away. Casey felt slightly embarrassed at how little time he spent working with her, but knew he wouldn’t do it if he thought it was pointless.
Lisa finished off her drink. “Are you done with that book already?” she asked Casey.
Casey felt confused for a second – was she still on that subject? What had they been talking about? She shook her head, feeling groggy.
“Yeah, I guess,” Casey replied. “Not really though. I’ll go over it again later.”
“How come you weren’t like this when you were going to film school? When you got an A in English and everyone told you what an amazing director you were going to be one day you didn’t tell them, ‘actually there’s been some research indicating that male filmmakers are statistically less likely to earn praise for their films than female filmmakers,’ did you?”
Casey stared blankly at her friends words until a smile crept across her face. She giggled. “That’s hilarious.”
“What?” Lisa sounded alarmed.
“No no!” Casey quickly added, “I just mean… look, it’s like we were saying, if your movie was written by a man named John instead of a woman named Joanna, then people would react to it differently, right?”
Lisa frowned. “I thought that was the kind of shit you hated?”
Casey took a deep breath. “There’s this new thing called Critical Theory, and I’m thinking it could make really good movies even better. It can also make movies that suck into classics. So maybe I just need to think like a man named John instead of a girl named Casey every once in a while, just so I can do well in this one class?”
Lisa stared at her. “You are seriously weirding me out right now, Case.”
Casey let out an exasperated sigh. “Ok fine. How about this: I’ll show you what I’m talking about, and you just see if it doesn’t get easier for you to make sense of the course material, ok? And then we don’t have to talk about it again.”
Lisa looked skeptical. “Are you going to give me some special Feminist Film Studies textbook to read from? Will the words rearrange themselves for me like in Harry Potter so they’ll make sense?”
Casey grinned and pulled her phone from her pocket. She set it down on the bar and turned up the volume. Brian’s noise played quietly through the small device. After a few seconds Casey felt a warm feeling spread through her chest, almost as if the noise was resonating in her heart.
The effect wasn’t apparent on Lisa immediately, but after a moment her eyes went blank and her muscles relaxed. Lisa swayed a little on her stool, although she seemed stable enough seated at the bar.
“Did you hear that last bit?” Casey asked, pointing to the phone.
Lisa nodded without taking her eyes off the phone.
“It’s important,” Casey told her in a whisper. “Professor Baxter is wrong when she says women are treated like products or objects. We’re not just copies of each other that are interchangeable. All of these women are unique individuals who deserve to be valued and protected. There’s no excuse for rape.”
“Are you sure this subliminal stuff isn’t giving you any side-effects?” Lisa sounded worried.
“Positive! Actually, I kind of want to try it out on you! If it works on you, then maybe it’ll help you figure out that Feminist Film Studies project you have coming up. If you still think you need it by the end of the week, give me a call and we’ll figure it out.”
Lisa gave Casey a funny look but agreed to hear her out. After they finished their drinks they both went home, but Casey felt good. She had a new sense of purpose now, and she felt a strange attraction to Brian, even though he was so masculine. For some reason the idea of working with him felt exciting.
She knew it couldn’t just be his handsome face. It wasn’t like her at all to develop a crush on someone who seemed so unlikely.
She was surprised when Brian sent her a message saying that he wanted to meet earlier than they’d originally planned.
Her stomach tingled. Her fingers felt slightly numb as she typed back, “ok!”
“Hello there,” Brian greeted Casey cheerily. He looked her up and down with a smile on his face. “You seem happy today.”
“What are you doing here?” Casey asked, looking around.
“Amanda said you were having trouble with Professor Baxter’s course. I figured you could use some moral support.” He took a seat next to her.
Casey’s shoulders relaxed – she hadn’t realized until then how tense they were. She smiled at Brian with relief. “I guess I need this more than I thought. I’ve never had a professor try to fail me before.”
“Is it the short film? Do you still want to use Aliens and Kill Bill as your inspiration?”
Casey frowned. “I’d love to make my own film and show women like us how to be bad-ass, but we’ll need an alternative to the patriarchal norms. Is that too much to ask?”
“So you need help, huh?” Casey nodded sheepishly. “You need to be less afraid of who you are. You’re smart, pretty, ambitious – you could get whatever you want from life if you weren’t afraid to fight for it.”
Lisa seemed about to continue when two attractive guys walked into the bar. When Lisa spotted them she grabbed Casey and announced, “we’ve gotta go right now! I’m sorry, Casey, but I don’t think we can hang out tonight.”
They both got up to leave before Casey had time to protest. She watched sadly as Lisa abandoned their drinks at the table to follow her new acquaintances to the dance floor.
Casey didn’t feel like going home just yet, so she picked up her drink and moved to a table near the entrance of the bar. She didn’t see anyone she knew nearby. Most of the girls around her were there in groups or pairs, all of them dressed more appealingly than Casey was. They looked happy and energetic while she felt tired and uninvited.
A tall guy with dark brown hair approached Casey hesitantly. “Hey, I’m sorry if this is weird,” he began, “but your eye shadow looks really good. Do you know how to do other makeup stuff?”
“What? No!” Casey snapped back at him.
The boy flinched and seemed about to walk away when Casey relented. “That’s ok. Actually, I could use a favor.”
The boy smiled shyly, but said nothing.
“How would you like to be in a film?”
The two walked out of the bar together. The night air felt refreshing and cool after being in the hot, crowded room. They chatted amicably while they waited for his car to pick them up. Casey felt comfortable around Lisa – the girl made it easy to open up and let your guard down. She found it easy to tell Lisa how much she respected Brian for wanting to make something for her, how much he cared about getting things right, even when he was working against the grain. How he had told her to trust him and let him guide her. He didn’t think women were stupid and weak, despite everything she had ever heard from men. He wasn’t afraid to show his emotions or admit that he had a needy side. She trusted him in a way that she had never trusted anyone else.
“And he’s cute too, right?” Lisa asked, nudging Casey with her elbow.
“He’s beautiful! He’s got a great body, and really nice eyes. He’s almost perfect.” Casey replied with a dreamy look in her eyes.
“But he’s… well, kind of controlling, isn’t he?” Lisa questioned, her tone less jovial now. “I mean, he made you listen to those tapes so you’d make a movie that was right for him. That seems pretty controlling to me.”
“What are you talking about? Why would that bother me?” Casey replied, laughing as if she were shocked at the notion. She felt confused – part of her was disturbed by Lisa’s suggestion while another part seemed to agree with it whole-heartedly. The conflict left her feeling shaken.
Lisa leaned back against the wall of the booth they were sharing. “Nevermind,” she said casually, and took a sip from her drink.
The awkwardness in the air was tangible. They both ordered new drinks, and Lisa changed the subject to her dating life. She began regaling Casey with an amusing story about how she had run into a boy she used to know.
“So he takes a look at my tits and says ‘you grew up!’ Can you believe it? I mean, what do I say to that?”
Casey giggled at first, then she really started to laugh. It felt so natural and so right! Lisa told her story with enthusiasm and excitement. It made her smile to think that a man noticed her figure in a way that wasn’t intimidating or threatening. Lisa was so lucky that she could find that flattering instead of disturbing.
When they had finished laughing Casey realized how much fun she was having. She hadn’t laughed like that in too long – probably since she’d started taking Feminist Film Studies. That professor just ruined everything – even laughing! And talking with her friends, and meeting cute boys…
“Hey, I need a refill before we start another round. Want anything?”
“Surprise me,” Lisa replied. Casey smiled broadly as she excused herself from the table.
Brian was leaning on the bar when she arrived. She walked up next to him and bumped him with her hip playfully. He returned her smile, though he looked more serious.
“Can I get two vodka-cranberries please?” Casey asked the bartender after she got Brian’s attention. “You made it!” She said to him brightly.
“I told you I would be here,” he replied. “But first: are you ok? You seem a little distracted.”
“Do I?” She responded innocently.
“Casey, there’s something off about you tonight. If there were any problems…”
“Relax. No problems here. In fact, everything is great.” Casey took a sip of her cocktail as the two girls laughed.
That night Casey got to thinking about men. She lay in her bed while staring at the ceiling above, replaying conversations and exchanges in her head. Something didn’t feel quite right – it almost felt like her interactions with men were tinged with some kind of fear or loathing. She wondered if it was misdirected shame.
She realized that part of her problem with men was that her mom never had anything positive to say about them. She always treated men as untrustworthy, selfish, or stupid. The more Casey thought about it the more she realized that this perception colored everything about how she treated men and even how she viewed herself. She remembered all the times that she acted shy or nervous around men when she wanted to appear friendly or sexy – it was a natural response she couldn’t overcome no matter how hard she tried.
She found herself masturbating as she contemplated all of this. It dawned on her that there was only one man that her mother ever expressed appreciation for, and that man was Casey’s dad. She thought of the first time he brought her to his office after work, and introduced her to some of the people that he worked with. She started to rub herself faster and harder as she recalled how they were all really nice to her. She remembered the guy that gave her candy, and the older secretary that let her color with crayons in her desk drawer. Even the security guard that told her she had to leave the building because Dad had already gone home seemed perfectly reasonable at the time, instead of frightening.
She pictured Brian’s face as she came to a gentle orgasm. She imagined his body on top of hers while she touched herself. She thought about what he might look like naked, and the kind of penis he might have. The thoughts caused an intense physical reaction. It took her breath away and made her toes curl. She thought about going down on him and licking him and making him come for her.
Casey looked at the clock and cursed loudly as she jumped out of bed. She was almost late to meet him, and she hadn’t even changed out of her clothes.
As Casey made her way to the meeting place, she considered the way her mind seemed to wander from time to time. She could hardly call them side effects if they helped her make sense of difficult material. After all, isn’t the goal of higher education to expand your world view and give you new insights? Isn’t that why Brian’s program was proving so effective?
Casey arrived at a dingy cafe. She was disappointed that Brian was nowhere to be found. She sent him a text asking if he was coming, but his only response was to confirm the time. She ordered a drink and sat down to wait for him.
It was almost an hour later when Brian finally arrived. His shirt was stained and wrinkled. He had bags under his eyes that matched hers.
“Are you ok?” She asked as he walked towards her. “You look tired.”
“Yeah,” he shrugged it off. “Just some personal issues, nothing too serious. But hey! It looks like my program is working pretty well! What did you think about how your professor talked about commodification in class?”
The question seemed odd to Casey, since she hadn’t spoken to him yet about how she was progressing. Maybe he read her email after their phone conversation. Regardless, the question struck something inside of Casey’s head. A wave of thoughts poured over her all at once.
Women are interchangeable under patriarchy because patriarchy turns them into units to be bought and sold and exchanged through marriage and reproductive rights. Marriage is a form of economic exchange – an imbalanced exchange at that. Women are traded in marriage not only for resources (like livestock or dowries) but also as forms of tribute between powerful men. Reproductive rights are an extension of these economic forces. They treat women as disposable and replaceable because we can be replaced through economics. Sexual violence against women is the ultimate symbolic assertion of masculine power, especially when it asserts superiority over other men by taking their women or by coercive reproduction.
The thought occurred to Casey in a complete form as if it had come from outside of her own mind. She blinked, and wondered what part of Brian’s program might have generated such a thought.
Casey noticed Lisa staring at her blankly as she collected her thoughts. “Sorry, I…”
“You totally checked out! Like someone hit pause on your brain,” Lisa responded. “What exactly have you been listening to?”
“Just… nothing. It’s probably the alcohol!” Casey tried to deflect Lisa’s concern, but she saw that Lisa’s gaze was unfocused and distracted, even though she kept staring right at Casey.
Casey felt dizzy for a moment, then shook her head to clear the feeling away. She looked back up at Lisa, who also seemed to shake off a strange feeling. “So what were you saying? What were we talking about?”
“Nothing! Nothing at all,” Casey said quickly. “What’s new with you?”
As they resumed chatting, Casey noticed Lisa couldn’t seem to keep herself from looking around the room at every group of men they could see. As she looked from person to person her eyes always darted down, and almost always landed on their crotch area.
Casey frowned, wondering why this behavior was happening. Before long her mind started to wonder where men got the idea that they deserved women to look at their package like that. And if that was their desire, what would happen if it came true? Casey wondered what kind of world it would be if a bunch of straight guys got to cum into oblivion whenever their cocks were looked at by a woman?
Casey shook her head to try to clear it. Why was her brain going there?
She realized that Brian’s program must also include some content about gender dynamics because he told her so in their first meeting. He must be encoding his own understanding of the world through the MP3 player too.
Lisa returned from her latest trip to the ladies’ room. “Let’s go dance!” she suggested excitedly as she pulled on Casey’s arm. They found themselves surrounded by several college-aged men with pints of beer in hand, bouncing in time with the music. Casey was uncomfortable with the attention she was getting from these young guys – why had she chosen to wear eye makeup if not to get noticed? Wasn’t that patriarchal?
Before she could stop it, her mind spun through a set of ideas. Yes, Casey knew how important feminism was in protecting women from harassment and violence from men who felt entitled to access to their bodies, but why did so much feminist writing seem to be about the problems women might face without feminism? What about all of the advantages that women got with feminism? Wasn’t that just as harmful to women?
She imagined an ideal future, one where every boy had sex before he was eighteen and every girl waited until twenty or beyond to start thinking about being involved with a man. One where every woman was safe and secure and happy while every man felt desperate for her love and affection.
Why shouldn’t every woman feel as safe and respected as she could, rather than trying to make every man as scared and lonely and confused as possible? Couldn’t both sexes be happier together if they treated each other well? Why not a world where a woman could feel sexy and still be loved and protected, instead of a world where sexualized women are considered trash?
As quickly as it came, the thought receded into the ether of Casey’s mind. She was left feeling excited about this new idea, but without any clear understanding of why or how.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized to Lisa, “my mind is kinda spinning right now. I don’t know where that came from.”
Lisa shook her head, then flagged down the server to get another drink.
They made their way to the dance floor. Despite being tipsy, Casey felt nervous dancing. She was too self-conscious and awkward. It felt strange to enjoy the music without drinking much or even flirting with boys.
A particularly confident boy made his approach while Casey was alone at the bar, getting her water while Lisa found the restroom. He was pretty: taller than Casey, with dark skin and an angular face, bright eyes and an infectious smile. His arms were slender and he danced like he enjoyed it.
“Is your friend single?” he asked as soon as the introduction was over.
“What? Which friend?”
He nodded toward where Lisa was dancing. “Her.”
“Uh, yeah,” Casey replied as she started to walk back towards the dance floor, eager to rejoin the group so this guy would stop talking to her.
She didn’t like men, she realized. She thought that women who wanted to date men must be secretly in love with men themselves, but she had never actually considered how much of her own distaste might be because of those social cues she took from other women. Maybe if she understood why she disliked them as a group, she would get along better with individual men.
Maybe she would get along better with this one if he’d stop asking questions about her “brainwashing”. It wasn’t brainwashing, it was just a type of learning. Casey realized she liked learning, and wanted to do more of it.
Casey decided she wanted this guy to ask her to dance. She felt like there was no harm in having him put his hands around her hips. He seemed to like her ass when she gave him a slow spin while dancing with the group, so she knew he liked what he saw. She couldn’t imagine letting him touch any further, though. Maybe later she’d like a long, hard kiss or even something more, but for now she was content to let him look.
“It’s fine, Lisa! Stop worrying about it!” Casey laughed and spun around, enjoying the attention from two guys. She smiled and giggled at them, letting them touch her and buy her drinks. She danced with each of them in turn, sometimes with one of their hands on her waist or her hip while she twirled. She felt sexy in a way she never had before. It wasn’t sexual, exactly, although it was very sensual.
She found herself attracted to them in an intellectual way. She enjoyed the mental stimulation that they provided. The men weren’t quite as interesting as some of the girls from her film class. They lacked the creativity and insight into how society functioned. They lacked the ability to apply theory to reality. On the other hand, these men were smart in their own ways.
After spending most of the night dancing with the boys, she decided she wanted to kiss one of them. Her eyes wandered over the pair of guys until she settled on the man who hadn’t had the nerve to put his hands around her. With no hesitation she walked up to him, put one hand around his neck, then leaned in and kissed him deeply on the mouth.
His lips pressed against hers and his arms instinctively wrapped around her hips as he pulled her close to him. She broke the kiss, leaving a wet spot on his lip as he slowly released her.
Casey took one final glance back as she walked out the door, blowing kisses at the handsome boy who’d held her so tightly.
As soon as she was out of the club Casey’s high spirits plummeted.
“What the fuck?” she wondered aloud.
She touched her hand to her lip where there still seemed to be a remnant of saliva left. She felt violated somehow, which only made her more confused. Her cheeks were still flush, but not with desire.
“Why would I even do that?!”
Casey started walking home in a haze. Had she been hypnotized? That was impossible. No one can just hypnotize people with a kiss unless they’re the villain in some kind of comic book. Besides, she knew how subliminal programming worked. You had to listen to it for hours and hours.
Her mind returned to Brian. She wondered what kind of game he thought he was playing with her. His voice echoed in her ears as the sounds from the MP3 player seemed to overtake her thoughts. Casey walked faster, wanting nothing more than to get away from whatever his plan was.
She stumbled into her apartment building, then hesitated before climbing up the stairs. She wanted to go back out, get drunk, find someone else – anyone else! She considered going to Lisa’s apartment, or maybe she could go out alone and meet a random stranger who would take her home and help her forget about this. She shook her head and forced herself to take the stairs.
When she finally turned the MP3 player off, Casey still felt weird in her own skin. The program stopped broadcasting messages to her conscious mind, but there was still an echo of the instructions in the back of her head.
Her conscious mind may not have listened, but the sound triggered responses in her autonomic nervous system. Her heartbeat increased and sweat formed on her brow. Her fingers tingled as the blood rushed from them, and she found her hands shaking. She could feel her breathing getting shallower and quicker. She felt anxious, vulnerable, afraid.
Casey went into the bathroom to wash her face. Her eyes seemed wrong to her as they looked back through the reflection. Everything about her looked off somehow. The dark circles under her eyes stood out sharply, the bags underneath made it look like she hadn’t slept for days, and her lips lacked color. Even her pale skin looked paler than normal.
“This is bullshit,” Casey told her reflection. She leaned over and opened a drawer, and started digging through it. She found her tube of lipstick and reapplied it to her lips, making them fuller and livelier looking. She started putting on more eye makeup. It wasn’t perfect, but after a few minutes she was satisfied.
When Casey returned to the table, Lisa stared at her open mouthed.
“Better?” she asked sheepishly.
“So much better!” Lisa reassured her.
They spent the rest of the evening gossiping and drinking until Lisa declared it time to get home and get ready for work.
Casey felt weirdly anxious about meeting with Brian. Not only had he given her the program that helped her understand the Feminist Film Studies course she needed to pass, but he also promised to help her with another film project for the class. She wasn’t sure why, but she found herself wanting to look nice for him.
Casey dressed quickly, throwing on an old t-shirt that fit comfortably enough to allow her range of motion. The shorts she threw on were cutoffs from the bottom of an old pair of jeans she never wore anymore. She kept them around for jogging – when they started fitting too tight or too baggy she could throw them away without missing anything in her wardrobe. They hung down midway past her ass cheeks, so they weren’t indecent, but they didn’t completely cover the curve of her butt when she bent over.
She considered changing into a thong instead of the full panties she wore under her shorts, then immediately brushed off the idea as silly. Even though they didn’t cover her completely, these shorts covered enough that it was perfectly reasonable to wear regular underwear. She looked through the few pairs of shoes she had before settling on an old pair of flip flops that would go with her outfit.
Casey grabbed the MP3 player and walked to Brian’s studio. He shared the space with several other artists who lived near each other. She waited impatiently outside of his apartment until he buzzed her up.
“What’s the occasion?” Brian greeted her after he opened the door. He looked her over appraisingly as she walked inside.
“Oh! Nothing. Just hanging out at home. Don’t want to get any more dressed up than this!”
She felt uncomfortable. Something about the way Brian was looking at her made her feel vulnerable and exposed. She crossed her arms and turned away from him, and noticed a small framed photograph on one of the shelves in the living room.
The man in the photo had a broad smile, but was unattractive despite the kindness in his eyes and the strength in his features. Next to him was a stunning blonde, and behind them was a young girl with curly brown hair. A family. The girl looked about twelve years old.
“It’s nice that you keep pictures of your sister around,” Casey remarked.
Brian glanced over toward where she was pointing and shrugged non-committedly. Casey wasn’t sure if he hadn’t heard her or didn’t care, so she asked another question, “did she live here with you when you were both single?”
Brian gave her an annoyed look and didn’t say anything.
Casey frowned back at him. “Are you alright, Bri? You seem… different.”
“Nothing is wrong, and my name isn’t ‘Bri’. It’s ‘Brian’.”
Casey nodded and dropped the subject.
When Brian walked into her apartment he seemed taller and broader than before. Or maybe his shoulders were more square – or was it the way he carried himself? He had on a faded black t-shirt that looked tight around his biceps, and blue jeans that hugged him close enough to display the definition of his butt and the bulge of his cock.
Something about the sight of Brian’s package made Casey uncomfortable. Or excited. She wasn’t sure.
“Nice place,” Brian greeted her. “It must cost an arm and leg for both of you to live here in town.”
“Thanks!” Casey replied, suddenly realizing how small and cluttered her apartment must seem. “Well, my roommate can afford a big share of it, so…” She felt foolish about making excuses as soon as she said it.
Brian shrugged, either genuinely disinterested or being polite. “So where is your MP3 player?”
“On my desk over there,” Casey gestured vaguely across the room. She was starting to feel self-conscious about the lack of tidiness in her room as well. She had never before cared what anyone else thought about how she kept things, but now…
“Do you mind if I have a listen?” Brian asked.
“Not at all,” Casey responded automatically. “But shouldn’t we talk about the film we’ll be doing together first? How much does it cost to shoot on campus?”
“No,” Brian responded. “I don’t care what you do for your assignment as long as I get to be in it.”
“Oh,” Casey said with disappointment.
“If you’ll just excuse me for a minute or two, I’d like to check on my work to see how you’re doing.” Brian stood from his seat before Casey could protest. He leaned over toward her ear and whispered “and I’d like to check that there aren’t any… unexpected side effects.”
Brian placed a hand on the small of Casey’s back as he moved past her and through the door. His hand felt hotter than she expected. A tingle went down her spine. She looked over at Lisa. Her friend raised an eyebrow suggestively and gave Casey a knowing grin. Casey blushed and finished off her drink.
Brian returned a few minutes later. Casey jumped at the chance to order him a drink and ran toward the bartender to escape Lisa’s suggestive expression. The alcohol warmed her, and seemed to give her enough liquid courage to return to the table.
Casey returned to the table with three drinks on a tray: her beer, Lisa’s rum and coke, and a large glass of water for Brian.
“That’s sweet of you, Casey,” Brian said sarcastically, “but I can buy my own drink.”
“Oh, no, it’s fine!” Casey replied earnestly. “Besides, your stuff is non-alcoholic, so it’s less expensive too!”
Brian gave an indifferent shrug as he sipped his lemon water. Casey took a large drink from her beer and then started in on her cocktail. Her head swam with thoughts as she watched Brian check out the girls at the bar and nearby tables. He looked good tonight. He was fit but not bulky, and clean shaven. His brown hair was wavy and short. He wore a black button down shirt tucked into faded blue jeans held up by an unintentionally retro leather belt.
“Well, I think I should get home soon,” Lisa announced as she polished off the last of her drink. “It’s a school night, you know. You want a lift?”
Casey shook her head, “not yet. We still need to talk about some business.”
“Alright, but don’t stay out too late. We have a class presentation in the morning.”
“See you later!” Casey waved goodbye as Lisa walked away.
Once the two were alone, Casey turned to Brian and asked “so, what did you think?”
“I’d buy. But I need something more. You know how to act like you’re into me? Do it better.”
Casey rolled her eyes. “I’m sorry about my friend Lisa. She doesn’t understand why I need your help. Anyway, yes, I’ll try harder. What do you want me to do tonight?”
Brian stood up from his seat. He walked behind Casey and gently ran his hands across her shoulders and down her upper arms. The sensation sent tingles through her body. Brian leaned in closer until she could feel his hot breath against the back of her neck. He let go of her arm, and used his hand to push her chin around so he could kiss her.
The first kiss was gentle but brief, and then Brian bit at her lower lip. She opened her mouth to gasp and he thrust his tongue against her teeth. Casey felt weak as Brian dominated her in their second kiss. She knew she was getting wet under his attention and touch, but couldn’t think well enough to figure out how to tell him that.
Brian stopped kissing Casey suddenly, and she gasped for air when he pulled away from her.
“Ok, that will suffice,” Brian announced with a smirk. “We can talk specifics after you pass this class. Until then keep working hard at your learning!”
Casey watched in astonishment as Brian sauntered out of the bar.
Lisa leaned in and asked, “you sure you’re not just being hypnotized or something? Or maybe drugged?”
Casey nodded, unable to muster a response. She wondered if she should listen to her MP3 player now, instead of only at night.
“You got a hot date?” Her roommate teased her later that evening when she caught Casey checking herself out in the bathroom mirror.
“What?” Casey blurted. “No, not yet. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, you’re so modest. You look fantastic! I like this new look for you!”
“Thanks,” Casey’s reply was quieter than usual as she tried to parse the compliment. When they went through puberty, Casey had always been taller and curvier than her roommate. At first it had made them a little competitive. Lisa started dying her hair platinum blonde, and that became part of their dynamic. After graduation she went back to natural colors. Casey kept her hair black, but wore it in a bun most of the time.
The differences had mostly been superficial, but now there was something about Lisa that made her feel inferior in spite of their differences being insignificant. She wanted to ask her how much makeup she usually wore, but feared that the answer would dishearten her.
She wondered how it seemed like Lisa was flirting with Brian even though she didn’t even want him doing her film for her class. It wasn’t fair that girls could use their sexuality however they wanted – it put pressure on women to act sexy, but also let men get away with treating them like they were sluts when they did so. Men only seemed to judge women, not themselves. Casey took a sip of beer to cover for her inability to respond to Lisa’s question.
“Anyway,” Casey said at last, “I was just curious what it would be like if I dressed up and did my hair and makeup for a date tonight. You know?”
“You haven’t dated since senior year, have you?” Lisa asked with concern. “Are you ok? Have you been seeing someone and haven’t told me about it?”
“No! No no!” Casey replied quickly. “I guess it’s been so long since I went out socially I wanted to dress up and make an impression.”
“Well, if anyone could use a nice guy you could,” Lisa teased, gently punching Casey’s arm.
“That reminds me,” Casey exclaimed as she jumped from her stool. “I’m supposed to meet Brian for dinner tonight to discuss our arrangement. I need to get going.”
Lisa stared at Casey. “Who the hell is Brian? Since when are you meeting strange guys alone for dinner? That doesn’t sound safe.”
Casey put her hands up and took a step back, feeling defensive. “Relax! He’s not some crazy rapist or anything like that! He’s my neighbor. You know, that geek you hit on the first day we moved in here? Tall and skinny with glasses?”
“Oh! Him!” A dreamy smile came over Lisa. “Are you two…?”
Casey’s hand shot up in a dismissive wave. “No, no… not at all. I mean… not yet? I’m working on it, and tonight I asked him out to meet me at the bar so we can start planning this movie I’m going to do as a favor to him.”
“He’s into movies?”
“I guess. He says he wants to write scripts for video games.”
Lisa frowned.
“Well anyway,” Casey continued, “I think I’ve got an excuse to hang out with him and show off my new look, get his attention, you know? It would be kind of pathetic to go talk to a guy when I haven’t worn makeup in months. But now we can talk about movies!”
Lisa nodded approvingly.
“I’m going to take a page from your book and try to get to know him. You know, see what happens. Maybe I’ll finally have something other than studying and work to occupy me for a while.”
Lisa smiled warmly and held up her glass in a toast. The girls drank their beer in silence before going back to talking about trivial topics like friends, classes, and their future plans for the coming weekend.
“What’s the name of this place?” Casey asked as Brian led her into a diner.
“The Greasy Spoon,” Brian responded. “Why? Is there something wrong?”
“No!” Casey replied. She looked around the brightly lit place and noted the cheerful ambience. There weren’t any menus on the table. A waitress brought two tall glasses of water and poured some from a pitcher.
Brian nodded at her to indicate it was ok to drink, and so she did. “You’re paying,” he reminded her. She blushed and nodded in agreement.
“Are you meeting a boy?” Lisa asked. Her voice sounded harsh to Casey, as if it cut through the background noise in her head.
“He’s a guy who lives on our floor,” Brian answered before Casey could formulate an answer. “We met when Casey moved in, and I was helping him with his homework in return for favors. So here we are. You must be the roommate, right?”
“I’ve seen you around,” Lisa said coldly. “The geek who was always checking Casey out? And now you’re hanging out together? What does she have to do for you in exchange for this little favor?”
Brian turned to Casey, clearly expecting her to defend him. The fog seemed to clear from her mind when she looked at him. His face was so perfect, his smile so radiant, and he had eyes that went all the way into her soul.
She knew she wanted him, but she didn’t know how to say it.
“What are we talking about again?” Casey asked weakly.
Brian looked disappointed in her, and Casey immediately felt ashamed of herself. Her desire to please him suddenly seemed all-consuming.
“We were talking about your movie. About how it reflects on male power and patriarchy, how it reinforces social norms.”
“Right, right.” Casey bit her lip. “That’s a really cool concept.”
Brian nodded, waiting for her to continue.
“But why is a movie any better if it’s made by women than if it’s made by men?”
“Uh… because women understand women. And they’re interested in making films with strong female characters,” Brian replied, although he sounded confused by his own response.
“No they’re not!” Lisa shot back. “Have you ever seen Mean Girls? That film doesn’t have strong female characters – Regina George may have some good qualities, but she isn’t particularly admirable or worth emulating. Neither are Cady or Gretchen.”
“Well sure, I guess,” Casey conceded. “I think they wanted us to feel bad for them rather than identify with them or strive to be like them.”
“Exactly!” Lisa exclaimed. “We need movies that aren’t just about weak white girls and their problems with boys. We need films by women who aren’t trying to convince themselves that men are their equals. They shouldn’t have to try so hard to be taken seriously.”
Casey paused when Lisa finished to let that sink in.
“And I still stand by what I said: the male gaze is bullshit!”
Casey shook her head. “No, it’s not,” she replied slowly and firmly. “It’s not bullshit. Sure, male writers and directors tell stories about how they want women to be, and yes, most of those films do feature strong male protagonists. But even if men only write stories that interest them, that doesn’t make it the male gaze.”
“Yes, it does!” Lisa insisted. “Men don’t know how we women feel, so all of their films are written from the perspective of their own point of view!”
“Well that’s dumb,” Casey said flatly. “Just because some women are uncomfortable watching films about women through a man’s eyes doesn’t mean that there aren’t enough good films for women to see our experiences portrayed accurately and effectively. Not every woman is like you. Most of us aren’t angry all the time.”
“You don’t have to be angry to believe that men can’t portray women convincingly on their own.”
“So that’s why the feminist movement has been making so much progress? Because men can’t write well about women and so we need them out of the way?”
Lisa shook her head angrily. “I thought you were starting to get it. I can’t believe you still think that feminists want men gone – that’s just sexism! Men are useful. We can make whatever art or film or games or whatever the hell we want, but women shouldn’t rely on men to tell our stories for us!”
Casey frowned. She wasn’t sure that was right, but she didn’t want to let her anger show. Not when she was wearing makeup. Anger wasn’t attractive. She wondered if that was a result of patriarchy. She wondered how it felt for some woman – was it possible to feel like you didn’t need men in order to define your self worth? Casey couldn’t imagine feeling confident without an audience to perform for, an audience composed almost entirely of men.
“Well, thanks for being supportive,” Casey said with forced sincerity.
“You know,” Lisa commented, “you used to be pretty cool. Before you took that class.”
“Oh fuck off! It’s just a fucking class! Maybe the professor is annoying, and maybe a few students are dicks. You have classes like that too. Do you blame the class? Or do you blame the students and teachers who ruin it? Why aren’t you pissed at them instead of me?”
Lisa’s lips tightened. “That’s not fair. Besides, I told you about this teacher a bunch of times before you signed up for the class. Why’d you sign up anyway?”
Casey shook her head. “Fuck this noise, I’m going home. I’m not staying here while you bitch at me for being myself.”
Lisa frowned after her as Casey stood up, picked up her bag, and left.
When Casey got home she pulled out her makeup kit again. She tried on different styles of eyeshadow and lipstick, even trying an exaggerated clown face look that made her laugh at her own absurd appearance in the mirror.
She wanted to find a look that made her happy. It was difficult – she felt like so much of her life she had done what others expected of her, instead of simply finding her own style. Her mother had dressed her how she thought proper girls should dress, her peers at school and in college had pushed each other towards more revealing and provocative looks, and then there were social media apps where her followers would tell her what to wear.
For now she didn’t care about anyone else’s expectations, she only cared about what she wanted. Eventually she settled on a muted blue shade of eye shadow, a black mascara, and a dark red lipstick.
“There you are!” Casey shouted in excitement at her reflection, feeling liberated and empowered by her new look. “I want you to meet Brian when he comes over tomorrow,” she continued with a grin.
The woman in the mirror looked shocked and worried. That was silly, wasn’t it? Why would she be worried? Brian seemed like a nice enough guy. Casey brushed off the nagging doubt as nothing more than the usual nerves a girl feels when meeting someone for the first time.
- The Programmer
“Good news everyone!” Amanda exclaimed at dinner the following Friday. “Brian is coming to visit tomorrow! You all know him, right?”
Her roommates nodded. A few glanced at Casey, who only stared down into her soup.
“He’s going to bring my new program with him,” Amanda continued. “So you’ll all get your chance to try out his work in person!”
“Oh,” one of the roommates responded, “I think I need to wash my hair tomorrow, maybe we can try it next weekend instead.”
“No, no!” Brian insisted. “You should all experience what I made as soon as possible. Tomorrow night sounds perfect to me! I’ll come by around seven-thirty.”
When Brian arrived the five roommates were ready for him, each taking a seat on the couch and chairs while he hooked up his laptop to the TV. He clicked a button to begin, then sat down. The group watched as the first image showed up on the screen. It was a woman’s naked foot, covered in high heels. Then the screen flashed, but too fast for anyone to actually see what was happening. A few seconds later the camera zoomed out to show two women’s feet wearing high heels, their legs wrapped around each others’ hips and locked at the ankle. The camera slowly panned up to show a pair of bare breasts – one smaller set capped by brown nipples pressed against a larger, freckled pair with pale pink tips. A moment later they saw the face of Professor Baxter looking right into the camera, an annoyed sneer on her lips, as the picture faded to black.
There was a nervous murmur from the ladies seated in the living room, and Casey felt an apprehensive tingle in her spine. Was this Brian’s idea of “helping” her pass her Feminist Film Studies class? He had seemed nice, but his actions so far didn’t lend themselves to supporting that view of him.
Brian clicked another button to start a second film. A naked woman’s body walked up to the camera and turned around to display her bare ass before she slowly sat down, spreading her cheeks to reveal a butt plug between them.
The screen went dark and a third image appeared on the screen. Casey felt like she was watching a live-action parody of Disney movies – several men dressed in tights with long hair wearing helmets and chain mail stood before a throne while a shirtless man stood at their feet. The men bowed when they saw the man on the throne, then started fighting each other for his attention. One by one the fighters were defeated until only two men remained.
“Who is stronger?” The shirtless man demanded of the survivors. “Who deserves to be my champion?”
“I do!” One of the men proclaimed loudly. He swung his sword and knocked aside his opponent’s weapon. With his left hand he grabbed his opponent by the crotch, giving it a gentle squeeze before lifting him off his feet and throwing him to the floor. “You will be my prize tonight,” he announced as he pulled a large strapon out of his pocket.
“No!” The other man protested. “Not without preparation. You must prepare me first if you wish me to enjoy myself as much as you will.”
“Fine,” the winner snarled through gritted teeth, clearly annoyed at being denied his immediate pleasure. He knelt behind his newfound lover, spreading the man’s cheeks with both hands and plunging his face into the crevice between them.
For several minutes the winner ate the ass presented to him, his tongue flicking in and out as spit dribbled down his chin and coated the asshole before him. Finally he stood, spat into his hand, and rubbed his saliva onto his newly formed erection. The man still stood bent over in front of him.
“Please sir, fuck me. Make me your slave forever. I need your cock so bad it hurts. Use my body.”
The winner grunted, pushed the man forward to get a better angle, and thrust his massive manhood all the way into the man’s tight hole until their balls touched each other.
“This is the scene you were talking about?” Brian asked incredulously.
Casey nodded enthusiastically from the driver seat. “Isn’t it perfect? You see the big guy right there as the victor? He fights hard and proves that he’s the strongest. That’s why he gets the prize!”
Brian rolled his eyes. “This is such trash. This video is going to ruin our reputation.”
“No way! This film will open us up to new audiences! Think of the money we’ll make!”
Brian laughed loudly at Casey. “You can’t make money by putting out bad content! This video won’t do well or sell copies. Our name will get associated with garbage and we’ll lose credibility!”
Casey stuck out her tongue and turned away. “Well if you hate it so much you shouldn’t have agreed to star in it.”
“I didn’t think you were actually going to produce this garbage! I thought you were making something that would let you pass that feminazi class of yours. I thought I was helping you!”
Brian moved in front of Casey and pulled off the strapon she was wearing.
“What are you doing?” Casey hissed at him.
Brian rolled his eyes. “Stop messing around, this is your movie, remember? You were saying: ‘I’ve tried to break free, but patriarchy keeps me down. If I could only get off this fucking ship then I’d know what freedom tastes like!’ or something.”
Casey frowned but resumed her scene.
“Help me escape so I can live free! We must get into one of these pods!” She pleaded as she pulled at one of the small circular doors.
Brian opened the door and stepped aside. “We must leave now before the Queen hatches her brood.” He said. “Please enter.”
“The pod is for one person only!” Casey complained. “This wouldn’t work if there was no patriarchy insisting that women must subjugate their identities and become subservient to men. That’s what that door is about! It’s about patriarchy.”
“Yes ma’am, and thank you,” Brian said.
“Ok, ready?” Lisa asked her friends. They were shooting an independent video – their first try at a zombie movie. They were just filming Casey reacting to finding Brian trapped in the pod they were using as prop decor.
Brian nodded his head. “Yes.” He pressed the button to close the pod door and trap Casey in with him. She looked up at him from her kneeling position in front of the seat in the pod.
“This is your idea of a patriarchal power fantasy?” Casey asked angrily. “What am I doing here? Are we going to…” She looked away for a moment in disgust. “…copulate now that we’re in this stupid thing together?”
Brian sighed. “Look, I thought the concept made sense, but when you read the description it was hard to see how the writer intended us to end up here. How did they make us so desperate for sex that we were willing to screw while our ship exploded?”
“Ugh! They just had to say: ‘and the woman jumped into the pod with the man’ and we could assume we wanted to screw. What’s wrong with this guy?” Casey complained. “It’s always about fucking guys – no matter who wrote it, why do you get to fuck everyone and women just get fucked?”
Brian rubbed his forehead in frustration. He reached down to unbuckle the strapon from around Casey’s waist. The two of them stood in front of each other still wearing little else.
“You’re right,” Brian agreed. “It’s bullshit.”
“Maybe we should just jump out of the pod and get ourselves blown up now before we fuck. End on that instead.”
Brian frowned at the suggestion. “No. No, I want to figure this out. This isn’t some 50 Shades shit where he tells us what to do. He has an actual fetish, he needs to actually dominate us, and we need to fight back.”
“But how will we make that work?” Casey asked.
“There are dozens of ways he could force himself on you,” Lisa suggested. “He’s probably got handcuffs, or rope, or zip ties, or something similar around here somewhere.”
“That works,” Brian agreed.
Lisa nodded and continued, “in fact he seems like he might keep stuff like that on hand just to torture you two.”
“I bet he keeps condoms on hand too,” Casey added with a smile, “since we need them so much.”
The girls giggled as Brian blushed and rubbed the back of his neck.
“You think Brian is a slut?” Lisa asked.
“He fucks enough sluts for us to assume he’d want some pussy every once in a while,” Casey laughed.
Brian’s face went red as the girls howled at his expense. He crossed his arms in front of himself and mumbled something under his breath.
The girls calmed down.
“So who does the trick work on anyway? Is it just hot girls?” Casey teased.
“He probably needs to have sex with them, or he loses them,” Lisa guessed.
“I didn’t think of that when I wrote it, but yeah, that sounds about right,” Brian grumbled. “But look – it’s working now. You’re willing to sleep with me now.”
“No way,” Lisa laughed. “I don’t see you as a sex object. That’s gotta be against some kind of ethical standard, right? Besides, your trick only works if a girl wants to screw a guy in the first place. You’d still have a 50/50 chance, even if it worked.”
“Maybe. It seems like she should want to a lot more once I’m done with her. In fact…”
Brian pulled his phone from his pocket and brought up a web browser. He typed a quick search command and found exactly what he was looking for. He put the phone back in his pocket and looked up to meet Casey’s eyes. They both stood with their arms crossed and leaned back away from each other.
Casey couldn’t say why, but something about Brian seemed threatening. “Look, I don’t care about any of that shit anymore. And neither do you.”
Brian shrugged in response, which felt like a win to Casey. “So, where are we going to start your film?”
Casey shook her head. “Actually, I need you for some research. You can talk to me later about the film after I get through this fucking class. You’re still ok starring in my film, right? Just tell me what kinds of girl movies you want to see and I’ll try to figure something out.”
Brian didn’t look entirely pleased by this change in plans, but he nodded his assent. “Research? What kind of research?”
“The kind that will get us into a theater full of girls in three months. I’m not interested in making art movies or films that will make women seem as strong and complex as men.” She smiled at Brian, “we’ll worry about real artistic integrity later.”
A wicked smile crossed Brian’s lips. He licked them slowly as he stared at Casey. “Do you wanna come back to my place? I want to get you out of that baggy hoodie.”
“Wow, down boy,” Casey responded with a laugh. She felt like Brian should feel guilty or at least ashamed, but he seemed entirely unembarrassed. “I don’t even know what you look like under your hoodie! If you wanna go to yours so we can screw around in private, fine, but it better be because you want to be with me, and not just because you think my boobs are nice or something.”
“Your boobs are fucking fantastic,” Brian responded with a grin and a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.
Casey playfully pushed against Brian’s shoulder and giggled. After a brief pause she sighed, “if we go back to your apartment will you take off that stupid hoodie?”
“Of course!” Brian promised, extending his arm for her to hold. “Come with me princess!”
He led her out of the bar and towards his building. Along the way they passed an alleyway where men and women were pressed against the wall, moaning as they fucked each other passionately. Casey thought that if they wanted sex that badly they could go inside to find privacy, but she didn’t say anything. The sight aroused her, so instead of speaking she turned into Brian, wrapping her free hand around his neck and pressing herself against him.
Brian held Casey tight as they walked, feeling the warmth of her body through her flimsy black dress. He loved seeing her wear clothes that fit her figure and showed off her beautiful features. For most of their relationship he’d seen her either naked or dressed only in a baggy tshirt and sweatpants. He had to admit that seeing her change her fashion to show off her curves more made her seem hotter.
Casey smiled coyly at Brian as they entered his apartment. She let his arm go so he could close the door, and she sat down on the couch to wait for him. When she saw how much time and effort he put into getting the lights and music right she giggled. It was nice to see him put in the extra effort.
He started talking to her and she felt herself melting under his powerful gaze. She knew that soon she would be naked. That always seemed to happen when she was with Brian. Her boyfriend had such a commanding presence that she rarely questioned him.
She knew that the changes to her wardrobe were for him. She knew that putting in makeup was also for him. Even changing her style of makeup was for him. Not everything she did was to please Brian, but enough was. More than she wanted to admit.
“Is this for me? Are you doing this all for me?” He asked her now.
Casey looked down, afraid of what the answer might be. Afraid of what it should be.
Brian grabbed a handful of her hair and used it to pull her head back towards him. Her blue eyes were wide as he examined her face from different angles. “Yes. It is for you. For us,” she told him.
He released his grip so she could take his hard cock into her mouth. The familiar taste and musky scent brought her a measure of comfort. Brian relaxed into the couch and watched her expert technique. Her black hair hung loose around her head and moved with the motion of her bobbing mouth. He loved seeing her with makeup; she didn’t often wear it and always looked beautiful with her natural look, but she looked especially striking with smokey grey eyeshadow and blood red lips wrapped tight around his thick shaft.
She stroked his dick with her small hand while her soft lips teased the sensitive tip of his glans. His hand found the back of her head again and applied a gentle pressure, forcing himself deeper into her throat. She resisted his insistence until he gave her hair a firm tug. Then, with her eyes watering from the pain of his forceful hold on her long locks, she began to move up and down with greater urgency.
Casey gagged on his cock as she took him in to the base, then allowed herself to catch her breath when she pulled her head back. She paused every time his mushroom-shaped helmet hit the back of her mouth, giving it a moment to slide into her throat. Her other hand reached up to tease his heavy balls while her lips met his body at the bottom of each stroke. She pressed forward until he entered her throat, then slid up to catch her breath before doing it again.
With both hands on either side of her face he started fucking her mouth like a pussy, sliding his massive cock in and out of her wet throat. Drool covered her chin and ran down her neck onto her perky tits, but Brian didn’t relent or slow his rhythm. She coughed and gagged around him but never stopped meeting his hips with her open mouth and welcoming throat. When he finally exploded he held himself deep inside her, pressing his pelvis against her face so hard that her nose bent awkwardly against his body.
Her blue eyes opened wide with panic. He felt the first convulsion of her throat as she choked on his load. He released his grip on her and his dick slid out of her mouth, coated in her drool. She gasped for air while ropes of sticky cum streaked across her pretty face. His last drops landed on her parted lips, coating them in their thick viscosity.
“Well?” Casey asked expectantly.
“Yeah…” Lisa answered, shaking her head to break the trance she found herself in. “I guess that makes sense. But what does it have to do with makeup?”
“That was a great blowjob,” Brian commended. “You did well.”
Casey wiped the back of her hand across her mouth, smearing cum across her cheek. “I don’t know. It just… it seemed right? I knew it was the right thing to do.”
“That’s because I told you so when I was programming the subliminal commands into you,” he responded matter-of-factly.
“But I don’t see why… wait… subliminal? You said…” Casey stopped and swallowed the lump in her throat. She stared at Brian with wide eyes full of fear. “What have you done to me?”
“Calm down, calm down,” he said as he pulled his pants back on. “I can explain. There never were any subliminal learning programs, I made those up.”
“But… but why?” Casey’s voice trailed off weakly. Her hands started pulling her clothes back on.
“I didn’t know you very well at first. Amanda said she recommended me to a hot chick who was willing to fuck me for help with an assignment, but what if she was crazy, or if I wasn’t going to like her?”
“But… no… I’m not…” Casey shook her head slowly. “This isn’t right! It’s not fair!”
Brian laughed. “So much for feminist solidarity and all that crap. If your fellow students were really supportive of each other, they’d have helped you without judging you.”
“You don’t understand…” Casey said quietly as tears began to well up in her eyes.
Brian grabbed Casey by the chin and forced her to look up into his eyes. His fingers gripped her jaw tightly. She was so startled by his strength that she couldn’t muster any resistance.
“No, you don’t understand, Casey,” Brian hissed at her. “This is your fantasy: to be a hot bitch who only has one skill. You aren’t good for much of anything else. Your purpose in life is to spread your legs, get fucked, and film it for horny guys to jerk off to. But that’s ok, because you love your job. You can’t imagine being happier than making my fucking wet dream come true. Got that?”
“Y- yes, sir,” she stammered. Her body trembled in his grasp. He released her chin roughly and sat back down on the couch next to her. He crossed one leg over the other, folded his hands and waited expectantly for her to continue.
Casey sat on the floor looking up at him. Her mind raced, struggling to make sense of the confusing words he’d said to her. She remembered how she got here, and how much she hated it, but she felt too scared and vulnerable to fight it anymore. Her mind had started to reorient around these new priorities, and she needed some way to explain away everything she was suddenly doing against her will. She needed the explanation he had provided for her.
Casey shifted around, then got into a kneeling position, facing Brian. “M-my purpose in life is to spread my legs, get fucked, and film it for horny guys like you to jerk off to. But that’s ok, because it makes me really happy to make your fantasies come true.”
“I can’t imagine being happier than making this happen,” she continued automatically as if she had lost control of the words coming out of her mouth. “There’s nothing else I’d rather do than submit to men like you. I want nothing more than to give myself to you physically, and even surrender my beliefs. I need this so bad.”
“I’m going to use my submissive sexuality to please dominant men, and you’re the most dominant man I’ve ever met,” Casey continued without consciously directing her words. “I’m so thankful you agreed to fuck me and cum on camera. This is everything I could possibly want. You’re everything I’ve been dreaming about. Please take my pussy, ass, and throat all you want.”
Brian stood up and moved closer to Casey. His jeans were tented where his cock pressed against them. He unbuckled his belt and unfastened his pants. Then he grabbed the collar of her shirt, pulled, and the cheap fabric tore apart exposing her plain gray bra.
“Mmf!” Casey exclaimed through a ball gag as Brian pulled her down roughly by her hair.
Brian’s thick cock slid past her lips and deep into her mouth. As the cameras around them captured her image from every angle, Casey sucked contentedly on it like it was a pacifier, savoring the taste and texture of Brian’s prick in her mouth.
Casey didn’t recognize Brian until Lisa asked about her “white noise generator”. When he told her why he made it and how it worked, and described what it would make her do to herself when she listened to it, the reality of the situation sank into her consciousness like a heavy rock landing at the bottom of a river.
Brian explained how his mind control program was written to work with a film, so she wouldn’t fully submit unless he put her into the mental state the hypnosis program intended. She couldn’t say or write anything that would compromise him – if she tried her tongue or hands would go numb. He explained how she would come back later and help him recruit women for their new business venture.
When he finished talking he took out the earbuds that were controlling Casey’s mind and handed them to Lisa, who put them into her ears without understanding. Her eyes glazed over and the color drained from her face. Casey recognized her blank expression because she knew what it was like to have that vacant look in her eye while her mind filled with the strange, muddled sound.
Brian ordered both of his submissives to strip down and bend over the table so he could take turns fucking them in their pussies and their asses. He took pictures of them in positions and combinations he preferred, so he could replay them whenever he wanted. He came inside of Lisa and made her lick him clean before he moved on to Casey. When he had emptied both of his loads inside of Casey, he gave each girl an anal plug that was too big for her tiny body to push out. He gave them each a pill to swallow, and when the pill started to activate he told them to leave.
Casey went home with her legs slick, wearing only her t-shirt and sweatpants which did little to contain her massive, firm tits. They jiggled with every step, swaying under her shirt.
Her phone was on silent, but its bright light flashed as she walked by. She felt a strange mix of emotions at the message Brian had sent her:
‘Lisa is on the bus heading back. Get dressed however you want, or not, but wait a few minutes before you go get on the same bus. If you meet her on your way to the bar there’ll be a serious penalty.’
Casey knew that meant Brian would punish her if anyone noticed they got on and off the bus together. It wasn’t a real punishment since he never did anything worse than slap or pinch her, and he never denied her orgasms for longer than a day even at his most frustrated. He always insisted it was something important, that people were counting on him to make the world a better place, and that he couldn’t do that if the wrong people were watching them.
She knew how badly she wanted to graduate on time. That mattered more to her than the vague feeling she sometimes had about Brian, and the strange, uneasy feelings his emails and demands left her with. Casey looked down at herself – her plain hoodie and plain jeans with worn out spots in the knee. She remembered what he liked and how she needed to make sure people like him were happy with her. It felt weirdly easy to do what she needed to do. She could almost hear music playing as she made her choice: she changed out of her usual clothes and put on the sluttier outfit that was tucked into the bottom of her bag.
There was a text waiting for her when she finished getting dressed. ‘Head out.’
Casey left without putting any makeup on, and headed toward the nearest bar. There was already a cab waiting for her out front. The driver dropped her off at the club without saying much of anything. It was busy, but Casey found her way to the table in the back without any trouble. She felt self-conscious when she saw the group of men watching her approach. She knew she looked slutty, and the attention she got didn’t seem entirely approving. Still, they seemed satisfied when she reached them.
“Hi guys,” Casey offered with a nervous smile.
The men stood up to greet her, although they hardly looked happy to see her.
“So… what happens now?” Casey asked.
One of the men handed her an envelope. “I’ve written down what you’re going to need for the film we’re making.”
Casey looked at the items: lube, two bottles of alcohol, three dildos (large), rope, two ball gags, vibrator, blindfold. “How am I going to get these things without my roommates or anyone seeing?” she wondered aloud.
Brian chuckled. “Come on, babe, you’ll figure it out.”
Casey nodded sheepishly. She hated asking for his help, but there wasn’t much choice. Besides, after spending so much time working with him recently she had come to depend on Brian’s help with school, and to a certain degree even with basic tasks around her apartment. She felt uncomfortable if he wasn’t around. She also found it strangely enjoyable when he was close enough to touch or if he brushed against her accidentally-on purpose.
“Maybe put them in your laundry,” Brian suggested.
Casey sighed and started packing up everything. Before they parted she felt drawn back to him, and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. “Thanks again for all the help with Professor Baxter and class. I really appreciate it.”
When Casey leaned in to kiss Brian on the cheek, he surprised her by turning at the last moment to meet her lips.
Brian had only done minor editing on Casey so far, and mostly tweaked aspects of her physical appearance. Her hair was darker, and he toned down her eye color from icy blue to a more grayish pale green. The changes were subtle enough that no one else had commented on them yet, including Lisa or any of her other roommates. He gave Casey’s tits a bit of a boost – nothing radical, but enough to notice their round firmness under the loose sweater she liked to wear when it was cold out. She had great legs already, and Brian had taken care that the curve of her ass was pronounced even underneath her oversized jeans. Her figure looked slightly different in makeup, which suited Brian fine. He hoped that once she felt confident about how she looked she would make more use of her sex appeal.
But what he was most pleased with was Casey’s confidence. Brian wanted to build on what Casey naturally had inside her to begin with. So when her lips met his he let her set the pace, and waited for her tongue to start exploring before he made any moves. Her breathing was shallow, almost panicked, so he reached one hand up to caress her neck, gently guiding her body until their kiss fell into an easy rhythm. His other hand rested lightly against her side. Casey pressed her body against his, as if searching for comfort, and he slowly stroked her curves as they kissed.
It went on longer than Brian expected. Longer than Casey intended to let it go, certainly. He could feel her tense up each time she caught herself giving in too much. Each time she came back to him again he could hear her mind tell her, “no! Bad girl!” But she couldn’t help herself.
When they finally pulled apart she stammered and blushed, avoiding his eyes and hurrying off to get a drink. When she looked at him again she still seemed self conscious. Casey kept looking away, but when Brian started talking about school she found it easier to focus her attention back on him. Soon she was listening intently as he explained aspects of the work he was doing.
“Do you understand all of that?” Casey asked with wide eyes after an especially technical explanation.
Brian nodded. “We’ve been using the computer to teach humans how to interact with robots for years now. It’s like training a dog – you can take over the central nervous system of a simple brain to program it, or you can take over higher brain functions to guide a complicated mind.”
The conversation continued as they drank, becoming more relaxed and comfortable together. Casey listened carefully, finding that she understood most of what Brian was saying. She would interject with questions when she was confused, which didn’t happen nearly as frequently as she thought it might.
She found her attraction to Brian growing over the course of the evening. At first she put the fluttering in her stomach and her frequent blushing down to nerves and a little alcohol, but as Brian spoke and the drinks helped them relax, she grew increasingly attracted to him.
Eventually Lisa had to leave because she had a morning class the next day. Casey wasn’t sure whether to feel disappointed or excited when she left, and soon made her excuses to leave as well.
“That’s great work, Casey,” Brian commented as he walked her home. “How long before you take the exam?”
Casey smiled. Her eyes dropped downward bashfully when she caught herself staring at him, trying to will him to kiss her.
“Um… probably another two weeks,” she answered as nonchalantly as she could manage. “You did say I didn’t have to wait until after graduation.”
“I did?” He asked.
Casey tried to look up through her lashes at him, feeling nervous that he might not find her attractive anymore. She bit her lip without thinking, wondering why she was so suddenly attracted to this boy.
When Brian stopped and turned to face her, it surprised Casey. He placed a hand behind her neck, drawing her nearer to him. Casey let herself melt into his strong embrace as their lips met.
She felt almost like an observer rather than a participant in the act. Her hands snaked around his torso, pulling them tight against each other. A quiet moan escaped from between her lips, sounding both strange and exciting to her.
Brian pushed her up against the wall of an alley, their hot breath intermingling as their kiss grew more aggressive. His body pressed up against hers, leaving no space between them. One of his hands came to rest on her thigh, just below her short skirt.
His tongue thrust itself into her mouth. Casey returned the kiss with equal intensity. Her knees were growing weak and she didn’t know what she wanted, she only knew that she didn’t want this moment to end. She let out a sigh when he pulled away from her and took a step back.
“How’d it go?” He asked breathlessly.
“How’d what go? The film?” Casey tried to catch her own breath, surprised at her feelings of disappointment.
“Yeah, tell me about the movie you picked.”
“Oh!” Casey felt foolish for misunderstanding his question, and struggled to regain her composure. “Professor Baxter said we have to watch it every night until we present our assignment to class. I’ve watched it already but we should watch it together.”
Lisa shrugged non-committally.
Casey pulled out her MP3 player and turned the speaker setting to low as she searched through her email for Brian’s recommendation. She didn’t know if she would like it or not, but he said the professor would be excited to talk about it, and that made her feel reassured.
As she looked through her phone Casey could almost detect something in the noise from the speakers. She kept hearing a familiar voice in there, a voice that wasn’t one of the usual voices, but one that she knew very well. She dismissed it – she’d probably misheard.
“Do you hear that?” Lisa asked. She craned her head to listen closer.
“Is it my background sounds? Here, let me change to another playlist.”
Lisa shrugged, and the two friends started talking again. Casey listened intently and tried to participate, but her mind kept wandering. She tried to keep an open mind, but she felt nervous every time the professor quoted an article written by another woman. When he quoted Mignon Fogel or Betty Friedan or Gloria Steinem he used their terms freely without even acknowledging that those were women he was quoting. Yet when he cited a male theorist or critic, even if there were dozens of others of the same opinion, he mentioned their gender.
Casey could feel anger rising in her chest at her Professor for his unfair bias against women. She wondered if every other student in the class realized it, and only she and perhaps a few other girls would speak up when the professor failed to grade fairly. She wondered if her short film about Brian’s movie would fail. She could try something else, like Amanda had said – maybe make a video about sexual harassment in academia. Then she wouldn’t have to rely on the good will of such a misogynist.
She tried to take a sip from her drink, but it was empty. She ordered another round for herself and Lisa. The bartender brought over two beers while they laughed together, but as Casey looked closer she saw that they were serving her water instead of beer.
“Excuse me? This is water!”
The bartender shook his head. “No honey, that’s beer.”
Casey was sure it wasn’t. She smelled it, but she couldn’t detect any alcohol. When she tasted it she didn’t find anything wrong with it, except for the taste of bitter hops.
“But why’s it bubbly?”
“Beats me.” The bartender shrugged and walked away.
Casey sipped at her watery beer, feeling very confused.
Lisa seemed oblivious to her friend’s troubles. “So tell me about this guy you’ve been spending time with.”
“Oh! Brian! Yeah, he’s…” Casey trailed off as she tried to describe Brian without being rude. “He’s a senior grad student. He’s really smart, and he wants to help me pass my feminism class by helping me understand some of the harder stuff. I’m really grateful!”
“That’s weird. So is that why you’re wearing makeup tonight? Is he here?”
“No. Well, he might stop by later, but no.” Casey laughed. “Brian’s hot! If I wanted to make an impression on him I’d be more likely to wear less makeup than more.”
Lisa raised her eyebrow, looking skeptical again.
“What?”
“Nothing! Just… the white noise has been driving me nuts all week!” Lisa complained.
“What do you mean? Isn’t it quiet?” Casey asked in a confused tone.
“It sounds like someone talking when there’s only a bunch of different conversations at once.”
“It does?” Casey asked in genuine surprise. “I don’t hear that, it just sounds like noise to me.”
Lisa shook her head, but she didn’t argue further. After a few drinks she seemed to have put it from her mind. They talked about Lisa’s boyfriend and classes, and about a hundred other topics. Casey told her that she was excited because the MP3 player Brian made for her was finally making progress, and she might be able to pass the Feminist Film Studies course and graduate on time. Lisa responded that if Professor Baxter’s class was ruining film for her, she would be better off dropping it, or just waiting a year to graduate.
Casey nodded, then explained that she was just going to finish the course work as soon as she could. The less classes she had to take, the sooner she could get out in the real world and start trying to make films.
“You do realize that you’d still be better off dropping this Feminist Film class, right? Even if you can pass it, you’ll probably be stuck taking summer classes and graduating next spring.”
Lisa’s comments gave Casey pause. She hadn’t thought of it that way. When Brian said that she should take him in the class with her to meet some hot girls, she had just assumed that he knew something she didn’t know – she assumed he thought she’d have a lot of fun with all the girls in the class.
Why else would someone say something like that? Brian obviously knew Casey wasn’t attracted to girls. He must know that most of the girls weren’t either. The only ones who were were… oh.
“Are you ok, Casey?” Lisa asked in concern. “You’re looking a little flushed.”
“What? Oh, no, I’m fine!” Casey shook her head and took a deep breath. “I guess maybe Brian just thinks Feminist Film Studies might open me up to some new experiences?”
Casey felt embarrassed making excuses. That Brian wanted to hit on the girls in her class seemed almost predatory now that she considered it. She felt so dumb for not seeing his true intentions when she first started listening. She tried to convince herself that Brian wasn’t forcing her to do anything she wouldn’t have done on her own. She told herself that he had only offered to help because he had recognized her lack of confidence, and this was just a way for him to support her.
“This sounds crazy! Even for you,” Lisa argued. “Just sayin’, if there’s something wrong…”
“Don’t worry!” Casey insisted. She didn’t feel worried, and couldn’t pinpoint why Lisa might feel concerned for her. The thought made her angry. “I’m fine, just fine,” she continued. “Maybe better than fine.”
Lisa seemed uncomfortable with Casey’s response. She changed the subject. They talked about inconsequential matters while they drank. Then Lisa started talking about a new guy she was interested in. It seemed like she was fishing for compliments, so Casey gave them to her. When they went out together in the past, the women would often hit on each other when they were inebriated enough and single enough.
The idea seemed odd to Casey now. She still found Lisa attractive – she felt an unspoken connection that was comfortable and intimate. If anything, Casey liked that relationship better than what it could be if they started dating. And the idea of hitting on someone else’s girlfriend… how crass! What could possibly compel anyone to do such a thing?
Later, as the two drunk women exited the bar arm in arm, Casey asked Lisa to describe what it was about Brian that attracted her. It sounded a lot like all the other reasons Lisa dated men, although Casey suspected that Lisa didn’t really know why she did the things that she did. Casey had never questioned her attraction to men, and now that she thought about it she couldn’t explain it either.
The two stumbled into Casey’s apartment and got into bed together. They held each other under the sheets.
“You look beautiful without makeup,” Casey told Lisa before falling asleep. She heard Lisa chuckle but didn’t wake up enough to question it.
The next morning Lisa woke up early, left before Casey was awake, and returned before noon with take-out.
“What are you still doing in bed?” She yelled at her lazy roommate.
Casey sat up slowly. She saw that Lisa’s eyes were on the MP3 player she kept on her night stand.
“Oh! Is that what I think it is?” Lisa asked suspiciously.
“Yes!” Casey snapped. “I’m taking your advice and getting ahead of things instead of cramming everything at the last minute!”
“But it looks so… old school,” Lisa remarked.
Casey was going to get angry, but realized that Lisa was right. Casey wondered how Brian had known to give her an MP3 player when no one else made them anymore. No one except weird old men who wore trench coats.
The thought bothered Casey enough to push away her excitement and take a more careful look at her situation. In the back of her mind she started to wonder what Brian was doing to her. She tried to tell herself it was just because he was male, and she was supposed to be wary of men in general as long as patriarchy existed.
It should have been enough to keep Casey from feeling nervous about her meeting later in the week, but it wasn’t. She couldn’t help feeling apprehensive as she got ready.
She picked out her favorite outfit: a short dress that fit well around her hips and emphasized her bust without being too provocative. She found a necklace that complemented the color, and applied a moderate amount of makeup. When she was done getting dressed and checking her appearance in the mirror she thought that she looked pretty good.
It occurred to her that dressing like this – wearing something form-fitting that showed off her features – was a lot closer to what her professor would call “appropriating heteronormativity”. This style made her stand out as sexual and appealing to men, and she did so only for her own benefit instead of some greater feminist cause. In the past she would have thought of this kind of decision as a sign that she was buying into patriarchy, or some such nonsense. Now she realized that she enjoyed the feeling of standing out. She liked looking good for herself and for others, and she felt less self-conscious while out in public wearing makeup than she had without it.
It was an empowering realization. It wasn’t quite what her professor had intended to teach, but that didn’t make it less true.
Casey arrived at Brian’s office on time, even though the building was on the other side of campus from her apartment. He invited her in and sat down opposite from her at his desk.
Brian looked over Casey approvingly. “I’m glad you could make it tonight. How’s the learning going?”
“Great! I really think that your program is helping a lot!”
He nodded slightly, seeming to accept the compliment. His eyes were on her breasts as she leaned forward, her elbows resting on his desk and her chin propped up on her hand. She smiled. She wasn’t used to being stared at, or appreciated. It made her feel good about herself.
She sat up straight and crossed her legs, feeling exposed. A second ago she was enjoying how much Brian wanted her body, but now she felt shy. Casey couldn’t decide if she should uncross her legs, or cross them again, or stand up and walk away.
In the end she stayed there, letting Brian stare at her. He reached out to her hand and placed his on top of hers. Her heart skipped a beat at the touch. He looked into her eyes and she smiled warmly at him. He pulled her hand towards himself, and she let him lead it along, then place it on his leg.
Casey’s face grew red as her hand moved down Brian’s leg. When she realized that he wanted her to feel his dick she gasped.
“You shouldn’t be doing this!” Casey pulled her hand away, then stood up, turning to look away from him.
Brian looked at the MP3 player sitting on his desk beside his laptop. “I’d like you to stop by my office tomorrow before you go to class,” he told her. “If you haven’t already.”
He picked up the device, which had gone dormant while he wasn’t touching it, and passed it back to her. Casey clutched the player protectively and put it in her pocket.
She glared at Brian as she stormed out of his office and headed to her evening lecture.
Her head was still foggy when she arrived at the classroom. She felt slow, almost hung over, even though she hadn’t been drinking last night. She slipped into the room and sat in the back corner, where she tried to pay attention to the presentation going on at the front of the room.
For whatever reason, everything Professor Baxter said seemed to be directed at Casey personally.
“…patriarchy objectifies women through hypersexualization. This is not to say that female sexuality doesn’t exist in every aspect of life…”
She knew the point was meant to contrast with some of the arguments made earlier in the course, but it rang false for her. She was sure that there were male dominated sports and jobs where sexualizing the players wasn’t appreciated. In fact, that must be true for women in male-dominated areas, because that’s how society treated them – as an aberration, an inferior version of the real thing. And the same happened with men in female dominated fields: if they weren’t sexualized, it was only because their feminity was still invisible enough to be unremarkable.
“…male gaze is reflected in the female form when patriarchal societies force women to serve as commodities for consumption by men. Patriarchal standards dictate ideal measurements that…”
This made even less sense. Of course everyone would like big tits and a round ass, Casey thought, so what’s wrong with that? Sure, there are a lot of porn actors who don’t actually look like that, but maybe that just shows how most men prefer bigger tits and bigger butts. Or… or maybe it’s showing that men aren’t just consumed with physical pleasure. There are other elements of the feminine experience that are important. That must be it! Because… well, because it can’t be that everyone wants a woman like Lisa.
Lisa wore a skin-tight black dress with thin straps across her back, and no bra underneath. The dress showed off her slender form, the curve of her waist, and the swell of her breasts. The hem stopped about five inches above her knee, and her high heels accentuated the lines of her calves. The fabric was soft and moved sensuously against her curves as she walked.
Lisa ordered a glass of wine, and leaned forward to give the bartender a view down the front of her dress as he poured it. He took a peek without appearing to do so. Casey had to admit that the whole display was kind of sleazy, but still enjoyable.
“I think I know what the problem is!” Casey told her friend excitedly. “When the book says ‘patriarchy’, it really means ‘the male gaze’. When it talks about ideals, it means a woman who is desirable to men. But when a man thinks something is sexy, it can be any ideal.”
“Ok, so like if I said ‘she looked like a slut’, then you could say ‘no she didn’t! A slut would be attractive.’ And because the patriarchy wants every woman to look like a slut, even women who aren’t dressed like sluts look like sluts by that definition,” Lisa offered.
“Yeah!” Casey replied enthusiastically, excited to hear someone else follow her thinking. “You get it! That’s why porn is ok for men, and not for women! Because there are as many ideals of women for men to compare them to, but only one ideal for women – the ideal of men.”
“Right, yeah. Makes sense to me,” Lisa responded. They lapsed into a thoughtful silence while the men in the bar ogled the pair of them.
They had found a booth that was somewhat shielded from the rest of the room. Still, they couldn’t help but notice men glancing at them, checking them out or openly staring.
The girls glanced around the bar to see how many men were looking at them. It seemed like every man in the room turned to look as they walked past. Casey felt uneasy, but at the same time she enjoyed the attention. A thrill ran up her spine, and she knew that she would have preened herself for their benefit if they had been in a quieter room.
They finished their drinks and Lisa went to get them refills. While she stood waiting, a man approached her.
“Let me buy you a drink,” he offered.
Casey couldn’t hear her over the sound of the crowd, but she saw the other girl roll her eyes as she looked the man over. His jeans were tight and his t-shirt was low enough to show off some of his chest. He was cute and looked like he spent too much time at the gym.
Casey’s roommate smiled when the guy put his arm around her waist, then gestured to the bartender to pay for the drinks. Lisa waved goodbye to Casey and walked away with the man. Casey noticed that Lisa seemed excited to leave with the handsome stranger. She didn’t even think about how the other girl felt uncomfortable in social settings before. Casey knew that this realization about her friend wasn’t from Brian’s program, it was something that she should have known on her own.
Something about Lisa walking off with the stranger nagged at the back of Casey’s mind. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but it left a bad taste in her mouth. Something felt wrong about how quickly Lisa went off with that man, but she couldn’t say why or what her friend might be getting herself into.
Casey ordered a drink, but the more she thought about it the less she wanted it. When it arrived she picked up her glass, then turned and walked out of the bar. Her feet led her towards Lisa’s apartment.
After fifteen minutes she was in front of Lisa’s building. A glance down the street revealed nothing unusual, so Casey made her way inside and started climbing the stairs. Halfway up to the third floor a door opened and closed below.
A moment later she heard footsteps on the stairs behind her. She glanced over the railing and saw the man from the bar jogging up. His face was flushed with exertion and his eyes looked cloudy. He seemed angry as he took the steps two at a time.
Casey quickened her pace to the upper floors and the man did the same. Her heart raced. She heard him breathing loudly as she turned into the third floor hallway, and then the stairwell door opened and closed once again. She rushed to the apartment where Lisa should have been, and when she didn’t see her friend outside she frantically tried the doorknob. It wasn’t locked; it flew open when Casey tried the handle.
“Hi Casey!” Lisa called out from the couch.
“There’s a guy! From the bar! He chased me up here!”
Lisa stood from the couch and approached her with concern written all over her face. “Chased you?”
Casey looked down the hall. The man from the bar, dressed differently but unmistakably him, stepped out of the stairwell and walked towards them. Lisa slammed the door shut and locked it.
“He tried to hurt you?”
“No!” Casey objected as she pulled out her phone. “Well, kinda, but… I should call the cops. Yeah, probably the cops.”
She started dialing the number on the screen. “Are you sure it’s him?” Lisa asked.
“What? Oh, no! No. It’s the wrong number. I guess I misdialed.”
Casey looked around the bar. The man sitting by himself, drinking his beer and watching something on his laptop, didn’t look familiar at all, so she dismissed her suspicion. But still… something about the situation felt suspicious.
“Should we go?” Lisa asked, following Casey’s gaze.
Casey looked at the clock on her phone. “Yeah, let’s head to your place.”
After they both paid for their drinks, Casey headed for the exit but stopped before she got there. A man stepped out of a nearby doorway, as if he were following her.
The man from the bar, Casey realized after a moment’s reflection.
She hurried to the exit and ran to Lisa’s building without looking back. Once again she had no idea if the man was behind her or not. When they reached the building’s elevator Casey found herself nervously peering down the hallway while they waited, as if the man could appear at any minute.
Lisa noticed Casey’s apprehension as they climbed the stairs. “You seem rattled. Did that guy bother you when you first got here? That would be so creepy.”
Casey opened her mouth to tell Lisa about the incident from before, and realized she couldn’t. Not because she was afraid to, but because… why couldn’t she tell Lisa about it?
When they made it to the door to the apartment, Casey let out a deep sigh of relief. The sight of Lisa’s smiling face filled Casey with gratitude – for her, for her kindness, for making her feel safe and protected. The girls fell into an embrace, both giggling in their heightened emotional state.
“I’m glad you’re ok,” Lisa told Casey, who only nodded in response.
“Me too. It was silly to think I’d be in danger anyway. This isn’t an old-school action movie. There’s no reason he should have known where I live.”
Lisa laughed, and so did Casey.
Casey looked around her room while she pulled off her shoes and socks, feeling at ease after having felt tense during class.
“Are you going to wear those again?”
Lisa was pointing to Casey’s slutty knee-high boots, the only sexy clothing items she owned. They were white and made from cheap shiny fake leather. Lisa knew why Casey owned them; she even knew who Casey bought them for, because he lived nearby and she sometimes ran into him.
Casey didn’t respond at first. She bit her lip, and wondered to herself if it would actually be hot if she wore them. She decided it probably wasn’t – not with her current ensemble of black baggy hoodie over black leggings and underwear with a cartoon character printed on the front.
She picked up a discarded pair of sweatpants and pulled those on. Her boots still looked out of place, but didn’t stand out as much now that they weren’t surrounded by drab colors. Casey considered switching back to her plain old flip-flops, then realized how hot it must be outside. She dug through a drawer until she found an unopened bottle of black nail polish. She painted her fingernails in under a minute, then pulled off her sweatpants so her boots could shine in their full glory again.
“And what the fuck was that?” Lisa demanded. She sounded more upset than Casey thought she had any right to be.
“You don’t understand,” Casey began. “The world is a lot bigger than you realize! I don’t just mean like there are other planets and stuff, but I mean that there’s this whole world of experience that you’re missing. Just because your understanding is narrow doesn’t mean there isn’t more to know!”
“No, I don’t think you get it.” Lisa stood up. “I think you’ve gotten in over your head, and something weird is going on. Do you want me to take you to the hospital? Or maybe I can get Brian to help you if this is a research thing?”
“No, everything is fine! Look at me – don’t I seem fine?”
“It doesn’t matter! You’re acting strange and talking like some weird cultist and it’s freaking me out. If you won’t go with me willingly I’ll fucking carry you there kicking and screaming!”
“No!” Casey insisted. “Just give me a chance to prove I’m ok! Look at my eyes, Lisa – what do you see?”
Lisa peered into Casey’s eyes. There was something that seemed wrong, but she wasn’t quite sure what it was.
“That’s right,” Casey urged. “They seem weird, but you can’t say exactly why or how.”
“Well yeah,” Lisa began to agree. “But it could be that you put too much shadow on one of your eyes. That wouldn’t surprise me if you just applied makeup for the first time without looking in a mirror.”
“There isn’t anything unusual about my eyes!” Casey insisted. She realized that Brian might have neglected to explain this feature of the program to her, although it didn’t sound intentional.
Lisa was still suspicious, so Casey kept talking, “that’s what subliminal learning is all about. You have to listen for a long time, and there has to be other stimulation while your subconscious mind learns the information. That’s why there are background noises and a little bit of extra stimuli encoded in the audio. It makes the effect stronger.”
“It still sounds like you’re fucking brainwashing yourself,” Lisa scoffed. She was almost joking, but not quite.
“I’m fine,” Casey explained patiently. “Everything’s fine.”
“And now you want me to wear this dumb slutty makeup to the bar because of something in your ‘subliminal’ audios?”
“It’ll be fun!” Casey urged. “I’m going to look at people tonight through a different lens.” She didn’t have the words to express that she had decided that she could judge the men and women in her life by a different standard than how society generally judged them. Instead she went back to something Lisa could understand. “And besides, the guys will love it. The sluttier we dress, the more the boys stare. And that means tips.”
Lisa chewed her lip, then laughed. “Sure! Why not!” She pulled out a tube of pinkish-red lipstick and passed it over to Casey, along with a compact mirror. Casey quickly applied it, then they headed into the bar together.
The night was already half over and the place was getting crowded, so most of the seats at the bar were filled. There were only two small tables available, one of which was occupied by a single man.
The girls walked past him and made their way to the bar, where they found another table that had just opened up.
“So are you really still planning to write movies when you graduate?” Lisa asked. “With this feminist shit and subliminal audio and everything, I’m starting to think that maybe you should go into political theory or something.”
“No,” Casey said quickly, “I still want to do what I love. Everything else is just making sure that I can achieve my goals.”
“Good! That’s important. You deserve to pursue your dreams.” Lisa looked around the room casually, then continued, “and you know who will help you do that? John there,” she inclined her head towards the single man sitting at his table, “he’s cute isn’t he?”
Casey shrugged noncommittally, avoiding making eye contact with John.
“And don’t give me any of that shy girl bullshit,” Lisa admonished playfully, “you’ll be graduating soon, so now is the time to find a boyfriend and have a good time before you get stuck in another boring job, working sixty hours a week for twenty years. Or is it going to be a husband?”
“God no!” Casey exclaimed. “I don’t ever want to get married.”
“Ok, ok, I’m not asking you to propose to anyone!” Lisa chuckled. “But… seriously, I need a wingman! And you’re so pretty when you make an effort! You could probably get any guy here tonight.”
“Maybe it would help if I dressed like this normally,” Casey considered.
“What?! Are you kidding me?” Lisa’s tone was almost angry.
“No, think about it: it makes sense.” Casey tried to keep her tone excited so Lisa wouldn’t misunderstand her. “Women don’t like to dress sexy or act slutty because our society has taught us that when we do those things men treat us worse. But we also feel like if we don’t present ourselves in a way that looks attractive then we don’t measure up. We feel judged by other women for acting like we shouldn’t be judged by men.”
Lisa narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. Casey continued before Lisa could interrupt her, “But imagine if a woman could look sexy while still presenting herself as strong and powerful. Imagine if she could be respected without sacrificing sex appeal! Or without being perceived as either one or the other!”
Casey paused and saw that Lisa was chewing her lip, but didn’t interrupt. “That’s why I’m wearing makeup! That’s how we can reclaim sex appeal. By choosing it and being confident in our own sexual identities.”
Lisa finished her drink. “I’ll buy you a drink if you go get me another one.” She smiled and gave Casey a playful shove. “But I have to warn you: if your theory doesn’t work out you’re going to catch a lot of shit.”
Casey giggled as she ordered her drinks from the bartender, who nodded his head politely in appreciation of her choice to wear makeup.
“And one more thing,” Lisa called after her as she walked back to their table, “if your feminist theories involve wearing that shirt as short and tight as possible, you’re going to be freezing your tits off soon.”
“Oh shit!” Casey exclaimed, looking down at her top. “I forgot to change shirts before we left. I just threw this hoodie on over the first t-shirt I saw. And then I got all excited about applying my mascara!”
Lisa stared wide eyed at her friend. Casey felt a strange rush of nervous energy and tried to smile. It made her face feel odd, as if the muscles weren’t quite used to holding that expression.
“Well I’ll go get changed!” Casey said cheerfully, hopping up and walking back to her apartment. As she reached the door she turned to add, “oh and Lisa – there’s no such thing as too girly! Just because Professor Baxter thinks that’s patriarchy talking doesn’t mean it has to be true for all of us.”
The ride up in the elevator to their floor felt uncomfortably familiar to Casey. Something about how crowded the car was, or maybe something in the way the men were behaving reminded her of something else.
That’s ridiculous, Casey thought to herself. This isn’t a scene from a porno. I haven’t been hypnotized or anything. Nothing weird like that is going to happen. Why would I think something like that?
Casey stepped out of the elevator into the hallway alone, feeling relieved for some reason she couldn’t understand. She reached into her purse as she fumbled with her keys.
And then suddenly there were men on each side of her. They were taller than her, one to either side, so close that she could barely move her arms. Two hands – one hand each – pressed up against her back, gently forcing her to walk forward with them. Her key missed the lock and dropped out of her shaking hands.
“Where… what…?” Casey managed to stammer as her face reddened.
The hands were pressing on her hips now. A hand on one hip pulled at her skirt while a hand on the other hip slid further behind her to pull down her panties. Casey was trembling so much that it felt impossible for her to do anything, even though part of her desperately wanted to flee.
Casey turned her head to look behind her and saw the young man from the elevator standing there. She thought she should say something to him, but when he stepped forward she turned back around to look straight ahead again.
She could feel their hot breath on her neck. She could feel the rough fabric of their jeans rubbing against her thighs. She knew they were going to take her now, and she couldn’t do anything about it. She could see into the dark hallways in front of her, knowing what would come next, but frozen by her fear and excitement.
The fingers holding down her skirt felt coarse and thick as they gripped tightly onto her asscheeks. The fingers holding her panties down felt smaller and more delicate. One hand reached under her arm and took hold of one of her breasts, giving it a possessive squeeze.
Then the hands started moving again. One set pulled off her underwear while the other lifted her skirt up over her hips. The second set of hands then came around and grabbed her buttocks. Both sets spread apart, spreading her ass open as wide as her legs could spread.
Casey closed her eyes. She could almost smell him… smell his musky, animal scent.
She jumped slightly when a pair of fingers brushed across her opening lips, tracing along her cunt in a way that made her wet with excitement. She gasped loudly when a tongue pushed its way inside of her cunt.
“So… are you learning how to put makeup on and go out to the bar in order to get laid?” Lisa asked.
Casey opened her mouth to respond, but couldn’t bring herself to reply. She blushed and buried her face in her hands.
“I bet you think this counts as your slut walk!” Lisa teased.
Casey nodded into her palms. “If you were doing the same thing,” she countered, “then it would count as Take Back the Night. This isn’t any different. It’s the same principle.”
“That sounds right, except for one part.” Lisa said with a nod and a smirk. Casey finally raised her head from her hands to look at Lisa curiously. “Except there’s one big difference: if I did this, no guy would ever be dumb enough to talk about me or tell others how slutty I am, because we don’t know who my father is. And he was really, really pissed off when his last daughter brought home a boyfriend he didn’t approve of.”
“Your dad has six daughters, right?” Casey asked.
“Nine. And every one of us learned how to play football. Just ask that idiot from State, back in the fall. Don’t worry though, he wasn’t hurt. Much.”
Casey frowned at that memory.
“But Casey, you’ve never played football. You couldn’t get out of the way fast enough to save yourself from a drunk frat boy. So… why did you come out tonight looking like such a skank if it’s your big night for reclaiming your womanhood?”
“Well, that’s what I was doing in the bathroom right before I came out here. But yeah, it turns out I’m more of a sexual person than I realized.”
“Huh.”
“So I’ve decided to live as a sexual person for a while. You know, really embrace who I am deep inside.”
“Uh huh,” Lisa replied after draining the rest of her drink. She ordered them both another round. “You’re not even dressed in your normal baggy jeans and hoodie. You’ve gone all out, haven’t you?”
“Yeah,” Casey agreed as she took another sip from her drink. “And you know what I realized today? All this time I thought women are objects, that they’re property or slaves or whatever. But now that I’m actually thinking about it, I don’t think so. I think men are objects too. We all are. And I know I hate the idea of being owned, so it’s hard for me to accept being objectified.”
“Makes sense to me,” Lisa responded.
They clinked their glasses together and smiled. They were both several drinks into their evening and were enjoying themselves. Casey was looking forward to meeting Brian. She knew he’d enjoy himself with Lisa, and besides that she owed him for helping her ace her Feminist Film class. She needed him to approve of her project idea so they could move on to the next step: putting his movie script into action.
Just then he walked through the door, scanning the room nervously. When he saw Casey his smile lit up his face and he made a beeline for the two of them. Casey jumped out of her seat to greet him.
He caught her in an embrace when they reached each other. Casey felt warm in his arms. His breath was hot on her ear and neck, and she noticed him inhaling deeply and smelling her hair as his arms wrapped tightly around her. He stood slightly taller than Casey, which wasn’t uncommon considering she was unusually tall for a woman.
When they separated she introduced him to Lisa. He shook her hand, and seemed disappointed that her hug wasn’t quite as long and intimate as the one he had given to Casey.
“It’s so great to meet you,” Brian exclaimed as he grabbed a seat next to Lisa. “Casey has told me all about how kind and helpful you are.”
“Has she?” Lisa responded suspiciously. “You know, we only met last semester? That’s pretty recent.”
Brian leaned in closer to Lisa, looking surprised. “Really? It doesn’t feel like you two just met.”
Lisa looked concerned as Brian continued, “that must be your good nature making it feel like we’ve been friends forever. I hope our relationship will be every bit as close as yours and Casey’s.” He gave her a seductive grin that she half-heartedly returned.
“Well, I don’t want to take up all of your time,” he said while putting his hand on Lisa’s shoulder. “I’ll go get us some drinks while you girls chat.”
They watched him go, and Lisa turned back to Casey to speak, but Casey beat her to the punch. “Why didn’t you tell me what a great guy he was?”
Lisa raised an eyebrow. “Are you coming onto my boyfriend now, too?”
“No, just Brian. He’s so confident! And attractive! You never told me about his eyes!”
“You know him? Or have you two met or something?”
“He’s tutoring me for that class! For free! Why didn’t you say anything about how great he is?”
“I dunno, you just seemed like you didn’t really care and I was focused on…”
Casey waved her hand dismissively. “But did you see that body?” Casey whispered.
“Well yeah…” Lisa admitted.
“We need to get him!” Casey hissed conspiratorially. She pointed across the room to where the guy was talking to two women who seemed to be trying to compete with each other for his attention. He wasn’t exactly a stud – he looked kind of dorky, but fit and fashionable. His brown hair was cut short, and his brown eyes were hidden behind black rimmed glasses.
“What?” Lisa exclaimed incredulously. “First off, those girls look like they’re going to tear each other apart if we intervene. And second off, we don’t even know that guy! Why do you want him so much?”
Casey giggled, “but he’s perfect! I think… I think his face will work in a wide variety of scenes. You can use any camera angle to make his face look masculine or feminine and you could edit it in so many ways! His eyebrows are thin so we can put eyeliner on them without the viewer noticing. We can make him the star of any kind of film that’s going to be a woman’s viewpoint – anything that uses the first person perspective. But he needs to be male because…”
Casey trailed off. It seemed obvious that Brian needed to be male. It also seemed obvious that she and Lisa should try to meet Brian right away. They didn’t know how long this opportunity might last, and Brian had an obligation to help them and would be more than willing to lend his face to their project. Casey found herself confused about why these things seemed so clear to her, but brushed off the thought as unimportant.
Lisa interrupted Casey’s thought by grabbing her by the arm and dragging her out of the club. Casey offered minimal resistance to Lisa. A few short minutes later they were at a restaurant near campus where Brian was known to hang out after classes.
When Casey first met Brian she hadn’t found him particularly attractive. She could appreciate his looks objectively, but she never thought much about them one way or another. Now, seeing him from across the room, she found him incredibly handsome.
“Hey Brian!” Lisa called out, practically shouting over the din of the crowded restaurant.
Brian’s gaze fell on Casey and a smile spread across his face. He said something to the women who were chatting with him, then crossed the room to join Lisa and Casey.
“Thanks for inviting me to meet you here tonight ladies,” Brian said as he gave them each an awkward hug.
Casey couldn’t help but notice that the hugs felt almost perfunctory for him, but when his hand briefly touched her shoulder it caused her stomach to flip and butterflies to fill her insides.
“Hey, thanks for helping Casey out. I guess it’s working?”
“Yes!” Casey blurted out. “It’s fantastic! It’s not quite finished yet, but the material is starting to make sense now. Before, I felt lost from day one, but now it’s totally coming together. I know I might actually pass this class.
Brian looked at her appraisingly. “I’m glad I could help. But don’t get too excited about it. The program isn’t completely done, and there may be some unanticipated effects or problems. So we’ll have to monitor your progress carefully. You have to listen every single day without fail. It’s no good unless you use the program every day. Otherwise it will start to fall apart, and then…”
Casey didn’t catch what Brian was saying. A loud group of men had walked by them to order drinks at the bar, and their conversation had drawn Casey’s attention. She turned to see where the noise was coming from, and saw a gaggle of frat boys in tight shirts. She knew she wasn’t supposed to notice guys like that, but these particular men looked… interesting.
One of them caught her staring, and she tried to turn back, embarrassed. When he smiled at her she got butterflies in her stomach, and her blush deepened.
“…And when you’re finished you should return it.”
“Hmm? Finished what?” Casey turned back to Brian. “Sorry, I lost track of what you were saying.”
Brian shrugged dismissively, then changed the subject. They made plans to meet that evening for some sort of check-in to monitor her progress. As much as Casey enjoyed getting together with him she started to dread these meetings. He was kind enough, but he always wanted to discuss something boring like whether his program was having any negative effects on her. The whole point was that it helped her, right?
After Casey went to get herself a beer at the bar, Lisa approached Brian. “Can I talk to you about something?” She asked timidly.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“I think it might be a coincidence, but I can’t believe in coincidence anymore after taking a few years of philosophy classes. I’m worried about Casey. Did you notice anything wrong with her when she came to your office hours?”
“Like what?”
“Her face looked weird. Her eyes were different. Her mouth. Everything was like, subtly off.”
“Are you sure? Casey looked fine to me,” Brian answered. He sipped his beer and tried not to sound too nonchalant.
“Yeah I am! What kind of research material did you give her?”
Brian smiled at her and leaned back. He made eye contact as he drained his drink. “You said something about wanting to thank me properly, right?”
“What?” Lisa blushed when she caught onto Brian’s meaning. “Yes… no! You know that was because of the studying help! No, that’s…” she glanced over her shoulder, then turned back to face him and whispered conspiratorially, “I have a girlfriend now! That was just because of our deal!”
Brian smiled as he watched her struggle with herself. He loved breaking girls in, and he liked that this one had already been halfway there before he met her. “Fine,” he replied. “But you owe me a little more than that. Remember we made a deal?”
“I’ll write a part for you, right?”
“Exactly.” Brian signaled the waiter for another round, then turned back to his companion. “That means you have to be willing to film anything I want with your Feminist Film Studies group. You’re going to need some real-world practice anyway.”
Casey looked around awkwardly. “What do you mean by anything?”
“Nothing illegal or non-consensual,” Brian said while looking deeply into her eyes. “Do you trust me?”
Casey wanted to answer no. She wanted to tell him he was being creepy. But there was something about him that made her feel strange and calm and safe. His gaze made it hard for her to break eye contact, and she felt the word slipping out of her mouth before she could stop it: “yes.”
Lisa didn’t seem satisfied by that answer, but she seemed willing to drop the topic. The girls talked about their classes and their jobs and mutual friends until Brian showed up. Casey felt weird seeing him. She couldn’t shake the feeling of connection she remembered from when they had locked eyes.
He stood in front of the girls while they finished their conversation, staring at Casey unabashedly. It took a few minutes before she noticed, and when she did she shot him an angry look that seemed to go through him.
Brian waited until Lisa went to get another round before he sat down next to Casey and said, “so… is that the only part of feminism that makes sense now?”
“What do you mean?” Casey responded testily.
“Your outfit,” Brian nodded at Casey’s chest, where her hoodie was open enough that he could see some cleavage between the top two buttons. “You were saying how it wasn’t patriarchy controlling women anymore.”
“Fuck off. Don’t make fun of me,” Casey hissed.
Brian ignored her. “So now that you can choose you’re deciding to be hot?”
“What? No!” Casey felt a flash of heat. She was wearing a plain black hoodie and jeans – nothing particularly sexy. And sure, she liked that the pants showed off her hips and butt, but no more than most girls who cared about their appearance did.
“Do you feel empowered now that you’ve taken the veil off?”
“Shut up, Brian,” Casey seethed, her cheeks growing redder. “Weren’t you just making fun of my class for having bad theories about feminism anyway?”
Brian shrugged and ordered another drink from the waitress. “Yeah, but I thought it was the professor. You don’t even think these people know what they’re talking about.”
“They don’t!” Casey snapped. “And neither do you. And I don’t have to sit here and be judged by some asshole guy!” She got up and started to storm away when Brian caught her wrist.
“Wait! Casey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” His face looked surprisingly sympathetic, but it wasn’t enough to stop Casey.
“Oh, come on, Case, we were only kidding. Besides, you’ve been acting so weird recently.”
Casey tried to rip her arm loose but Brian’s grip tightened. He looked around at the other patrons watching the scene unfold, and his eyes seemed to flash purple. All the noise of the bar vanished as the room felt suddenly devoid of all life. Everyone in the bar was looking at the pair, their faces slack, but nobody spoke.
“Sit down,” Brian instructed. With no further explanation he turned and faced the rest of the bar. “Nobody saw anything unusual. Everyone is fine.”
Brian turned back and the world filled in around him. The dull roar of chatter from the bar resumed, and nobody seemed to take any notice of them. Casey collapsed into her chair, tears starting to stream down her cheeks.
“How are you doing?” Brian asked her as she buried her face in her hands and tried to regain her composure.
“What did you do?” Casey responded softly, refusing to look up at Brian.
“I needed your attention, and the best way to get that is with sex,” Brian explained without bothering to soften the subject matter.
“It’s… it’s not right, ok? The material is making me think some strange stuff, and if we had talked first then I could have figured that out ahead of time instead of this feeling so…” She finally lifted her head and met his eye contact. “This feels like cheating on my husband!”
Brian seemed taken aback by her assertion. He looked at her for a long minute before responding. When he spoke it was quiet enough that nobody else would hear them over the din of the bar.
“But you don’t have a husband.”
“I know! But the idea of betraying your partner seems kind of like what monogamy would mean, right? If I’m not going to be monogamous, then why is it still coming to mind?”
“Monogamy is a socially constructed tradition, not some fundamental part of the human experience,” Brian argued.
“Are you kidding me? Is that one of the things you are programming into my brain? Are you filling up all of my subconscious thoughts with your stupid pseudo-intellectual bullshit?”
“Casey! Language! Besides, this is for your own benefit. The faster you can wrap your mind around these concepts, the easier it’ll be.”
“So what are you trying to program into my head?” Casey asked, a dangerous tone creeping into her voice. “Why don’t you tell me about it?”
“I am only concerned with ensuring your ability to grasp the material, and nothing else,” Brian assured her. “Everything in here will only make you smarter and better able to communicate your understanding of complex ideas. You asked for help, I gave you help, and now you’re acting ungrateful.”
“And…” Casey pressed, still uncertain. “You promise you didn’t include any pornographic images, or any of the… the sex thoughts I’ve been having?”
Brian chuckled. “Do you think the human subconscious is susceptible to that sort of simple stimulus-response programming? That if I show you an image of a man and a woman touching each other, every time you see that image you’re going to be hot for him? The subconscious isn’t as malleable as you might think.”
Casey took a deep breath, sighed in relief, then finished her drink in one gulp. She waved at the bartender to order a new round for the girls.
“So, what do you call a bunch of lesbians on a sailboat?” Casey asked with an innocent smile.
Lisa shrugged. “What?”
“A Sapphic cruise!” Casey giggled at her own joke. Lisa rolled her eyes. Casey thought that the joke might have fallen flat because it wasn’t inclusive enough for feminism, so she tried another. “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Feminist filmmakers!”
Lisa groaned. “That doesn’t even make sense.”
“You’re right! And it’s not very funny. That was terrible. You think the next round is on me too? The feminist filmmakers?”
“Casey, are you ok?”
“Never better! Why?”
Lisa paused before answering. “You just seem weird tonight. More talkative. Energetic. And all that stuff about feminists… do you need me to call someone for you?”
“No! But thank you.” Casey got up from the table, then leaned over and planted a big wet kiss on Lisa’s lips. “Just keep doing your usual girl shit. It’s fine. Seeya around!”
Casey bounced out of her seat and over to the men’s restroom.
A young guy in his mid-twenties came out while Casey was waiting. She didn’t know why she hadn’t paid much attention to him when he walked by earlier. His hair was a little long and messy, his beard unshaven but trimmed. His clothes were plain and boring like hers, except he wasn’t wearing an oversized hoodie – instead he sported a t-shirt with the name of some band on it, probably whatever had been playing at the bar that evening. He wore loose khaki pants that looked like he might have had to dig through some bins to find.
He smelled faintly of sweat and deodorant. As he passed her he flashed Casey a small smile, and she returned it instinctively. When he was halfway across the room she called out to him.
“Hey,” Casey said shyly as he approached her, “sorry, but I’m waiting to use the bathroom and there’s a couple guys who are taking their time in there. I thought maybe you could take this and go return it to them.”
She handed him the bottle of hand sanitizer and a piece of paper. He smiled and agreed, then disappeared back into the bathroom.
Casey waited, her breath caught in her throat. The idea was silly and desperate, and the boy was cute and would probably think she was crazy, but she didn’t know what else to do.
The two frat bros stumbled out of the bathroom after about five minutes. They each carried a plastic cup. They had been in the bathroom together for quite some time – Casey suspected that they were doing more than just peeing and drinking in there. They approached her as one of them whispered something to his friend and pointed at her.
As he passed by he handed her the bottle of hand sanitizer. Casey felt herself start to blush.
The two drunk boys returned to their friends without saying anything.
“You look upset,” Lisa said to her companion, concerned.
“That wasn’t right…” Casey mumbled quietly to herself. “They’re so gross… so disrespectful… what did I do wrong?”
“I feel like we’re getting off-topic. What do you mean?” Lisa prompted.
“All men ever care about are tits and ass!” Casey shouted at her friend. “That’s all Brian cares about! That’s all that fucking asshole cares about when I ask him for his help! I can’t afford to fail this class and he knows it and he holds it over me like he has the fucking right! Like there’s anything in it for him!”
Lisa looked around in surprise at the few people who were staring at Casey after her outburst. She placed a hand on her friend’s shoulder and tried to calm her down.
“But the point of feminism isn’t for women to stop being desirable by men, it’s for women to have value and meaning apart from their sex appeal. It’s the commodification of women as female objects that feminism is trying to fight against! Feminists want to be considered human beings before women.”
Lisa shook her head. “Look, I think it’s good that you’re trying to understand the movement better so you can talk about it intelligently. And the Slut Walks are an important movement. But what does this have to do with Brian?”
“He’s my tutor! He’s helping me figure out this feminist stuff so I don’t fail the course. That’s all.”
Lisa gave Casey an odd look, like she was trying to piece together something she didn’t fully understand. After a moment she changed the subject, much to Casey’s relief.
Casey sipped her drink and tried to push aside Lisa’s questions. They weren’t even accurate. She wasn’t using Brian to learn feminist film criticism… but maybe that was how he was using her? It’s not like he wanted her there any more than she wanted him in the movie.
Her mind lingered on that for awhile. He seemed interested in her. Did she find him attractive? Not really. But he was pretty cute. What would it be like to let someone like Brian dominate her, to submit to his will and do whatever he desired of her?
He could command her to wear makeup. She would never wear slutty makeup out if it were up to her, but maybe she would enjoy submitting to his authority like that. She wondered if she would still feel empowered wearing revealing clothing when Brian demanded it.
Casey shook her head, surprised by where her mind had wandered off to. “What am I thinking about?” she mused to herself quietly. “Why do I want a boyfriend like that? I’m such a stereotype!”
Still, as much as she hated to admit it, there was something undeniably exciting about the idea of pleasing a dominant man.
“I don’t know,” Casey replied honestly to Lisa’s question. “Maybe this stuff isn’t what Professor Baxter means, but it makes me feel better. And it makes so many other things in my life make sense!”
“What sort of things?”
“I dunno. Relationships I guess.”
“Are you saying that you can learn about how men and women get along from your Feminist Film Studies class, rather than actually dating anyone?”
Casey ignored Lisa and continued. “This guy Brian is like… if feminism doesn’t mean we’re supposed to hate men then he seems pretty ideal to me. Like, not all guys are assholes right?”
“Casey! Are you drunk?!” Lisa gasped. She reached across the table and felt Casey’s forehead as though looking for a temperature.
“Of course not!” Casey batted her friend’s hand away. “Maybe I’m just coming to understand how things really work. What Professor Baxter teaches sounds great, but it’s not how real relationships happen.”
“How do ‘real relationships happen’, then?” Lisa asked skeptically.
“Like…” Casey struggled to articulate. “Professor Baxter says that patriarchy teaches men that violence is a valid solution to disputes with women, but I never experienced anything like that. She tells us over and over again that our whole lives will be ruined if we have sex, or say something rude, or take someone’s boyfriend, or any of the dozens of stupid reasons she imagines men might have to kill or rape or oppress a woman. But nothing like that ever happened to me!”
Casey continued excitedly, “and that means it doesn’t have to happen to other women either!”
“Right…”
“So I’ve started rethinking the sort of relationship I want to have with a man.” Casey’s words surprised her as they slipped out of her mouth. She wasn’t sure where they came from, but realized quickly that she meant them. “And I don’t want the same kinds of relationships that my mother had with men. And that’s because women like Professor Baxter… wait!”
Casey slammed her hand on the table and turned towards Lisa, wide-eyed.
“What’s going on with you?!” Lisa asked, shocked. “I haven’t seen you this excited since we graduated high school and you knew you’d never have to go back there.”
“Lisa! Oh my god! Thank you!” Casey’s jaw dropped open. “I got it! I can talk about the program and understand it now. I understand why it has to be a secret, too.”
“So how long does your little self-study program last?” Lisa asked suspiciously. “Are you going to go through your life wearing lipstick and talking about feminism?”
“Well, no, but…” Casey blushed. “Once I get all the information internalized then I can shut down the program without losing anything.”
“And when will that be?”
Casey considered the question thoughtfully before answering. “Probably sometime next week.”
“Alright,” Lisa responded cautiously.
They continued to chat about nothing important. When Lisa went to the bathroom Casey took the opportunity to look herself over in the mirror one more time.
This time she didn’t like what she saw. She saw too much lipstick, too much eyeshadow, and no other makeup at all. She saw an outfit that showed too much leg and barely covered her cleavage. Her stomach twisted as she thought about her mom judging her choice of clothes for showing too much skin and not having any class.
That feeling got stronger when the first guy came up to talk to her while Lisa was in the bathroom. “Hey, gorgeous.”
“Hey there!” Casey replied cheerfully, suddenly aware of how much leg she was showing.
The man stepped closer and lowered his voice. He was a bit shorter than Casey and clearly out of shape. “So how much?”
“How… how much what?”
He chuckled, although it wasn’t clear if he actually thought that was funny. “Look, I get it if you want to play games, but let’s skip past the bullshit. You’re new here, so your going rate is whatever I say it is.”
Casey was shocked, disgusted, and angry. “How dare you? Did you think I was some hooker?”
“A hooker? No. Not until I mentioned money. Look, just give me your going rate and I’ll pay double.” Brian had a look of lustful hunger as he looked her over again. “And I hope you give special deals for friends.”
Casey tried to walk away, but she tripped over his leg. He grabbed her arm to pull her back to her feet, and when she started to pull away, he held tight. She realized how much larger he was than her, and how alone they were.
Her first thought was to scream, but she doubted anyone would hear her over the noisy club. Then she thought about fighting, but Brian looked strong. He also looked like he wouldn’t let go even if she tried to fight him off. The only choice she had was to try to talk him out of it.
“Please don’t,” she pleaded.
“What do you mean ‘don’t’?” Brian scoffed. “Why wouldn’t I?”
He looked around, then guided them through a door marked “private” at the end of the hall. They ended up in what looked like a broom closet: it was poorly lit by an incandescent bulb and lined with shelves filled with paper towels, hand soap, toilet tissue, and a few bottles of cleaning supplies. The rest of the room was taken up by a small desk and an ancient-looking desktop computer.
Brian turned the screen so Casey could see. It showed a black and white film still from a scene she recognized – two men holding knives, squaring off over a pretty young girl who lay on a table.
“Look! Look how beautiful that is!” Brian exclaimed as he gestured to the screen. “Is there any other place where art can be so blatant about its eroticism while also being totally tasteful?”
“So you… want to star in a film like that? A violent film? That glorifies patriarchy and misogyny?” Casey tried to be understanding. “Is it because of your…”
She stopped when Brian laughed. “Oh God, no! I don’t have penis envy or a hatred of women or any of that bullshit. I just love that aesthetic!”
Casey was relieved by Brian’s denial, but only somewhat comforted. She still felt uncertain. “Do you watch anything that doesn’t contain violence against women?”
Brian frowned and crossed his arms, seemingly irritated. “No, everything else is shit. It’s all stupid romantic comedy crap, or dumb family movies. I guess there are some cool animated films that would be ok, and there might be something worthwhile from before the eighties.”
Brian’s anger and passion were intimidating. The look in his eyes wasn’t one that Casey was used to seeing, and it made her want to recoil. She thought about her friends’ comments – about how much she had changed in just a few weeks. She decided she needed to put some limits on the arrangement.
“Um… this subliminals stuff might be making me, like, too girly or something, so maybe I should only listen to them on the weekends?” Casey made her proposal feel like a question, hoping to imply that if Brian objected then she’d drop the whole thing.
Brian rolled his eyes. “Ok,” he relented. “Do whatever you think is best.” He gestured to the bar behind him, suggesting that he was ready to end their meeting and go have fun.
Casey watched Brian’s broad shoulders and narrow waist as he walked away. She couldn’t see anything wrong with treating someone who looks that good with special attention. It isn’t any worse than wearing makeup, after all.
She caught up to Brian and gave his firm butt a playful squeeze. When he turned around and cocked an eyebrow at her she giggled. Casey felt drunk or high or something. She didn’t know how to interpret his look, but it seemed friendly and curious, so she grabbed him by the front of the shirt and pulled him towards her.
Their lips touched in a kiss that started clumsy, but deepened as their tongues explored each other’s mouth. Casey heard herself let out a small moan – it surprised her, because she didn’t realize she had even been feeling sexually aroused until then.
Brian seemed startled and pushed her gently away. “What are you doing? You just told your friend you were ‘into’ women.”
“I can kiss whoever I want!” Casey argued back, still trying to pull Brian close to her. “If kissing you means something different for a woman than it does for a man then society did that, not me. Men do whatever they want and don’t think twice about it, why shouldn’t women do the same?”
Brian gave Casey an odd look that she found difficult to interpret. It felt like pity mixed with surprise, or sympathy for what a pathetic slut she was, combined with his understanding of her as an interesting sexual prospect. She couldn’t identify where that thought came from, but it felt right.
Lisa pulled herself off of her chair and turned towards the bathrooms, which were down a hall that led to the rear exit. “I guess… I’ll leave you two to… figure out… whatever you’ve got going on.”
“Thanks Lisa,” Casey replied as she tried to pull Brian closer once again. She was surprised by the response, but she didn’t fight against it when Brian leaned down for a kiss.
Brian pulled away first. “You’re into girls now?”
“Of course not!” Casey exclaimed. Her answer wasn’t entirely true – she’d never felt sexually aroused by the touch of a woman before, but she did think that women were incredibly sexy and attractive, and sometimes she had fantasized about other women. The fact that she’d had her arms around a man while she kissed him had nothing to do with him being male. It had everything to do with him being a very attractive person whom Casey wanted to spend time with.
“This is still part of the deal we made, right? You promised me that if I helped you, you would give me an opportunity to do something I want. And right now I want you,” Brian explained himself.
“Oh… I… ok,” Casey responded uncertainly. She liked Brian well enough and found him quite sexy, and she was willing to do almost anything to get help for her studies, but still didn’t feel comfortable doing anything sexual with someone whose gender she didn’t find sexually appealing.
Brian saw Casey’s uncertainty, and leaned down so his lips were next to her ear. He whispered gently into her ear. His words were indistinct to Casey, but she felt her uncertainty melting away and her inhibitions start to melt away.
“Let’s go somewhere a little quieter where we can talk,” he suggested. They walked together back out to the street, where Brian hailed a cab. They climbed into the back of the taxi and made their way off campus towards the city proper. Casey stared out the window silently while the two sat close together but without touching. She noticed that his hands moved frequently in his lap, as if he was eager to touch her but stopping himself repeatedly.
She glanced over at him, and noticed that he too kept turning towards her, but when she looked he turned quickly away, blushing.
The traffic wasn’t bad so the ride wasn’t long, only ten or fifteen minutes. Brian led her into a small apartment complex on a short street a few blocks away from a downtown strip club, through a door into the lobby of the building, down a hallway, and into an elevator.
He took her to what she assumed was his own apartment, and let them in. He led her over to a large black futon on the living room wall. “You seem nervous,” Brian said gently.
“A little,” Casey admitted. She blushed a little and found herself looking down at her hands.
“This program that I made, it’s never been tested before. I wanted to make sure everything was working ok. And you still haven’t told me how I’m going to be able to help myself.”
Brian frowned slightly at the thought, but nodded. “Ok, we can discuss this later when we’re somewhere a little quieter. But first, come on. I’ll buy you a drink.”
The two young women walked up to the bar together. They took their seats on stools and waited for the bartender. When he came over Brian ordered them each a cocktail. He pulled a credit card out of his wallet to pay for the drinks.
The bartender went about mixing the drinks. After setting the glasses in front of them and taking the payment, he excused himself to serve another customer.
“Thanks,” Casey said with a smile as she sipped her cocktail. “Oh wow, this is pretty good! Strong too.”
Casey took another sip, and looked around the club. It wasn’t particularly crowded but it had a lively atmosphere. The dance floor was starting to get busy, and most of the seating areas were full. There were a few men at the bar, and some standing against the wall or walking around, but most of the crowd appeared to be women. She couldn’t even guess at what percentage.
Something about all those women was getting under Casey’s skin. She thought about how different she would have felt if she came here dressed like she usually did. All these women made her feel like she should feel out of place, but now that she was making herself over it made her want to try more.
“Hey, let’s go sit over there!” Casey excitedly indicated one of the booths near a tall table along the far wall. “I think… I want to sit where everyone can see me.”
Lisa rolled her eyes, shrugged, and the two friends moved to a booth across from one of the men. There were other empty tables nearby, so Casey guessed that this man didn’t bring his wife or girlfriend. He had shaggy brown hair, blue eyes, an olive complexion, and was wearing a nice button down shirt and well fitted khakis. Casey judged him to be only slightly older than herself.
“Can we get something to drink over here?” Casey called as they settled in. She wasn’t normally so bold, but something about all of her new makeup and clothing was emboldening her.
“Uh… yeah, sure,” the guy responded, somewhat reluctantly.
He signaled the bartender to deliver two drinks to the table.
The drinks were cheap vodka cranberries for Lisa and Casey, and beers for their companion and himself. As the two girls sipped their drinks, the man seemed uncomfortable. After a few minutes he got up and left.
“That’s fine,” Casey said after he departed, “the alcohol is free, even if the company isn’t.”
Her remark earned her a snort of amusement from Lisa. The girls spent the night sharing stories, dancing together, flirting with various women and men around the club, and drinking without worrying about who would foot the bill.
Lisa disappeared while Casey was getting drinks for the both of them. Casey thought she had seen her leave the club with some girl she met in one of their usual haunts, so she shrugged it off. They each knew how to get home safely.
Casey took one of the seats along the wall and started to nurse her drink as she watched the crowd. She saw more than a few young men casting glances her way, so she tried to put on a brave face. The problem was she felt unsure of herself – usually she didn’t worry what they might think of her, but tonight she had put herself in the position of being seen as sexy.
After half of an hour of anxious observation, she stood and threw out most of her drink. Her head swam and she wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or Brian’s program that was responsible. In the bathroom she splashed cold water on her face to try to sober up. One woman gave her an amused glance as she entered, but Casey ignored her and hurried back out before the woman could engage her.
Casey made her way carefully down the street to catch the bus that would bring her home. Her head continued to spin throughout the trip. She leaned against the window, trying to focus on something solid, and when the driver stopped she found her way onto the sidewalk.
She almost made it into her apartment building without incident, but stumbled near the front door. Casey heard a shout from behind her. A large man helped steady her with a firm grip on each of her shoulders.
Casey muttered an embarrassed thanks and fished the key card out of her pocket. She struggled to slide the card into the reader correctly on the first couple of tries. As she succeeded, the man opened his mouth, seemingly to offer further words of encouragement. Casey held up a hand to stop him, gave him a weak smile, and made her way upstairs.
She dropped into bed without removing her makeup. The world continued to spin even as she laid in bed. She wondered if it was a side-effect of Brian’s program or just too much alcohol.
When Casey woke up she knew it wasn’t the alcohol. Her head continued to spin, and she struggled to recall details about the past night. She had gone out to the bar with Lisa, like usual, but something about this time was different.
Casey tried to figure out why she had felt so comfortable flirting with that guy. It must have been the alcohol, or the high spirits she’d been riding since figuring out how to pass Feminist Film Studies. Still, there seemed to be more to it than that.
And what were the last things she remembered before he suggested they go to his place? Her memory was hazy. Something about Brian coming back to their room, but she remembered rejecting his advances. Then what?
What Casey could remember, though, was having sex with the stranger from the club. He wasn’t her usual type – he was too tall, too burly, too… everything. And the sex had been pretty rough, something else she didn’t usually enjoy. Why couldn’t she remember any of this until now?
Casey shook away her troubling thoughts as she got ready to leave Brian’s apartment. The sun was rising, and she was afraid someone might see her. She checked her bag to make sure she still had the MP3 player. It might not fit with her makeup or casual outfit, but she needed to have it with her at all times now that Brian’s program was starting to come along.
At some point they would have to talk about her project for the term. That would take priority over his silly film-about-girls film, but if he had taught her anything over the past few years he had taught her that he was worth humoring. If nothing else she could find some hot girls who would be interested in filming with him.
That thought gave her pause as she left. How had she gotten here? Was this Brian’s neighborhood? Could she walk home, or should she wait for a bus? Casey stopped at the door and put her head in her hand. Her memory seemed foggy, but after a moment the memories snapped into focus. She shook her head with relief and headed off towards the nearest bus stop.
Lisa had asked Casey for the MP3 player after several more weeks had passed and she hadn’t found an opportunity to try it out herself. Lisa wanted help remembering everything she needed to learn for her finals, and Casey thought she could use it too, so they both kept it between them.
It felt like cheating sometimes, but their grades and their ability to stay awake to study all night made it worth it.
Their grades improved so much that Casey suggested Lisa invite a couple of their friends from other classes over for a weekly study session with the two of them using the MP3 player. They all used earbuds while they listened together, although one student brought a speaker for her laptop which she connected it to. They didn’t make a lot of progress, but by the end of the year they were all able to pass all of their classes.
Two years later, Casey returned to school for grad school. Brian met her in front of campus with an MP3 player waiting for her in his hand.
Casey beamed and rushed over to greet him, giving him a tight hug. “My hero!”
Brian shrugged and rubbed the back of his head bashfully. “Yeah, well…” He handed her the MP3 player. “It might work better for you this time around, since you’ll know what it’s going to do for you.”
She examined the device – it was almost identical to the first one. “So I should listen to this every day?”
“If you want. We haven’t done any double-blind testing on that kind of usage.”
Casey held up the MP3 player and grinned at it.
“Just don’t listen while you’re doing anything important,” Brian continued. “The material will stay with you so long as your mind isn’t occupied by something else. But if you’re doing something really complicated or high stress, like driving or playing video games…”
“Sure, sure, sure,” Casey replied while she turned the device over in her hand. “So… do we need to shake on it, or…?”
Brian shrugged again. “I could use some dinner.”
“Dinner!” Casey exclaimed with a nervous laugh. She rubbed the back of her neck with her hand. “Let’s grab something from the dining hall?”
They started to walk out of Casey’s apartment, but Casey paused, unsure why they weren’t leaving yet. They hadn’t even closed the door behind them. In fact, Casey was still standing half-in and half-out of the building.
Casey frowned and took a step back into her apartment. She reached over and shut the door. Her frown remained as she pulled out her phone and sent a quick message: “not tonight, busy. Rain check?” She put her phone away again.
“Wasn’t our reservation for an hour ago?” Lisa asked.
“What? Oh!” Casey slapped her forehead with her palm. “Oh man, I completely forgot about it. I am so sorry! I can’t believe I stood you up!”
Lisa shrugged, “it’s ok. We’ll catch up at the next ladies’ night.”
“Yeah, see you soon!” Casey walked her friend down to the street and hugged her goodbye. As she waved goodbye and watched Lisa leave, Casey considered how weird it was that she suddenly wanted to get drunk with Lisa more often than once a month. But as fast as the thought popped into her head, it was gone. Casey shook off her concern and went back inside.
She made a quick stop by the bar, ordered a couple drinks to bring over to Brian, then headed towards the table he was holding for them. She saw him from halfway across the room, sitting at a small table set in a corner by the bathrooms. He was talking to someone, but Casey couldn’t make out who it was.
“Who’s this?” The question was barely out of her mouth when she recognized Amanda. “Oh, hey Amanda! Long time no see!”
Amanda looked up at her with a big smile, but Casey could tell it was a little strained. “Hey Casey! I almost didn’t recognize you! New hair-do?”
“Uh, yeah,” Casey lied awkwardly. “New semester, new start and all.”
Casey looked between Brian and Amanda suspiciously. She wondered if this was a planned meetup. The last she’d heard, Brian was still sleeping with Amanda.
“No no no, you misunderstand,” Brian explained, waving his hands defensively. “When you said you were coming out for drinks I invited Amanda along as well. I didn’t expect you two to show up together!”
Casey eyed him with suspicion, but then shrugged. “Well, that sounds plausible enough. Hey Amanda!”
The girls exchanged greetings, and Amanda offered to pay the first round. Casey and Lisa started browsing drink menus while Brian stood silently behind them. Casey could feel his eyes looking her over, but couldn’t bring herself to care. He wasn’t being particularly forward, he was just being… well, a guy.
After their drinks arrived they ordered dinner, chatting about classes, exams, their lives at school, and the usual stuff people talked about at bars. Their table got a bit quiet when it was mentioned that the term would end after finals, with Casey going into a production studio and both of the others heading to grad school.
After the food arrived, their conversation turned more intimate and personal, discussing past relationships and sexual adventures. While it was usually something Casey enjoyed talking about, she found it difficult to concentrate on anything the other girls said. Her mind kept returning to a series of vivid fantasies involving Brian and his program.
She tried to focus her attention by asking a pointed question about how much Lisa remembered from the last time she’d had sex while intoxicated. Her response was confusing, saying she could remember some parts but not others. It seemed inconsistent to Casey that an alcoholic could recall drinking a beer but not how she drank it, but somehow forgot having sex with a friend. It didn’t make any sense, until suddenly it did.
It made perfect sense. It was obviously that when an outside stimulant is introduced to an alcoholic, they need to devote their entire awareness to handling that stimulant so they don’t harm themselves. In that state they would never have consciously remembered what happened the night before, even though the memory must exist somewhere deep within their mind.
Casey looked between her friends, realizing for the first time that the three of them were sitting next to each other – in seats arranged along the bar counter that ran across the room. The configuration was similar to how Amanda and Brian were sitting when they met at the coffee shop where they exchanged phone numbers. She couldn’t understand why she would notice that or how it could be relevant, but she also felt like she somehow knew with total certainty that a man’s dick sliding into a woman’s ass wouldn’t cause her any discomfort. She knew because that was the order that was most pleasing to both men and women.
A waitress walked past their group of friends. Casey admired her figure for a moment as she bent over to set a drink down at a table behind her. The waitress noticed the staring and gave her a small wave.
Casey realized it was silly that they had been using the word “lesbian”. Of course it’s offensive to tell someone what kind of sexual relationships they do or don’t have! Everyone knows there are only two sexes, male and female, but the term “straight” suggests some weird thing about your orientation that has no basis in fact. A person could be straight vertically, horizontally, or obliquely; it didn’t matter at all when a man fucked them. Why should the same concept be used for people? Sex isn’t something that exists independently of bodies. And that wasn’t even mentioning gender, which obviously had nothing whatsoever to do with biology.
“Ok Casey, whatever you say,” Lisa finally said, drawing Casey’s attention back to her conversation. “So… now that we’ve established that, how’s Feminism Ruins Film Studies treating you?”
Casey groaned in frustration. “It doesn’t ruin film studies. It actually makes a lot of sense. There’s a professor who doesn’t agree with most of what’s taught, so he teaches it incorrectly and refuses to call students on their bullshit.”
Lisa laughed. “You’re not going to get me interested in this subject, ok? I’m happy not knowing what’s going on.”
Casey rolled her eyes dramatically. “It would take way too long to explain everything that’s wrong with you saying that.”
The women laughed together. Their other friends joined them, and their discussion turned away from education. Lisa forgot about the unusual look of Casey’s makeup. Nobody noticed when Casey slipped away to listen to Brian’s noise instead.
Several weeks after he began his sessions with the MP3 player, Casey invited him to come over to her apartment so he could assess her progress.
When she opened the door to let him in, Brian seemed speechless for a moment. “Wow, your place looks great.”
Casey smiled awkwardly. “Oh, uh… thanks? You know, I’m still figuring stuff out. I think I’ve figured out the right balance between resisting societal conventions and making a good living. The whole point of feminism is to be able to live my life without being oppressed, so there isn’t much point in working harder than I have to or buying anything I don’t actually need.”
Brian nodded. He had to remind himself that Casey was only a few weeks into using the MP3 player, even if it already looked like she had taken months or years of progress. She looked different since he’d seen her last; he wondered if she even recognized the changes herself yet.
Casey led Brian through her apartment, which before seemed to consist only of scattered books and a pile of clothes masquerading as a bed. Now everything was clean, tidy, and organized. Books were stacked neatly against one wall and a carefully made bed took up the center of the room. Casey explained that she was able to give away most of the clothes she used to use, leaving space in the drawers she now kept full of neatly folded clothes.
As Brian took in the differences his eyes drifted toward Casey herself. She stood confidently now. Her shoulders were back and she met Brian’s gaze directly. The makeup around her icy blue eyes accentuated them. It reminded him of the eye makeup she wore when she starred in Aliens in Bondage 2: Alien Pussy Galore. Her lips shined with lipstick instead of chapped and raw, as they tended to be without her realizing it. Instead of baggy jeans and a hoodie, today she wore slim black slacks and an off-the-shoulder red blouse with lace accents that highlighted her collarbones. Her hair was still worn in a messy bun, but one where every hair had been placed intentionally. She seemed like the sort of woman who might wear heels normally, but instead her feet sported stylish black flats.
“You’ve really made some improvements,” Brian offered in praise. “I wasn’t expecting such pronounced changes so soon.”
“I know, right?” Casey beamed at the praise.
“You’ve become a very beautiful woman, Casey.”
“Thank you!” Casey giggled slightly.
She seemed excited by the compliment. When she caught a man glancing at her, she smiled back at him before turning her attention back to Lisa.
Lisa narrowed her eyes in suspicion.
Casey sighed slightly. “Fine, don’t believe me. You know what Amanda told me? She told me that Brian helped her get through statistics even though she failed that class before. She said he worked wonders.”
“Oh, so this is about Brian?”
Casey bit her lip as she blushed slightly. “Well… maybe. Kinda? I mean…” Casey shrugged and sipped her beer.
Lisa smiled at Casey knowingly. “I bet you’d let him help you with anything, wouldn’t you?”
“That’s not funny!” Casey’s protest was unconvincing due to her giggling.
Brian opened his apartment door to find Casey standing there, bouncing excitedly on the balls of her feet. “Are you ready to be a movie star?”
Brian groaned. He closed the door behind Casey. “How many times do I have to tell you, we are not making a guy-porn film.”
“You told me I had to!” Casey whined.
“No,” Brian snapped, “I said that was your idea of how to repay me for helping you out. But it’s a shitty idea, so think of something else.”
“But…”
“You said you’d make a proper Feminist Film Studies project.”
Casey sighed. “Yeah, but Amanda said that she listened to your music while studying mathematics and that helped her pass a class.”
“This is different, though.”
“How?”
Casey shrugged. “Because…”
They sat together for a while without talking. Lisa watched Casey carefully as she ordered a third drink.
“So I suppose you’re going to change after college now too?”
“After college?” Casey looked confused.
“You know. After college when you join the real world you start putting on makeup and dressing in clothes that look like someone dressed you instead of shopping blindfolded in the juniors section.”
“That’s not why,” Casey objected.
“Why else?”
“I was thinking about how it affects my mental health.”
Lisa leaned back slightly, as if to examine Casey closely. “That sounds like some big thoughts.”
Casey shook her head. “No, just simple things, like how I need to be more open to other ways to express myself. Like using makeup and dressing better.”
“Are you sure this isn’t because you like your professor or something?”
“Professor Baxter? Eew. She’s crazy intense! No thanks!”
“But maybe that’s why you’ve been thinking these things – because of her lectures?”
Casey scoffed. “Not everyone gets turned on by old professors with boring ideas and weird hair.”
The girls laughed as they drank their drinks and chatted about this and that until their friends arrived and the evening really got going.
A short man, barely taller than Casey even in heels, approached them. He had long black hair tied back into a ponytail. He smiled at the group. “Hey. Can I buy any of you ladies a drink?”
The group laughed. A woman replied, “you can try your luck buying me a drink, but not these two – they’re lesbians.”
“Really?” The guy looked genuinely confused. His eyes flitted from Casey to Lisa and back again, obviously trying to find anything he could use to determine which woman was which.
The girls laughed again as the man turned and walked away in defeat. “That was weird,” Casey commented, wondering why the interaction felt off.
Lisa replied, “I think that’s normal, actually. People tend to be surprised when they meet lesbian couples, since we aren’t the butchy type you’d expect.”
Casey nodded thoughtfully. In her previous social circles people were almost always surprised to hear that she and her ex-girlfriend were in a relationship together, despite them not being exactly masculine or feminine stereotypes. In fact, now that she thought about it, her current circle of friends seemed more accepting. Casey felt confused at first, until it hit her: Lisa wasn’t gay, so any man who came onto her would have to accept that he might go home with two women instead of one.
“Hey, Lisa…”
“Yeah?”
“… nevermind.” Casey had been about to ask about Lisa’s sexuality, but realized that doing so would probably offend her, given their situation.
The two girls sat at the bar sipping their drinks. They chatted awkwardly about school and work. The evening grew late and soon only a couple of other people remained in the bar, and the bartender asked them if he could close.
After that night Casey started experimenting with makeup and hair, even though she wore her usual baggy clothes when going to classes. Every day she spent time in the morning learning to apply makeup, and even trying out some hair styles she could manage without the help of others. By the time Brian was ready to meet with her she had grown skilled enough with both to try something new every day.
The only problem was that she didn’t like how she looked with makeup or different hairstyles, and none of it seemed to improve her appearance any more than the simple way she did her hair or the makeup she was most comfortable with. She also found herself thinking it strange that she enjoyed doing these things so much, but felt unhappy with the results.
She shrugged off the nagging feelings as a side effect of wearing the MP3 player for too long while she slept.
“I don’t really think I’m getting anywhere,” Casey complained to Brian. He had wanted to see what kind of results his program was having, but so far their meeting hadn’t gone very well.
Casey knew the Feminist Film Studies textbook backwards and forwards, but she couldn’t put together an argument that satisfied her professor or fellow students. She found the material easier to understand, but harder to learn than ever before. Something was holding her back, and she didn’t understand why.
“Are you sure you’re using the program as much as possible?” Brian asked her for the third time in as many minutes.
“Of course! I listen all day. I even use it to fall asleep at night.”
“What about when you’re working? Are you actually paying attention, or are you just playing with your phone under the desk? Have you ever taken it to class with you? When was the last time you read any of the material without the sound distracting you?”
Casey tried to remember if she had ever done any of those things. “I’m paying attention to the class – it’s important! Besides, my classmates already think I’m a nut for taking this class instead of something practical, like law or nursing, so I can’t even ask them questions.”
Casey realized too late that this line of reasoning wasn’t supporting her case. Instead it sounded like she was talking herself into using the program instead of explaining why Lisa should think differently.
“Maybe we can watch some of these feminist films together,” Lisa said with a laugh. “They might turn me into a slut too!”
The girls both laughed as Casey ordered another round of drinks. They stayed at the bar long into the evening. Casey ended up going home with a guy from one of the other tables and left her friend laughing over how many guys Casey could hook up with while still thinking of it as “feminist”.
After fucking him silly, Casey went back to the bathroom to clean herself up and take off her makeup. Her body felt energized, almost electric, like she had a power inside of her that wasn’t being released. She thought maybe next time she would let herself orgasm instead of pleasing her partner. Or maybe both.
“Next time will be even better,” Casey told herself happily. She wondered what Brian would think if he could see her now. He hadn’t seen her since she started using his MP3 player, and she hoped that the changes in her appearance were positive enough for him to appreciate.
As she washed her face Casey wondered about Amanda, who Brian said was also using his program. Maybe she should go visit Amanda and see if she needed help. It was obvious to Casey how much better their lives were now, and she wanted everyone else to have a chance at the same enlightenment.
Casey fell asleep wondering where she should go after school tomorrow. She had never been to Amanda’s apartment, but knew she lived on the north side of campus, and remembered that she often ate lunch near the theater building.
In class, Casey struggled to stay focused. It was hard because she didn’t know the material, but she wasn’t entirely sure if that was the problem. In some part of her mind it felt like she understood the material but couldn’t formulate the thought clearly enough to answer questions or respond to anything Professor Baxter was saying. It was especially bad when the professor asked the girls to break into smaller groups to discuss topics from the book.
At one point there was a long string of questions aimed at Casey. She managed to bluster her way through, but it wasn’t clear if she was right or wrong, even to herself. The group members stared at each other in silence for a moment before they moved on to a new topic.
Professor Baxter approached the group after class ended. “Casey, you seem distracted lately.”
The girl bit her lip.
“This can be a tough course for students. It’s very important to do the reading, and it helps if you take detailed notes and discuss your thoughts with your classmates. If you need any help catching up, let me know.”
“Yes, Professor Baxter,” Casey replied, feeling sheepish.
Professor Baxter continued, “how are things going with your short film project? Have you settled on a story or subject yet?”
Casey nodded, but waited for their professor to finish.
“And which film will you be screening at our end-of-term event? Or do we need to start planning an art exhibition instead?”
The question caused the entire room to burst into laughter. Casey didn’t like that. Professor Baxter’s questions made her feel defensive. She wasn’t making a joke; she actually intended to turn in a blank slate or nothing at all as her term project. It was just an empty formality to screen something – why couldn’t she submit a clip of a white sheet with a title slide with “THE END” displayed on it?
Casey considered this idea for a moment. That would make the point perfectly – the film itself was inconsequential, so why not put absolutely no effort in? It wasn’t much different from doing a half-ass job where nothing important got done.
“What about your story? Did you ever give the concept a second thought?”
Again, another snicker around the room. Casey tried to look annoyed, but couldn’t quite bring herself to pull it off.
Professor Baxter looked at the girls sitting next to Casey and asked, “would you two mind joining in?”
Both girls shook their heads quickly. “Sorry,” one responded, “we don’t have enough time left in our break to contribute.”
“Please,” Professor Baxter pressed on, “I’d really love to hear your thoughts.”
After a few moments the girl reluctantly answered, “it just seemed kind of… I don’t know… mean spirited?”
Professor Baxter’s heart skipped a beat. The girl said nothing else, so Professor Baxter pushed further. “How would you say that?”
The girl shrugged, as if the answer were obvious. “When you use humor it always feels like you’re making fun of someone, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.”
The bell rang, startling Professor Baxter out of her contemplative stupor. When had it gotten to be last period already? The final students shuffled out of her classroom and Professor Baxter sat behind her desk thinking about her students’ comments.
Her feelings were complicated. She felt disappointed by Casey’s story about learning, especially since it seemed unlikely to be true. She felt a pang of regret when the young man explained how her comments made him uncomfortable. Finally, she felt anger towards her students and her colleagues.
If this had been any other class – English Lit, Philosophy, Psychology – students would have offered insights and critiques and engaged her on her ideas. Her Feminist Film Studies classes were mostly empty drones parroting back buzzwords and phrases without understanding them. She didn’t even know why so few girls signed up for the class any longer. She knew that many of her colleagues and most of the students disapproved of the curriculum, but she figured if they were taking the class they could at least participate and engage in discussions.
Still, Professor Baxter resolved to pay closer attention to the language she used in her class. If there was any chance that something she had done might have caused real discomfort for one of her male students, she owed it to them and their education to take steps to prevent a recurrence.
She still remembered what it was like to be in college. The men there made her feel so uncomfortable that she dropped out to marry her boyfriend. When she returned to school as a mature student she made sure to only apply to schools with female-dominated demographics. She never wanted any young women to experience that kind of pain.
Her phone beeped to notify her that Brian had arrived at her office. He said he wanted to discuss her progress before meeting after classes on Monday to show him her notes for her short film proposal.
Professor Baxter went down to meet him at the administrative offices, expecting an eager but professional conversation about how best to help her with his technology. When she saw him her heart skipped a beat: Brian looked hot!
Brian smiled at Professor Baxter as she approached. His dimples were cute, and the way his white teeth stood out against his darker skin was striking. Brian’s blue eyes seemed bright, even though he wasn’t looking directly at her. Casey found herself blushing when his gaze fell on her.
Casey swallowed hard when they met up. She wondered if maybe Brian was hitting on her. Did she want him to hit on her? It was so hard to tell…
“Come up to my office,” Professor Baxter instructed tersely.
“Am I in trouble?” Brian joked, “if so I’d rather have this conversation here in front of your witnesses.”
“It’s just the three of us now. There was no one else around a few minutes ago.”
Brian nodded and picked up his glass to follow Professor Baxter out. Casey grabbed her own beer and hurried after them.
They all went up the stairs together and Professor Baxter led them to the back corner of the building and into an unmarked door. Inside it looked like an old janitorial storage closet that had been cleaned out and used as a makeshift office. There were stacks of papers on one table, a computer set up on a rickety desk, and an empty box in the corner. The wall was covered with photographs and thumbtacks connected by pieces of string.
“So this is your evil lair?” Brian asked when they were all inside and the door was closed. “This is where you plot world domination? Do you have minions? When do we get to meet the boss?”
“That’s exactly what I wanted to talk to you two about,” Professor Baxter said with excitement. “What do you two know about transhumanism?”
Brian nodded slowly, looking interested. Casey didn’t recognize the term at all. She shook her head to indicate she didn’t understand.
“Transhumanists are people who believe in the future,” Professor Baxter tried to explain. “We see how science is changing our world every day, and we think these changes will lead us to something greater. The way people think about gender has always changed throughout history, so in the next iteration of humanity we think that concepts of gender will no longer exist. Sex will still exist because sex is the genetic code passed down from parent to offspring, but there will be no ‘male’ or ‘female’ – just a spectrum of differences on which individuals are categorized.”
“How does this relate to transhumanism?” Brian asked. He sipped his beer casually, looking at Professor Baxter like he was only mildly interested in her answer.
“This relates to transhumanism,” Professor Baxter replied emphatically, “because the transgender movement shows how people can take control over their own gender. If they want to identify as male, even if the genetic information indicates they’re female, that’s perfectly acceptable to most people in our culture now. And yet…”
“And yet…?” Casey repeated expectantly.
“And yet society refuses to acknowledge that the reverse is also true. If someone identifies as female genetically, and wants to take steps to change that…”
Brian interrupted, “are you talking about people who go on hormone treatments or get surgery?”
Professor Baxter waved dismissively at his question. “That’s trivial stuff. Some people think those are important, but they miss the point entirely. Society treats women as inferior, so changing the plumbing doesn’t really make anyone equal unless we start treating women the same as men.
“This is why we focus on social gender and not biological sex when analyzing films,” Professor Baxter lectured, her fingers fiddling with a pen. She wore a bright pink dress shirt under her usual tweed blazer. “Some male critics say our analyses are misandrist. And yet, despite our constant efforts to make sure our analyses aren’t anti-male, there is still this backlash from some men who claim we hate them. Why are they so afraid of being analyzed by us?”
She looked into the crowd, waiting for a response from any of her students. When no answer was forthcoming she continued, “we all need to examine ourselves to root out these tendencies – everyone needs to watch their own language for biases and look for hidden reasons behind their beliefs. This is why I encourage my female students to use their studies as opportunities to analyze themselves. It may seem self-centered, but we can never understand gender if we don’t first understand ourselves.”
There were nods and murmured affirmatives from the students. Casey raised her hand before asking, “Professor Baxter? Would you agree that analyzing oneself can have side effects like analyzing movies can have side effects? Does that make it bad?”
Professor Baxter narrowed her eyes as she tried to decide if this was a trap or if Casey was genuinely asking a question. Finally she decided, “if you see your opinions changing while you study then it can lead to doubts and a reluctance to fully commit to your beliefs. We must hold to our analysis no matter what we might think in private! Otherwise, how will we ever change the world?”
Casey nodded, although privately she wasn’t sure. Something about those words seemed wrong to her, but she still couldn’t quite articulate her thinking clearly enough to explain her misgivings. Instead, she smiled as she asked, “and this is why we use the scientific method for analysis? Because when someone tries to disprove us they are just providing data to refine our thinking?”
Professor Baxter clasped her hands in front of her body. Her mouth stretched into a broad, approving smile that gave Casey a warm, pleasant feeling.
“And this is why it’s so important that we keep working hard in this class!” Professor Baxter lectured the group. “Feminism isn’t going to save itself!”
There were giggles from her students and some light applause.
Over the next month Brian’s program helped Casey grasp the theory and terminology needed to survive her Feminist Film Studies class. More than just knowledge, the program helped shape her understanding. It started to become intuitive to her – she started to realize how she hadn’t seen something before and how blind she was not to understand these truths until now.
Brian visited a few times while she studied, eager to see how his program was progressing. Casey told him all about it, explaining the breakthroughs and new insights she was having. His only reaction was to frown slightly when she shared some of her thoughts, and he didn’t respond with much interest as he looked over her homework assignments.
Casey also tried on various versions of a feminism wardrobe. She wore makeup, but she stopped dressing in slacks and formless tops. Instead, she began wearing blouses with plunging necklines and tight fitting dresses. When Lisa teased her about showing off too much cleavage, Casey responded that her feminism made her feel free to dress however she wanted to, which was true.
Her body had begun to fill out slowly, starting with the breasts that were now D-cups instead of c-cups. Her once firm, small ass was softer and rounder, but still firm, and her hips were broader while remaining slim and athletic. Her skin tone cleared up and developed a natural glow to it, making it appear almost perfect. The black hair that hung in a lank and disorganized mop around her shoulders had turned smooth, shiny, and naturally wavy. Casey found herself wondering if her eyes used to be so pale before, or whether their color had gotten brighter since she had started listening to Brian’s audio program.
One night Brian came over and watched TV with Casey while she listened to the programming. She was surprised when he pulled out headphones and put them in his ears. After watching TV in silence for a few minutes, he pulled one of the buds from his ear and asked, “you want to watch something?”
Casey looked at Brian like he was crazy. He returned an awkward smile and pointed to her. It wasn’t until then that Casey noticed that she was rocking gently back and forth as she listened to the noise in her headphones.
“Oh,” Casey stammered as she lowered the volume. “Sorry about that.”
“That’s ok,” Brian responded. He turned on the TV and clicked through a few menus to find a video on-demand service.
Casey smiled as he picked out an action movie. While most Feminist Film Studies students were avoiding these types of films in solidarity with their female peers, Casey found herself excited to see a big muscular guy punching bad guys to rescue the helpless young girl that he inevitably fell in love with.
In the first fifteen minutes of the movie she counted at least seven examples of sexual objectification of women, but she found herself thinking about it very differently. Instead of finding herself indignant and upset, she was surprised to discover that she was aroused. She knew that her reaction wasn’t natural – it was a learned response – but that only made it seem more exciting.
“Want a drink?” she asked Brian as the credits rolled.
“No thanks. That stuff doesn’t agree with me.”
“Oh yeah. That makes sense,” Casey replied with an understanding nod. The noise she listened to didn’t agree with her either.
After Casey ordered a beer she sat back down. Brian slid into the seat next to her so he could lean in close and speak in a low voice. “You’re starting to understand better now, aren’t you?”
“I am!” Casey answered excitedly. “Some of it still feels wrong or bad or like I shouldn’t want it, but I get it.”
Brian nodded. “It’s going well. But you need to listen closer. You can go farther than where we are now. You should be doing everything you can to learn my program more quickly.”
“But there’s nothing faster than subliminal learning! If there was a faster way then everyone would use it.”
“Well… maybe there is,” Brian replied thoughtfully, his mind drifting to ideas and plans as he absent-mindedly rubbed his crotch through his pants.
Casey shifted in her chair, feeling uncomfortably aroused. She crossed her arms in front of herself.
“So, Casey…” Brian said suggestively, leaning back and smiling, “did you invite me here to hang out with your friends at the bar, or do you want to get started?”
Casey took a deep breath. She had almost hoped that she could put this part off indefinitely. Now that she knew how excited she got when she saw hot girls on the street, she wasn’t sure she was ready to face the reality that she might find Brian physically appealing. It felt… unnatural, and wrong, and…
She shook the thought from her mind. The MP3 player wasn’t working fast enough to free her completely from her preconceptions. She decided she’d have to make the best of a bad situation until Brian finished her program.
“We can go if you like,” Casey said, trying hard not to let her reluctance show. “There’s a hotel nearby.”
“Let’s do it,” Brian answered without hesitation.
They stood up and grabbed their jackets. “Are you sure you guys have time?” Lisa asked them suspiciously. “You seem to be in a hurry.”
“We are, kind of,” Casey confessed. “Brian is a film student too, and he’s going to teach me how to act on camera so I don’t look awkward in my film project.”
Brian put his arm around Casey. “And I’ve decided she could use an acting coach too, since she’s also working behind the camera.”
The girls exited the bar and started walking quickly toward the hotel. Brian had both arms around Casey as she walked with him. Lisa rolled her eyes, then ran after her friends when they hurried away.
When they reached their destination Casey paid for the room for three nights. The receptionist handed her a keycard and asked her if she needed anything else, but she didn’t quite hear the question. She gave the woman a blank stare until Brian took the key card out of her hand, thanked the receptionist, and led them toward the elevator.
Brian was kissing Casey passionately as they reached the room. Lisa shook her head and rolled her eyes again as she opened the door. Casey’s lips were red from the lipstick and she had Brian’s saliva smeared across her face, but she barely seemed to notice or care. She just giggled and playfully pushed Brian away.
He turned to address Lisa and gestured to the bed, “I’d love for us all to get on the bed so we can fuck and I can see Casey act on camera.” He pulled the camera from his backpack.
“No fucking way, dude!” Lisa objected. She turned to Casey, who still seemed disoriented and confused. “Casey! What the fuck? You brought me here to make a porno with that dweeby guy?”
Casey shook her head. She opened her mouth, but before she could respond Brian spoke up, “don’t worry, I’ve been teaching Casey about acting for the last few weeks.”
Casey shrugged uncomfortably. Lisa scoffed loudly. “Teaching her about acting? Did you put another brainwashing tape into your MP3 player and stick it back in her ear? Did you convince her that letting you watch us while you jerk off is how actors hone their craft?”
Brian scowled. Casey spoke up, “this is why I didn’t want to tell you! You’re just going to jump to conclusions about me.”
Brian looked around and saw a woman nearby. He spoke up in a clear voice, “oh my god, Lisa! Have you met Amanda? I think you guys would really get along.”
Lisa rolled her eyes and turned back to Casey. “Why are we even friends with this douchebag? Did he brainwash you into that too?”
The question struck a nerve. Casey frowned as she considered the answer. Why were they still friends? Lisa was right, he was just a guy who watched them masturbate. And maybe a couple of times, with their permission, got to touch their feet. But Casey could barely remember ever having an actual conversation with him – he only called when he needed something from her or Lisa, and sometimes she wondered how she was supposed to give him what he wanted since she wasn’t sure if he knew what it was himself.
Brian put his hand on Casey’s knee, snapping her out of her contemplation. She pushed his hand away without thinking, then shot him a dirty look.
“Hey, c’mon,” Brian complained. He gestured down the table to where the rest of his friends sat with Lisa. “We’ve all been looking forward to getting to know you!”
Casey looked at them skeptically, wondering if it would have been better for Lisa and Casey to take a table by themselves. They weren’t exactly dressed up for a night out at a bar. Lisa’s long brown hair had a thick braid on one side, while her shoulder-length locks on the other were gathered into a loose pony tail, held together with a simple black hair-band. She wore a white T-shirt with a cartoon cat wearing goggles stitched across the front and ripped blue jeans that seemed more casual than fashionable. Her small breasts and slim figure made the shirt fit awkwardly.
The group’s guys were a little older, and were clearly more interested in meeting Lisa or their other female friends. Two were grad students while one was finishing his doctorate and Brian had just gotten his Ph.D. They had the sort of academic jobs that Casey knew were going to pay student loans while not being great for making money. One of them taught classes part time while doing research on something to do with astrophysics. Another wrote computer programs while teaching classes in mathematics. The third was an assistant professor who had spent a few years tutoring undergrads at the university before moving up. They each came from a different department of the sciences.
Lisa leaned over to Casey. “Ok, if we’re really going to try this, can I get us a couple drinks?”
Casey gave her an approving smile, although she didn’t fully understand what it was about.
Soon after that, it became clear that Casey had never heard of the game “Never have I ever”. A half-hour later they were laughing too loud and talking even louder than that. Casey could tell she had almost certainly drunk more than Lisa by several times. Lisa looked at her phone and announced she needed to leave or she’d be late for work.
As they said their goodbyes, Lisa leaned into Casey, kissed her on the cheek, and whispered, “thanks for coming out. Don’t study too hard now, ok?”
“Thanks! I mean for inviting me. I’m going home,” Casey replied enthusiastically as Lisa headed down the street. “Wait! Aren’t you worried about walking alone at night? Alone… unaccompanied…”
Casey fished her cell phone out of her purse to call for a cab. When she saw the time displayed on her phone she almost dropped it. She had an hour to get across campus to meet Brian!
As she walked out the door to call a taxi she realized she had two major problems – one was her dress, or lack thereof. She was wearing short jean shorts that showed off her slim legs, a black tank top that ended well before her waist line, and her black hoodie zipped open enough to show off her modest cleavage. As she started to run through the darkened streets toward campus she wondered why she had dressed this way. Her feet were pinched in uncomfortable heels instead of practical flats.
The other problem she found herself thinking about while she ran was where to find a cab at this time of night on campus. Casey realized with dismay that there wouldn’t be many around during midterms week, with so many students needing them late at night to get back home.
“C’mon!” Casey groaned in frustration, holding onto her chest as she doubled over to catch her breath. She felt exhausted from running three blocks already.
A car rolled by slowly and she waved to flag it down, but it didn’t stop.
Casey could feel tears streaming down her cheeks in frustration and humiliation.
Then she saw her phone and pulled it out of her pocket. She opened the Uber app on her phone and ordered a ride. She felt ashamed for not thinking of the easy solution sooner, but she was happy to see that there was a driver only seven minutes away.
Casey sat on a bench to wait, catching her breath and checking her makeup. As she dabbed at the corners of her eyes, Casey considered why she hadn’t just called a taxi as she normally would have. In her moment of crisis she had immediately thought about an alternative that she normally wouldn’t have considered. Her brain still seemed foggy.
She heard her phone ding and looked at the screen. The car was there and waiting for her. She walked up and the driver opened his door. She stood at the car door and smiled, but when the man stepped out Casey hesitated. He was wearing dark clothes, mostly black. The hood from his hoodie was pulled over his head, but she could tell his hair was blond. He was wearing a ski mask pulled down around his neck.
“Hi there, I’m here for Casey! Is that you?” The man asked with a warm smile. He pushed the door shut and offered his hand. “I’m Dave. You ordered an Uber, right?”
“Yeah… I guess that must be me,” she responded, her voice quiet and hesitant.
“I’m guessing you’ve never ridden in an Uber before, am I right?”
Casey shook her head ‘no’ shyly.
“No problem. First ride is free, courtesy of the Uber company. So we can take our time getting there if you want.”
“Oh,” she smiled, seeming slightly less nervous. “Ok.”
Dave gestured toward the passenger seat and then waited for her to climb inside. Casey looked over the car as she got in. It looked like any car she might find on the road, except that everything was spotless. Not a wrapper or spare set of keys in sight. No random clutter on the floor, no smell of fast food. Even his dashboard had been cleaned until it gleamed.
“What happened to your other car? Did this one replace it?”
“Not exactly,” Dave responded with an unsettlingly broad grin. “The cops busted it for drugs two days ago. The drug bust made the news and the whole world will know by tomorrow.”
“What kind of drugs?” Casey asked skeptically.
Dave gave a noncommittal shrug. “Drugs.”
“Well…” Casey faltered. “You said you only deal for recreational purposes, so that sounds like drugs that could be prescribed to patients on a regular basis.”
Dave smiled and shook his head. “You don’t seem like the type that would want to smoke weed. If that’s what you’re after…”
“No,” Casey interrupted him, waving a hand. “Not now. Just let me know when you can get it to me. If it’s all legal, right?”
Dave smiled and shrugged. After a moment he asked, “are you doing anything now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Right now, I mean.”
“Oh… um, no…”
“I was thinking we could hang out now, but later we could smoke some. Get you loosened up. You seem really uptight.”
Casey considered this offer. “Ok, sure. My place is nearby.”
“All right then,” Dave responded with a big smile.
“All right then,” echoed Casey quietly to herself after Dave left.
Dave arrived at Casey’s apartment in less than twenty minutes. Casey met him at the door and took a plastic baggie from him that contained a half pound of grass.
“Where should I put it?” he asked as Casey let him in the door.
“Oh, um…” Casey floundered. Her apartment wasn’t exactly clean – there were textbooks, notebooks, clothes, makeup, and other bits of garbage scattered everywhere. There were a few dishes piled in the sink, and some random papers on her countertops.
“In here,” Casey said quickly as she led him to the living room. She tossed most of a load of dirty laundry onto the floor to clear some space for him. A pair of lacey red panties caught his eye as he set his equipment down.
“Sorry, it’s a mess,” she mumbled apologetically.
“So what do you need it for?” Brian asked curiously as he set up. “Amanda never explained how this helped her.”
Casey blushed a bit. “Well, the class doesn’t fit my interests very well. Like you said, we could make better films than the kinds of boring movies our teacher likes. Our last project is to write a film for her, based around something she teaches, and I’m going to go in a different direction so that I can learn what’s important to me.”
Brian nodded in understanding. “You’re writing your own script, are you? I might be able to help with that.” He turned toward Casey, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, and raised his eyebrows suggestively.
Casey shifted uncomfortably in her chair, then stood up quickly. “Do you want anything to drink? I’m getting a drink. Or something.”
“I’m good,” Brian replied cheerfully.
Casey returned from the kitchen a few minutes later with a glass of wine, and sat down again across from Brian. She picked up her phone, then set it down with a puzzled expression. She repeated this process several times while they talked.
Brian watched Casey as he pretended to listen intently to whatever she was rambling about. She looked so innocent and pretty that he thought he might be able to get off with her without even hypnotizing her, although the idea of being subtle wasn’t his first choice. He couldn’t help wondering if he could do more for her than just teach her feminism. Maybe he could make her into a better person.
He’d helped a couple of friends over the years by modifying their behaviors and attitudes. They were all girls he met on campus, and they were all hot nerds like Amanda and Casey. Some of them wanted to be “fixed”, and some of them didn’t know what they were getting themselves into, but they all wound up happier. Most of them wound up much happier, although none of them seemed as happy as Amanda and Casey.
After seeing how his modifications worked out with these friends of his, and doing some independent research on cognitive science, he became interested in how the techniques could be combined to produce mind control. The results had been mixed so far, although nothing disastrous yet. He was working on developing something he felt would be stable.
Amanda was still a test subject for him, but he considered Casey to be his first successful project. With Amanda and his other friends he just gave them suggestions while hypnosis was used to put them into the right state of mind to accept those suggestions. Casey, on the other hand, received more extensive behavioral modifications with long term effects built in. She needed a couple weeks to acclimate and grow accustomed to her new instincts and drives, but then she would no longer be able to think or behave in her old ways.
He expected that, after tonight, she wouldn’t be able to recognize those drives existed anymore. If she even realized why she behaved differently it would only be as an abstract concept. And now it was time to see if he was right.
Brian was going to be disappointed with Casey’s movie, he just knew it. She said she intended to make an “action adventure story with badass women that men would enjoy watching”. Instead, after weeks of preparation, she came up with a story about how women are all part of a patriarchal social conspiracy and they’re always plotting against each other because they can’t escape from societal expectations and their natural rivalry with each other. The only positive aspect was that he didn’t have a speaking role – all of the women were interchangeable – so his acting skills wouldn’t embarrass him.
The movie would get Casey a passing grade at least, Brian thought, but the rest of the girls would surely see through the weak narrative. Brian suspected that there would be consequences for Casey. When Professor Baxter gave everyone an F because most students failed to demonstrate a grasp of the feminist critique and all had poor attendance, Casey wouldn’t take it well.
The worst part about the movie was that Casey wanted it to be sexy. She asked Brian if he could help her come up with sex scenes for her characters to shoot each other with. She said she intended to get her camera person to dress like a man to play opposite her actresses so nobody would find anything gay about the film. Her idea seemed misguided to Brian. She wasn’t very specific about the type of sexy scene she wanted to include, but Brian doubted it was something he could provide. He told her he would look into it.
Brian decided not to tell Casey that she could change her clothes or put on makeup anytime she wanted without having to do so because “society expected it” or “because feminism made her”. Nor did he feel the need to point out that the only people who disapproved of her style were other women who happened to have similar taste. It felt like the kind of thing she should work out for herself – he didn’t want to spoil her fun or derail her current process.
He wasn’t even sure she would listen. After he first delivered her MP3 player, Casey stopped responding to emails from him unless they were specifically about the program. The last message he got from her had thanked him and then told him not to contact her except when absolutely necessary until their deal was fulfilled. He was fine with that: he didn’t need any distractions in his life either.
While she was shooting her scenes, Casey found her eyes wandering towards the cameras or off into the distance. Sometimes she even looked over at Brian instead of her actresses, who she usually ignored.
She couldn’t help herself. Casey felt like she just needed a little bit of stimulation to clear her mind, but she couldn’t seem to focus on the task at hand. Her mind would go blank, then snap back into place every few minutes, but it never seemed to stay on the issue at hand. She started making more and more mistakes on simple tasks, like calling a camera operator by the wrong name or not remembering lines during takes.
“Cut!” She would yell after each mistake. “I’m sorry. I need a minute.” Then Casey would take a deep breath and try to focus.
“This isn’t working,” one of the actresses declared in annoyance after yet another cut.
Casey sighed. “Maybe we should break for lunch.”
“What’s the matter?” Brian asked Casey when he found her sitting alone outside.
Casey explained, “it doesn’t feel right. Even when I tell myself that I’m only going along with it because you insisted and the class makes it necessary, I don’t believe it.”
Brian smiled patiently at Casey. He had never met anyone so neurotic. “Do you want my help or not?”
“Yes! Yes, I really do,” Casey replied, looking at Brian with wide eyes. “But how?”
“Just let me deal with the girls, you keep doing whatever you can.”
Casey pouted slightly. “They think you’re creepy.”
“Who?”
“All of them!” Casey replied. “Except for the freshmen, who think you’re cute. You’re not making a good first impression.”
Brian frowned. He was wearing casual clothes, and had left his glasses behind in favor of contacts. He wasn’t trying to impress anyone, he wanted the students to accept him. Still, none of them seemed willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“Why don’t we hang out somewhere together? We could meet here for lunch tomorrow, or go to the museum sometime.”
Casey nodded thoughtfully. “Those are all good ideas, actually. Maybe not lunch: they already resent me for working closely with Professor Baxter when I’m a junior. But yeah, I’d love to hang out with you socially. I’ll tell the others about it after our little meeting today. You can bring any friends you’d like – the more the merrier.”
Brian felt surprised at how easily she was including him as an equal member of the group, rather than just a friend that she had brought to their outing. It occurred to Brian that Casey might only think of him as an ally and partner against Professor Baxter, rather than someone with whom she desired romantic entanglements. The idea was disappointing, but he would accept it if it meant being treated as one of the girls by his peers.
Casey glanced over her shoulder and gave Brian a warm smile. His heart jumped and his stomach felt like it was floating as Casey returned her attention to Lisa. It seemed almost too good to be true. He didn’t just have the respect of one pretty girl, he was being welcomed into their tribe!
Casey started talking about plans for future girls nights. Brian knew that the girls often talked late into the night after a girls’ night out, so he wondered if there was anything he could do to encourage them to stay together longer.
Brian pulled out his phone and typed a quick email. As soon as it showed as read, Casey took out her phone to check the message. She quickly put it away and continued talking to Lisa about a local feminist group they were thinking of starting.
“It’s important to make a connection to our community, and I think that the university Feminist Alliance isn’t meeting everyone’s needs,” Casey explained. “Besides, even with this additional study material it’s taking me more time than I’d hoped to get a handle on the subject. So I need all of your help, now more than ever.”
They shared a long hug, and then Casey left the bar. Brian walked right behind her, unseen by anyone but the two of them.
“Hey,” Brian said quietly when they reached an alley. “That went really well.”
Casey jumped back at first, then recognized him. “You scared me! You should go home and come back here – I don’t want the others seeing us together.”
“I don’t think they’re watching closely enough to notice. They’re too into each other’s asses.”
“We have plans,” she explained curtly. “I met Lisa earlier today, and she told me to bring a few friends for girls’ night at our favorite club.”
Brian raised an eyebrow.
“Not like that!” Casey chastised him. “It’s just a fun dance party with some lesbian porn playing over the speakers.”
Brian shrugged. “Sounds hot.”
“Anyway, are you sure she didn’t notice anything?” Casey changed the subject.
“No. Her last girl friends were both tall, blond and big titted. I got us some seats in their section, so they could stare at her rack instead of looking anywhere else.”
“And she didn’t act or sound weird?”
“She talked differently,” Brian replied. “Her voice sounded deeper and more confident. And she moved differently. Before it looked like she wanted to fold in on herself and make herself invisible.”
Casey nodded. That did seem to match how she felt about herself before this semester. She had always thought she was shy, but she hadn’t realized until now that she was also deeply ashamed of being a woman. She hated feeling ashamed of what made her unique, but the solution seemed obvious.
“Yeah, but none of that seems unusual or weird,” Amanda replied, turning away from Brian to roll her eyes at Lisa.
Casey turned back to Lisa, eager to change the topic. “Are we going out after this?”
“What?” Lisa asked, confused by the non sequitur.
“I know this club has a ladies night tonight. We can watch porn and dance, and I can see if anyone wants to give us any free drinks,” Casey proposed.
“Wow. Casey, what’s wrong with you?” Lisa stood up and backed away from their table. “We’re meeting our friends for drinks, not… whatever this is.”
“Sorry,” Casey apologized hastily. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Is there something I did wrong?”
Lisa shook her head in disbelief.
“Look, why don’t you call Brian?” she suggested, pulling out her phone. “He can explain what happened. It’s better coming from him than from me, and he might even want to buy us a round.”
Casey dialed his number and sat silently while the phone rang. When he answered she said, “Hi! Brian?” Her tone was so cheery that even she thought she sounded insincere.
“Casey?” Brian asked over the line.
“Could you come down to the club?” She felt nervous when he hesitated, so she quickly added, “I really need your help explaining some things. Like, as soon as possible, please?”
Brian agreed without protest. He said he’d be there in fifteen minutes or less and hung up.
When Casey turned back to Lisa her expression had grown concerned. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on here?”
Casey laughed nervously again, looking anywhere but at her friend.
“Who was that? What did you ask them to help you with?”
“Well, I…” Casey tried to deflect and found that she couldn’t. It took her a few seconds to figure out what the problem was: she simply lacked the capacity to lie to Lisa. That seemed so strange, because she could easily tell Amanda or any number of random strangers she met, but she was unable to fib to her oldest friend. She decided to come clean. “I’m trying to pass Feminist Film Studies,” Casey finally admitted.
“So who was that guy you said would help? Why’s he into all this?”
“It’s actually the same guy I got the tapes from. I asked him to help me after… well, after we met and I found out he wasn’t interested in Amanda or you. I didn’t think there’d be anything wrong with it, but it’s turned out kind of creepy. He’s been sending me pictures of porn stars with my face photoshopped onto them. It seems like his thing is fucking ugly women, because most of these chicks are gross. Here, look.” Casey pulled out her phone and opened up the message app. “Is my face really that round?”
Lisa leaned forward to examine the image on the phone. After a moment she shook her head. “Maybe when your hair is up like this,” she replied while tapping her finger against the screen. “But no, not usually. What you really should worry about is these wrinkles around your eyes. Maybe get a moisturizer.”
“Right? And why do they give me fake freckles here?” Casey zoomed in on the picture to focus on the woman’s face. She was bent over with a dick going into her pussy and another one in her mouth.
“Oh hey! She does kind of look like you!”
“You’re right!” Casey exclaimed. “And I would definitely let guys fuck me at the same time.” Casey started reading the description out loud, “‘After sucking cocks in a bathroom, Casey got fucked so hard that she can barely walk, let alone clean up these filthy cocks after being used by our entire staff…’ wow that’s kind of weird, isn’t it?”
“Kind of, yeah. Hey Casey, this is all kinda…” Lisa seemed to be grasping for the right word. “Are you feeling ok? Are you doing drugs or something?”
“What? No. It’s just my learning material.”
“Does Amanda know about your new fetish? Is that what you guys do when you go home together?”
“I… she knows about it. We don’t really talk about it because it sounds crazy to tell people who aren’t into science fiction.”
“You know you’re starting to sound like a conspiracy nut, right?”
“How am I talking about studying harder and wearing makeup like I’m Alex Jones?” Casey objected.
“Hey Casey! There you are!” The familiar voice startled Casey out of her argument with Lisa. She turned to see Brian, grinning. “Are we ready to get started on that project?” he asked excitedly.
“Already?” Casey sounded annoyed by Brian’s interruption of her conversation.
“It can wait if you’re busy,” Brian replied, trying not to sound sullen. He glanced at Lisa and seemed to be noticing her for the first time. “Hey, I remember you! From the bar on move-in day.”
“Oh yeah. Brian. It’s been a while,” Lisa said with a polite smile.
Casey turned back to her friend. “I think I do need to get going with this thing tonight. We can finish our drinks and talk about…” she paused to gesture vaguely, “whatever you wanted to talk about some other time.”
Brian grabbed his own drink from the bar and walked off with Casey before Lisa could object.
The two of them went to a cafe where they could get some privacy, although it was too loud to try to actually have a conversation over the background noise. They sat down to coffee across from one another at a little table.
“I think your friend doesn’t like me very much,” Brian observed.
“Why would you say that? I’ve only mentioned you to her a few times.”
“Exactly,” Lisa retorted as if that settled the point.
“And anyway, my friend likes you. That should count for something.”
Brian laughed politely, but seemed nervous about Lisa’s apparent dislike. He turned his attention back to Casey. “Ok, so talk me through what you’re learning in Feminist Film Studies.”
“The first couple weeks were kind of awful. Every time I started trying to read the material Professor Baxter used I got confused, so I kept thinking I couldn’t do the coursework and I might fail out of this class.
“So then I thought: if you have to use certain tools in math, why wouldn’t film production sometimes call for tools you normally wouldn’t expect?” Brian nodded encouragingly and Casey continued, “so I asked my friend who’s into video game design stuff if he knew anything that helped students absorb difficult academic topics faster. He suggested something called ‘Brainwave’ which turns academic texts into sounds that aren’t meant for conscious human minds to understand.”
“But,” Lisa interrupted, “what does the sound actually say?”
Casey shrugged. “Something about patriarchy or gender essentialism or sexual objectification. Those are buzzwords they like to throw around.”
Lisa nodded as if she understood, but still looked concerned. “And what do they have to say about wearing eye makeup when you go to the bar?”
“Oh, nothing about that,” Casey answered easily. “We talk about things like gender performativity, but nobody expects you not to put on some makeup when you go out to see friends at a bar.”
“Ok,” Lisa said, although she still seemed uncertain.
“In fact…” Casey added before trailing off. “Wait… where were we?”
“Um… we were talking about your classes and how you might not fail this semester and graduate on time like we planned.”
“No!” Casey insisted, feeling oddly agitated. “We weren’t talking about that!”
Lisa leaned away from Casey, clearly surprised by her vehemence. Casey took a deep breath and composed herself.
“I was going to say that my feminism class also talks about the sexual objectification of women and how patriarchal values dictate female standards of beauty. They were arguing that wearing eye makeup is an act of compliance to a male-imposed standard.”
“You’re saying eye makeup helps us think?” Lisa asked incredulously.
Casey giggled and blushed slightly. “Well… yeah.” She ran a hand through her hair, suddenly feeling conscious of the attention she was drawing to herself. “Not specifically about eye makeup, I guess. But makeup overall.”
“Huh,” Lisa replied thoughtfully. “That makes as much sense as anything else I’ve heard about Feminist Film Studies. You should introduce your professor to Professor Baxter so we can finally see what happens when two equally crazy people meet.”
“Oh, that’s a great idea! They would love each other!” Casey clapped excitedly as she pictured the two women together. “I can’t wait for them to meet.”
The girls enjoyed some small talk, but Casey excused herself after an hour or so. Lisa watched as Casey strutted out of the bar in her oversized sweater and jeans with her newfound confidence. Something was weird, but she wasn’t sure she cared enough to dig any deeper.
Brian opened the door with a scowl on his face. Casey didn’t hesitate to enter when he stepped aside to let her pass. Brian shut and locked the door behind him while Casey took off her coat and laid it carefully over a chair. When she turned back to see where Brian was, he was practically on top of her, backing her against the wall.
Casey tried to stammer an explanation, but found herself too embarrassed to get out anything coherent.
“No,” Brian interrupted as he pressed against Casey’s chest with his body, trapping her against the wall and pressing their chests together. “There’s no need for that. You understand exactly what’s happening here.”
Casey was taken aback by his aggressiveness and assertiveness. She tried to push away, but he didn’t budge an inch.
“You’re so wet right now. Your little pussy has been craving this for weeks. Admit it, that’s why you came here. That’s why you got your face done up pretty for me. You needed a man to show you what you really are: A cock-loving whore.”
“Stop,” she pleaded weakly, but her resistance didn’t slow Brian down. He continued to talk dirty in her ear as she fought against him.
He grabbed one of her wrists, and when she reacted he grabbed the other, holding them together in one hand. She pushed against him with her chest, which only made it easier for him to shove her backwards onto the bed.
She wasn’t expecting how hard it would be to stop him. She thought she could handle him if he tried anything funny, but once he had her on the bed she found that her struggles were having no effect. She was stronger than he was, and she knew where all his weak points were, but she couldn’t seem to apply her knowledge or any of her training.
“Stop!” She protested loudly as Brian yanked at her sweatpants, pulling them down and leaving her exposed to him.
The girl was attractive, but unremarkable. Brian had taken note of her the first day of classes, but quickly forgot about her until she approached him to ask for help. Now she was here in his room, her pants around her thighs, her plain cotton panties barely showing below her loose t-shirt.
He tore the shirt open, tearing off three buttons in the process. He was surprised to find a lacy red bra beneath it. His hand darted around to the clasp, fumbling for a second before undoing the snap that separated her from exposure. Her breasts popped free and hung naturally before him. They were pale and creamy, a bit of sag visible from gravity despite her young age. Her nipples were slightly darker than the skin of her chest. She blushed deeply when her bust was revealed to him, looking away in shame.
“You said you needed to test something, right?” She asked in an unsteady voice.
“That’s right.”
Casey turned around and stuck out her bare ass towards Brian. It was as pale as her front had been, with faint freckles along her cheeks. “What do you need to see? How far should I spread my legs?”
Brian grabbed the girl by her hair. He pulled back hard as he yanked down her panties to expose her bare sex. She squealed in pain and surprise at the roughness, but didn’t resist as he examined her labia for himself. The pink petals were swollen from excitement, glistening with moisture. She smelled slightly musky – feminine and arousing. He inhaled deeply, savoring her scent.
“It looks fine,” he declared. He released her hair and pushed her forward roughly. She fell into her bed face first and scrambled onto her knees in front of him. “You think you can still work with this mess you’re teaching?” He asked as he pointed to the text book.
Casey frowned. “Of course. I thought we already talked about this.”
He slapped her across the face sharply. She gasped at the sudden stinging pain. He grabbed a handful of her hair in his hand again, much like he had when she walked in moments before.
“You will call me Sir!” He barked loudly, as if lecturing a group of soldiers. His voice startled her. “Understood?” He continued when she nodded in acknowledgment.
She could hear him breathing deeply through his nose as he looked her up and down. It felt predatory, but exciting.
“Your makeup is shoddy,” he stated bluntly. “I expected you would wear something nicer for your first appearance at a screening for me.”
Casey felt a pang of guilt as she remembered their deal. Her heart fluttered with nervousness as she wondered what kind of response he expected. She stammered to say something, anything, that would make sense in this situation.
His eyes turned hard when she couldn’t respond, but then they softened. “Take off your shirt and bra.”
Her hand moved up under her sweater without hesitation. As she lifted it over her head, revealing her bare breasts to his unabashed gaze, she started to blush. A chill went through her and made her nipples perk up, hardening under his lustful gaze. She fumbled behind herself awkwardly until she unfastened her bra and let it drop onto her lap.
The room around them seemed like it was spinning faster, and Casey suddenly realized how much she’d had to drink. All those shots and beers with Lisa were hitting her all at once. It made everything feel surreal: standing half-naked in the middle of the bar. She swayed unsteadily on her feet.
“Sit down and finish your drink.” His words cut through the haze like a knife. With clear instructions, her mind relaxed and she obeyed immediately. Her movements became steadier as soon as she sat. He put his hand on her back, between her shoulders. She felt it there, like a hot spot on her skin through her shirt. She knew he could push harder and make her lower her top, exposing her naked breasts to the room full of people.
That thought terrified her, and thrilled her even more. There was only the two of them in that moment: he was in control, and she was following his lead. The rest of the world disappeared, fading into gray while they stood in bright focus. She felt safe surrendering herself to him completely.
Casey blinked repeatedly as she came back to herself. How long had she been spaced out? What was going on?
“I said ‘who’s this?'” Lisa was asking. “Casey! Can you hear me?”
“What?” Casey asked.
Lisa pointed to the man next to her. “This is Brian. You told him to come over and meet me.”
Brian shook Casey’s hand firmly when she offered it. He grinned broadly. “It’s good to see you again.”
Casey felt slightly uneasy under his gaze, and the smile didn’t reach his eyes. His presence suddenly reminded her of their deal: Brian helps her get better grades, and in return she makes a film about men starring Brian. The thought that she hadn’t gotten much closer to doing anything movie-related struck her as a big problem.
She opened her mouth to say something, but couldn’t bring herself to make eye contact, so she dropped it. Instead she turned her attention back to Lisa. “So I was thinking that we could maybe hang out this weekend. Do you think that might work?”
Lisa bit her lip, then shook her head. “The semester started early for the theatre group, so there’s rehearsals most days this week. And after that, who knows. It sounds great though!”
“Oh,” Casey felt downcast by the rejection.
Lisa seemed to pick up on how disappointed she was, and placed a friendly hand on Casey’s shoulder. “Tell you what, if you have Friday off I can take some time after rehearsal. If I can get some sleep during the day I might even have enough energy to go out. We haven’t really gone out and done anything fun since before this school year started.”
Casey brightened. “That would be awesome! Just text me when you’ll be done and I’ll meet you at the theatre. And try to get some sleep if you want to go out! Maybe we could get dinner?”
“Yeah, and you can tell me all about this stuff you’re learning.”
Casey’s smile faltered somewhat.
“It’s ok,” Lisa reassured her, “you don’t have to share any secrets or anything. I don’t want to hear your new secret feminist knowledge. You look great by the way.”
Casey felt warmth welling up in her chest as she turned slightly pink.
“How are the guys anyway?” Casey asked to change the subject.
“Not good. Not even a little bit good. They dumped us last weekend over text messages and haven’t responded to any of my calls since.”
Casey laughed without meaning to, then tried to cover it up by putting her hand over her mouth. “What jerks!”
“Right?! What jerks. You’d think they’d at least answer my texts if we’re going to break up.” Lisa shook her head in dismay, but seemed more amused than upset. “What about you? Is your boy troubles getting better now that you have all the knowledge of the Feminist Goddess Professor Baxter?”
“He’s not like that! Or, I guess he kind of is like that sometimes. He has an intensity to him, you know?”
Lisa gave an understanding nod.
“He said if he helped me with my feminist classes then I’d help him with his ‘male filmmaker’ class. That’s the real reason I put on the makeup tonight, and I bought this skirt on sale too.”
Casey ran her hand along the length of her long black skirt. She felt strange wearing something so short, especially when she had only worn it for such a short time before changing into jeans for the rest of the day.
Lisa glanced down at Casey’s outfit. The heels made her even taller than normal, and her legs looked longer than ever. She could feel eyes on them whenever someone walked by. Lisa knew how long her friend’s legs were, since they wore the same size, and couldn’t quite fathom where Casey had found the skirt. Her eyes returned to Casey’s face. There was the makeup, and a new hairstyle – all that on top of whatever had changed about her figure since she stopped hiding it.
“You look sexy,” Lisa commented flatly.
“Sexy? Is that good?”
“I don’t know,” Lisa answered with a shrug. She was about to go on, but she stopped as Casey’s face fell slightly. “It’s great!” Lisa corrected herself. “You look awesome. If we wanted to pick up guys, your look is spot on for tonight.”
“Thanks! But why would we pick up guys? Aren’t we trying to meet girls?”
Lisa rolled her eyes dramatically. “We are going to start by having a few drinks.”
She waved down the bartender and ordered their first round of drinks. Lisa handed one of the shots to Casey. Lisa gave her a nod, as if to tell Casey that she would follow her lead. Lisa threw back the shot, and when she brought it back down again she gasped to find Casey had already drank her own shot.
“Come on!” Casey encouraged her friend. “Don’t let me leave you in the dust!”
“Oh ho!” Lisa exclaimed, excited that her friend had shown unexpected boldness. “Let’s see about that! I can keep up with you no problem!”
The girls ordered two more rounds of shots. Neither of them could keep up with the other, and they were both feeling very light-headed and giggly when a handsome guy asked if he could join them. They agreed, and he bought them their next round of drinks.
He told the girls that his name was Adam. He flirted with each of them equally, which didn’t strike either of them as odd since they figured guys were interested in all women equally. As time passed Casey felt more and more relaxed. She kept giggling at small things, even things that weren’t funny, but she felt confident and sexy so she didn’t mind looking silly.
Casey and Lisa drank another couple of shots, until Casey’s vision seemed to lose focus and everything felt fuzzy.
“Adam,” she started. “I think we need to go home now.”
“Oh…” he sounded disappointed. “That’s ok… I understand.”
Casey smiled apologetically. “Would it be ok if we went home together?”
She grabbed Adam’s arm and squeezed it. It was muscular and solid. She could feel herself blushing at his body’s reaction, and knew he would think she was beautiful. In that moment it was the only thing in the world she cared about.
“Both of you?”
“Yes!” Casey blurted out quickly, before her brain registered the question.
“Who?” Lisa asked with an incredulous laugh. “Not both of us, so who? Brian?”
“Yeah, ok, and him too,” she admitted shyly, trying to play it off as a joke.
Lisa laughed. She had finished her first drink by then. “Why are you laughing?” Casey asked her friend defensively.
“You just seem different somehow,” she explained.
Adam got them all drinks while the girls were talking. Casey barely noticed until he handed her a second shot. It hit her harder than she expected, so she slowed down on the shots for the rest of the evening. She wanted to enjoy being social rather than get fucked up.
After Adam paid for her third drink, Casey put her hand on his muscular arm and leaned in close. “Adam,” she began, but faltered when he grinned at her and squeezed her hand. A wave of nausea overcame her, but she pushed past it and continued, “Adam… I need to go. Is that ok?”
“Oh,” he sounded disappointed, “that’s a shame. I was really enjoying your company.”
He smiled hopefully. Casey tried to stand up, but her knees buckled underneath her. He caught her and kept her steady for a moment. Her eyes went wide as she looked him in the face. She found his face very familiar, and yet she couldn’t recall meeting him before.
“Adam, who are you?” she asked. Her voice felt slurred, and his features seemed blurry as though viewed from underwater. “What happened to me tonight?”
Adam chuckled softly, which only made Casey feel more confused and afraid. He gently caressed her cheek. “You’ve been here this whole time. Do you know how gorgeous you look tonight? You have no idea. No idea at all.”
Casey stared into Adam’s eyes – she felt so drawn to them, but it scared her and she looked away. “Why did I decide to come home with you?”
“It doesn’t matter, does it? Aren’t you glad you came?” Adam held his hand out and motioned to the large suite he had led her to. She saw luxurious carpeting, a large flat-screen television mounted above the gas fireplace, and a four poster bed on the far side of the room.
She nodded hesitantly.
“Well then… let’s have another drink while we get to know each other better.”
Adam poured a couple of glasses of champagne and turned on some music, then sat down on the sofa. Casey slowly sipped from her glass, still feeling overwhelmed by what she had agreed to do.
He patted the cushion next to him, motioning for her to sit down. He placed an arm around her as she sat, letting it drape across her shoulders. As she got used to being next to him, he leaned over and gave her a light kiss on the lips.
The sensation made her tremble with fear. Casey set her glass down before she dropped it or spilled something on the expensive furniture. Her body moved involuntarily – it felt like a wave was rolling over her entire being. It started at her lips, where he kissed her. Then it rolled up through her body to fill her head, leaving her feeling dizzy. The effect lingered in her nipples and groin.
She turned and looked at Adam, whose face she couldn’t recall seeing clearly any time before tonight. Now his handsome features seemed sharp and familiar, as though she’d known him for years. His warm smile put her at ease.
Casey leaned back against Adam. Her head rested against his shoulder, and it felt like home to her. She let herself relax there for a few minutes while he told her how beautiful she looked tonight. The praise felt good, but Casey knew there was more going on behind the words than she understood.
“We should go somewhere else,” she said. “Your place, maybe?
Adam smiled knowingly.
“You know you’re not supposed to talk about this,” Brian said quietly as he sat down at a secluded table at the coffee shop.
Casey ignored him and slid him a cup of coffee before launching into her story. “I think I understand Professor Baxter now!” she started. “It’s because of your subliminal program! I get how she thinks now. She doesn’t want women to dress up in sexy outfits, but that’s a stupid reason to oppose strip clubs and slut walks. What kind of anti-sex feminist movement can’t admit that women are going to enjoy sex even if we try to change societal norms around sexuality? If slut-shaming or even banning strip clubs actually worked it might make sense, but you know they’re always right down the street. So really we should focus on supporting the industry and making it safe and empowering women to own their sexuality. Sex workers need our support as much as anyone. Just think what it would mean for a girl to walk down the street in her stripper outfit and everyone treat her with respect and dignity instead of fear or disdain.”
Casey paused to take a sip of her latte, unaware that Brian was staring at her in amazement.
“So I think I’ll make a film like Showgirls or The Wolf of Wall Street with all these rich, powerful, sexist men who end up coming to heel under women. My version won’t have such a lame ending, though! In my movie I’m going to show men submitting to women while there are still enough power left to go around to satisfy us both. I’m still working out the details, but that’s what I’m thinking. How’s that sound?”
Brian blinked. His jaw hung slightly open as he tried to make sense of the radical change in Casey’s behavior.
“You look really pretty today,” Brian blurted out as he admired Casey’s eyeshadow.
“Thanks! Do you think so?”
Brian nodded enthusiastically.
“But you wouldn’t call me sexy, would you?”
Brian stammered before muttering, “you are very attractive. You have a nice face.”
“Wouldn’t you love to get a look at what’s under here?” Casey gestured vaguely at her body.
Brian nodded again, his cheeks flushed. He was clearly surprised by this turn in the conversation. Casey reached across the table and laid her hand on top of his. Brian jumped with surprise, then quickly turned his palm over so he could grasp her hand.
“What do you say we skip the movie and find somewhere we can get to know each other better?” Casey suggested.
Brian nodded dumbly, still too surprised to speak. His mouth hung open as he tried to process the rapid changes in the woman in front of him.
As the pair got up, Lisa leaned over and whispered, “if he hurts you just come get me.”
Casey winked and flashed a mischievous smile, then headed out after Brian.
Casey put her arm around Brian’s waist and guided him down the street. He looked over his shoulder to make sure none of her friends were watching them, then snaked an arm across her lower back and let his hand rest on her ass. They walked down to his apartment and made their way inside.
“Take off your clothes,” Brian ordered.
“Ok, Master.”
Brian sat on the couch, then crooked a finger to indicate that she should join him. Casey crawled onto the couch and knelt beside him. Her hands moved to undo her belt, but stopped when she felt Brian’s fingers grab her chin to direct her attention.
“When will the short film be ready?” Brian asked impatiently. He wanted to use his newfound power over Casey to convince her to make her film about strong, sexually liberated women.
“As soon as we get funding. We’ve got a meeting with a producer next month.”
Brian released Casey’s chin so she could look away to continue undressing. She pulled down her jeans and kicked them aside, then pulled her sweatshirt over her head. Now naked except for a pair of frumpy cotton panties, she reached into the pocket of her jeans and handed Brian his MP3 player.
“Thank you, slave,” he said as he took it from her hands.
Casey blushed, embarrassed by how much she loved him calling her “slave”. It felt so wrong, but she found herself drawn to the wrongness of it. He placed the earbuds in Casey’s ears and turned the device on. The player began to issue its background noise, but Brian spoke loudly enough to drown out the sounds.
“What if there was a special day of the week where the most intelligent people in the country were allowed to be on top? Not every single time, because that wouldn’t be fair to the stupid ones. But they could have their chance to be in charge sometimes too. It would probably change based on who was better at being intelligent that year, and who was better at doing normal everyday things the previous week…”
Brian continued talking. Casey tried to focus on what he was saying, but it was hard to follow with all of his nonsense. Still, she nodded when he asked her questions, hoping that was the right response.
He finally finished speaking. He reached into Casey’s panties and stroked her clit.
“I think that will work for the film,” Casey replied breathlessly as she pressed herself against him.
“What did I just say?” Brian demanded.
“The… uh… the thing about how to treat dumb people…”
Brian stopped touching Casey. “Did I use any words more than two syllables long?”
“No!”
He stared at her until she remembered. She lowered her eyes and mumbled, “but the idea seemed so complicated, even though you explained it plainly.”
“How are you going to make a feminist film if you’re still too dumb to understand this stuff?”
“You can tell Brian he doesn’t have to call off his deal with me,” Casey said glumly as she sipped her beer.
Brian entered the bar shortly after she spoke. She hadn’t been expecting him. The sound of his name attracted his attention, and he walked up to greet the girls. Casey introduced the two, although they knew of each other from school.
“I’m surprised to find you here,” he told Casey. “The last time I saw you, you told me you didn’t come out much. Something about not getting along with the ‘happy girl crowd’?”
“That was just before I met Amanda. Her boyfriends introduced me to their friends, and I started meeting more people.” She looked at Brian suspiciously, then asked, “did we meet in a bar or something?”
“No, nowhere so fun,” Brian laughed. “Do you want a drink? A round for the ladies is on me.”
Casey felt conflicted by the offer. It would be polite to accept his invitation, but something about it seemed wrong to her. Or rather, everything about it seemed wrong. She glanced at Lisa, hoping she would be able to provide an easy way out for them, but she shook her head to signal that Casey should speak for herself.
“Thanks for offering,” Casey began politely, “but I don’t usually drink. Can we get a round of soft drinks instead? Maybe one of those flavored cocktails you sell here?”
Brian shrugged indifferently. “So long as you’re paying for the drinks you can drink whatever you want.” He got their orders and sent them to the bartender.
The two girls thanked him, and Brian changed the subject. “So, Casey tells me she’s starting to make good progress on her project. What do you think it will be like?”
“What makes you think I’m going to tell you about it? Maybe we’ll write a film about the perils of using subliminal learning techniques without telling anyone,” Lisa responded haughtily.
Brian laughed. “You know as well as I do that your friend is going to make a trashy video for a bunch of horny fratboys.”
Casey blushed deeply at the characterization, but didn’t deny it. Lisa glanced at Casey with an appalled expression.
“Are you saying your program isn’t going to teach her to appreciate film as a medium for feminist ideas?” Lisa asked accusingly.
“No, it’ll teach her the jargon. She won’t even need to think about the real issues involved. And besides, that garbage book she needed wasn’t written by any woman – it was written by a man in his sixties!”
“But you’re going to use these ‘materials’ too?” Lisa turned back to Casey. “He’s not getting you to do anything weird is he?”
“Nothing! Weird… uh, anyway, why would I tell you about it if it was something weird or something to hide from you?”
“Good point. Still, don’t take the word of anyone who says he can teach you to become the best version of yourself.”
“The best version? Like, self-actualization? Do you really want me to live my full potential? To reach my goals and maximize my talents?” Casey challenged her friend. “Should I be better at math like you are? Maybe I need to go back to school for engineering – I’m sure that’s part of becoming myself. Should I become an actress, an artist, an athlete? Is it because you want me to become a woman you can admire, a powerful person that could maybe compete with you for influence, power, wealth…”
Lisa waved Casey down. “You can relax, girl! I’m just messing around! That program sounds cool and I’m glad it’s helping you finally pass one of your classes. So is the short film done?”
“Almost, yeah. How’s your big project going? What’d you end up doing it on?”
“My professor was fine with my topic as long as I agreed to do a semester-long independent study next semester to keep working on it. So basically I have another term paper to write after finals and before summer break.”
“Ugh, sounds rough! At least I should be all set for summer after I finish the video. Brian said he’s looking forward to being in it with me.”
“With you? Like how? Will you two be doing it together? In front of the camera?” Lisa seemed curious but slightly concerned.
“Oh yeah!” Casey exclaimed. “He said he’ll show me what’s hot and what isn’t. He can even act, if needed, so we don’t have to worry about it getting weird with just us.”
“I guess you two will get pretty close while working on your project,” Lisa suggested.
Casey shrugged. “It doesn’t really sound like my kind of filmmaking.”
“You know he calls them boy flicks?” Lisa asked, a look of concern creeping over her face.
“Yeah, maybe, but you should hear how Brian talks about feminist shit. He gets really intense and passionate. And he thinks so differently than anyone else I know. Maybe feminists just look at him the wrong way. He might really open your eyes to feminism if you give him half a chance!”
“Brian, huh?” Lisa smiled slyly.
“Huh?” Casey looked surprised. Then, after a moment, she gave a nervous smile and shrugged again. “Oh yeah. I’ve been talking to him, hanging out, since he’s going to star in my term project.”
“Mmmm,” Lisa hummed with a look of concern on her face.
“Why would that be a problem?” Casey asked with concern of her own.
“No reason,” Lisa replied flatly. “He’s just… different.”
“Different? From who? Me? You?”
“Yeah,” Lisa shrugged. “He’s just weird.”
Casey frowned and looked down into her glass. “Well… yeah.”
She and Brian were not alike in most ways. His clothes were all black or dark grey with occasional bright designs or colors. Casey owned mostly browns, blacks, and grays, which was part of why she wanted to try makeup – to add some color and variety. She never had the confidence to dress provocatively, so while she didn’t normally wear very baggy clothes, they were still fairly shapeless. Brian tended to wear tight shirts with tight pants that hugged his slim waist and showed off how tall and lanky he was. He was thin but muscular, and his short hair was always a carefully constructed mess. Casey was always self-conscious about her height, and she wasn’t sure if she even wore panties sometimes – every time she noticed whether they were there or not seemed to be when she was wearing loose jeans.
It didn’t surprise her that Brian might be weird, but hearing it confirmed by someone else bothered her. Wasn’t being a man who understood women’s perspectives supposed to make him less strange? Casey knew that Lisa couldn’t understand his unique perspective, but Casey felt like she could if he explained it to her, and like she already did after only a week of studying his work. So if she understood him, shouldn’t everyone? Was something wrong with her as well?
Casey felt confused and alone for a few moments until the feeling passed. She was glad Brian had decided to help her with her feminism class, because she needed him. Without his help she would have failed the class and her degree. What if he decided he didn’t want to let her out of the deal they had made, even if she managed to pass the class? Was he going to hold his research over her head as some sort of twisted leverage?
On Sunday morning, when her term project partner was supposed to come over, Casey found herself nervous again.
Brian knocked on the door promptly at nine in the morning. He was carrying a small suitcase, which made Casey wonder if he planned to stay long.
“Wow,” he commented as she let him inside. “You look amazing. And very different.”
Casey smiled bashfully. She was wearing light makeup: eyeliner, mascara, and lipstick. The clothes she had put on were form-fitting jeans, high heeled black leather boots, and an attractive but modest top in pastel pink.
“You too,” she replied with a smile.
“This is what I always wear,” Brian said in confusion as he sat his suitcase down and looked himself up and down.
“So are you getting better grades in Feminist Film Studies?” Lisa interrupted their staring contest by changing the subject back to the class they were there to celebrate over.
“No, I dropped the class,” Casey explained. “I didn’t need it after all.”
Lisa gave her a puzzled look. “But how are you going to pass?”
“Oh, that’s ok,” Casey smiled reassuringly. “I passed already.”
Lisa turned to Brian. “Is that right? Are you some sort of wunderkind who finished your PhD already?”
Brian grinned widely as he shrugged. “What can I say? I’m just too fucking smart. But no, this isn’t even close to the work I did for my doctorate. It’s like a kid’s toy compared to the research I do. The software was written by someone else for some other use. I tweaked it and made it simpler and modified the content. It’s not hard. But yeah, she seems to have learned the material.”
“How long did it take you?”
“Couple weeks,” he answered. “I gave it to her about two weeks ago and now it seems like she’s pretty well-acquainted with the material. She can explain it better than I can. At least if we limit the discussion to academic theory and jargon.”
“Ok, so now I’m intrigued,” Lisa responded with a smirk. “I assume there’s going to be a catch.”
Brian nodded eagerly. “Yeah, here it is. This was fun to create, but it required zero effort for me. Casey says she’ll make me the male lead in her short film for that class she’s taking.”
“Why are you wasting your time being a PhD student?” Lisa asked incredulously. “You could make money doing this stuff instead of teaching classes like Introduction to Psychology.”
“I’d rather not get involved with the CIA or any other government agency,” Brian explained with a smile. “Besides, this was just a one-off, an intellectual experiment that paid off.”
“Yeah, I guess you’ve got enough real research to worry about. So what’s going to happen when you get rid of these ‘learning materials’?”
“I’ve been giving it some thought. If I remove the programming it should fade away. The memory will stay because she’s been studying hard. That’ll all translate back into her conscious mind once the programming goes away. No harm done.”
“But if you take the programming away…” Lisa’s eyes lit up in amusement. “Would she stop wearing makeup? She didn’t even know how to use lipstick earlier!”
Brian shook his head and laughed.
Lisa sipped her beer, looking at Casey across the room as she talked to some guy by the pool table. After a minute she leaned over close to Brian and whispered conspiratorially, “is there anything else you’re making Casey learn? How kinky are these ‘subliminal learning materials’?”
“They aren’t ‘kinky’ at all. That’s the joke!” Brian laughed again. “If that was a side-effect that would just prove Professor Baxter was right. She’d have to wear make-up and put on the sexiest outfit she could find after hearing subliminal instructions, just because she couldn’t resist the patriarchal programming society imposes on women.”
Lisa frowned. “Wait… Casey’s really wearing sexy make-up. You said that might happen! Is this some kind of mind control?”
“Relax!” Brian assured her. “The subliminal audio Casey’s hearing helps her learn academically. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex or clothing or makeup or anything.”
Brian’s eyes shifted uneasily from Lisa’s skeptical stare, across the barroom to where Casey was chatting up two guys by the pool tables. When he looked back to his date his stomach dropped at Lisa’s suspicious glare.
“I’ll be right back,” Brian announced before ducking through the crowd toward the pool tables. He heard Lisa mumbling as he walked away and suspected it wasn’t flattering.
Brian stepped up beside Casey just as she was laughing at some unfunny joke a short man with greasy hair had told. The second guy was standing close to her, trying to angle his crotch so Casey couldn’t see it. From his expression, and the fact that they were standing over the same ball, it seemed like he’d been leaning against the wall while the other guy had taken his shot.
“Come on,” Brian grabbed Casey by the arm and pulled her away from the two guys. He pulled a bit too hard, so she almost ran into him.
“Hey,” she protested when she steadied herself and realized where she was. “Oh, hi Brian!”
He frowned at the two men who were making no attempt to hide the fact they were watching Casey’s ass as she hurried out behind Brian. He gave them both a hard, angry glare before turning his attention back to Casey.
“Are you drunk?” Brian demanded as soon as they reached the door.
“No!” Casey replied indignantly, although it was pretty obvious. “I don’t know what happened! I was here with Lisa, and we were talking about…”
“You didn’t tell anyone, did you?”
Casey stared blankly. As she tried to think straight she felt that familiar fog overcoming her brain. The answer was sitting there right on the tip of her tongue. Something in the corner of her mind told her that it wasn’t a safe answer. She couldn’t shake it, so instead she answered, “no, of course not. Why would I do that?”
Brian glared at Casey skeptically, but after a moment he shrugged. “Well, show me what you’ve learned.”
“Sure! Here!” Casey reached into her bag and pulled out the book from Feminist Film Studies. She opened it to one of the sections she had understood and read it aloud. Brian listened attentively.
“It’s perfect,” he said when she finished. “I didn’t even think it was possible to make this shit comprehensible.”
Casey smiled proudly.
“But now we have a real problem,” he continued. “My subliminal program worked too well – you know it by heart. What are you going to tell your professor on midterm day?”
“Huh, I hadn’t thought of that…” Casey bit her lip as she tried to figure out what to do. She had been enjoying using her new knowledge about film theory so much that she had completely neglected to prepare for the upcoming midterm exam. She had barely looked at anything beyond Feminist Film Studies since his program had started working.
Brian looked Casey up and down for a minute before continuing, “maybe we can use your situation to help us both.”
“I don’t want to cheat,” Casey replied sharply. “That’s not the right kind of studying.”
“It’s not cheating, exactly,” Brian smirked as he said this, then continued, “how about if I let you study me? That could give you the edge on your exams and I’ll get a little experience with some… other aspects of our research.”
Casey chewed on her lower lip. Her mind told her that wasn’t such a good idea, but for some reason she couldn’t articulate any of those thoughts. Instead she felt an odd sensation in her pussy.
“So what do you say?”
Before Casey could figure out how to respond, Lisa cut in: “no she doesn’t! I don’t know exactly what this guy is talking about, but I don’t trust him!”
“What are you going to do about it?” Brian challenged Lisa. His voice was almost a snarl, but it had its intended effect: Lisa slunk back from him and seemed deflated by his confidence. “Now where were we, Casey?”
Casey looked between Lisa and Brian, not sure what to say. “Uhm, you were asking if I understood your script…”
Brian put an arm around her waist and turned her toward him. He looked down into her eyes and said, “yes I was! Are you ready for the next step now, my dear?”
Lisa sat open-mouthed, seemingly stunned into silence. Casey felt like her words were caught in her throat as she looked up into his grayish blue eyes. “The… next step?”
Brian reached down to hold both of Casey’s hands in his. She felt like his powerful arms would have snapped them in two if he squeezed much harder. His lips hovered above hers for a long moment as he drew nearer. A shiver ran up her spine as her eyes drifted closed. His breath seemed to come from inside her mind. She knew he was speaking, but she couldn’t understand the words. Everything faded away around her except his mouth, so close to touching hers, and his voice that echoed inside her head.
Casey could almost feel Brian’s lips on hers, then Lisa put a hand between their faces. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Brian?!”
Lisa’s words hit Casey like a slap in the face. She came back to reality and realized she had been on the verge of kissing Brian. She shook off her dazed feeling and tried to make sense of what she had done. Her head swam and the room was out of focus.
“She doesn’t know what she’s doing! You have to stop this!”
Brian pushed Lisa’s arm aside. She stumbled backwards into her chair and it fell over onto the ground behind her. “Casey, look at me!” He said, commanding her attention.
Something about Brian’s tone seemed familiar to Casey. It drew her eye even as she tried to avoid looking. When she turned, he looked down at her. His arms were crossed and his expression was stern. She shrank away from him with her eyes locked on the floor.
“Hey, get lost asshole!” Lisa screamed angrily at Brian. Her protest did nothing to deter him from staring directly into Casey’s eyes. She couldn’t pull her gaze off of the ground. She could feel her heart beating rapidly inside of her chest.
“You need to pay attention now,” Brian said in a deep, commanding voice. Casey’s whole body shook as she tried to stand up to him. “Listen to what I say carefully and follow my instructions exactly. Don’t think, don’t hesitate, just do it.”
Brian leaned in toward Casey. He reached down to put a hand under her chin to lift her eyes to meet his own. She looked back at him, and found her mind blank. He spoke in a low, intense voice that penetrated straight to her core, “I want you to take off your clothes in front of everyone here.”
A shiver ran up Casey’s spine, but she felt powerless to disobey him. A feeling of excitement rose from deep within her stomach. Her body tingled with desire, as if some part of her longed for Brian to demand something so outrageous of her. She started to remove her shirt.
Lisa smacked her friend’s hands. Casey looked around and saw every person in the bar staring at her with lust-filled eyes. She blushed furiously. Lisa looked over at Casey and said, “we’re going home, ok?”
Casey didn’t feel like protesting. She couldn’t remember why she wanted to stay. “Okay.”
When Lisa got behind the wheel she paused to check on Casey again. “Are you sure you’re alright? You’re acting kinda weird.”
“Yeah. I just had a couple too many,” she said, although she couldn’t remember drinking anything. The foggy feeling in her head was familiar – it reminded her of when Brian made her take off her clothes in front of everyone at his party. She still didn’t know what made her do that, or even if it really happened.
On their way back Lisa noticed that her friend seemed oddly happy. Lisa figured that Casey was just getting laid more than she was, but something felt off. She put the thought out of her mind and focused on the drive home.
When they got back to their apartment Casey grabbed a shower before going to bed. She looked around at her roommate’s bedroom as she passed by – it was clean and bright, the opposite of her own. She wished she could make her own place look like that, instead of leaving laundry and half-finished projects piled in her floor.
After taking a shower and changing into her pajamas, Casey went to her room and dug through her bags to find her MP3 player. She checked to be sure there were headphones and speakers both plugged in, then started to play the recording. She listened to Brian’s voice, sounding strange and distorted. At least when he gave her assignments or quizzed her he sounded more familiar.
Before turning out the lights, she looked again at the picture of the woman wearing too much makeup. “I know what kind of girl you are, Casey.” That was what Professor Baxter had said about her. In a way, she’d been right. Casey always assumed that feminists hated girls like this, but now that she knew better, she realized she liked the image.
It wasn’t that she liked wearing tons of makeup all the time. If it was up to her she would spend most of her time in jeans and t-shirts. But this… this was hot! Casey wondered why she’d never appreciated sexy women before.
“Because that’s misogynist!” The thought popped into her head unexpectedly. “That’s society telling us that we’re not supposed to appreciate women.”
The more Casey tried to think about it, the more frustrated she became with herself. She kept going round and round in her own head until it finally made her angry.
Casey looked up across the bar, seeking relief for her distraction. On the far wall she noticed two men talking at a table, each gesturing vaguely towards her. Both of them were attractive, but the man she focused on was particularly tall and muscular. He turned towards her, his eyes met hers, and he offered her a cocky half grin.
She felt butterflies in her stomach from just a glance at him. “Excuse me,” she said to Lisa before walking off to talk to him. She stopped in front of the man’s table, unsure of what to do next. She gave a small smile and wave of hello.
He didn’t say anything in response. He looked up at her with dark eyes, his face unreadable. As she stood there waiting for him to speak, she slowly realized that the other man at the table was glaring at her. After a long moment the silent man spoke, “are you waiting for something? Do you need a menu?”
Casey felt hot blood rushing into her cheeks. The man looked bored and annoyed as he addressed her, and he seemed unconcerned when her eyes began to fill with tears. She couldn’t think of anything to do but walk back over to the bar in humiliation.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how I thought he was interested. That never would have happened if I wasn’t wearing eye makeup.”
“Maybe, maybe not,” Lisa said as she offered her condolences to Casey.
“Or if my clothes were skimpier and tighter,” she lamented.
“Maybe.” Lisa seemed unsure now.
Casey wiped a tear away as she thought about the incident again. “Or if my tits were bigger!”
Lisa snorted in laughter. “You could stand to have bigger tits, but your rack isn’t terrible.” She reached over and gently grabbed one of Casey’s breasts. “Are they always this perky?”
Casey slapped Lisa’s hand away, then blushed after she realized what Lisa just did. “Yes, they are!”
“I think someone just needs to fuck you before you get all insecure about your body. It’ll give you something else to worry about,” Lisa said dismissively. “Do you want me to go down the street with you? Find you a real man?”
“Eew gross,” Casey replied quickly. Her mind filled with images of sweaty men pawing at her, kissing her without permission or care. She remembered the one time she had taken a random guy back from the bar to have sex with him, and how disappointing he was. That seemed like it happened so long ago now that she thought about it…
Casey stopped her thoughts where they were. There was no reason to look back on it. She couldn’t remember most of that night, but what she could remember didn’t seem bad. He probably wasn’t that bad looking; maybe he had even been somewhat attractive. She just didn’t remember any of that, and for some reason she felt like she should try to be more objective when she did.
When she looked back up she realized that Lisa had moved on and was talking with someone else. Casey decided not to interrupt her, so she sipped her drink and waited. After a bit she got bored of waiting and finished her drink, then ordered another one.
As she sat there at the bar Casey wondered what had caused her to become so inattentive and forgetful. She wondered if there were things in her life that she hadn’t noticed because of this mental cloud. Her brain drifted back over her relationship with Brian and the time she spent with him, and something stirred. Some instinct inside her tried to get her attention, but she couldn’t find its source.
After about forty-five minutes Casey became impatient with Lisa for ignoring her. She decided to leave instead of making a scene by interrupting their conversation, which would have been unfair of her anyway. It was possible she was overreacting – the bartender had mentioned something about his boss wanting to talk to her while refilling her drink – but he hadn’t come over yet and she’d had enough.
She threw back her drink, paid her bill, and made her way towards the door. That’s when she saw him. His black leather jacket, faded grey t-shirt, faded blue jeans and scruffy face seemed to call to her. As she looked into his hazel eyes she found herself transfixed. There was something familiar about the way his dark hair framed his face and hung in loose curls above his ears, but she felt like he was just an unknown quantity she needed to experience for the first time.
Casey approached him without hesitation. She took a deep breath and smiled at him, then asked what he was doing later that evening.
The man shrugged off her flirting with a casual laugh. “Sorry, but I’m not looking right now. I’m going through some stuff.”
She didn’t give up. She gave him a little shrug, told him about Lisa being occupied and asked if he could get her phone number from the bartender instead. The man laughed and nodded his head, clearly amused at the idea.
Casey waited while he went to check. The young man who had approached her was handsome and she was pleased that he seemed to want to take her home for the night. She found herself imagining what it might be like. Casey wondered how much longer she had before he returned with his prize.
She wondered why Lisa couldn’t hook up with someone. Casey remembered that when she left the apartment, Lisa had a few drinks before deciding it was too crowded and they should just head home instead. When the cute young guy came back to tell her he’d gotten her phone number, she asked if they could still hang out here. She knew he would say yes, because her outfit showed off her figure, and men were predictable.
Casey didn’t remember deciding to ask the man for her phone number. She felt like something else must have prompted her, some deeper compulsion. Maybe she decided earlier when she got dressed to come out tonight? Maybe her subconscious knew she wanted to be with him?
Something was wrong with this thinking. She didn’t think it through though, because the man returned, handing her his phone. Her fingers tapped out the correct digits as if they were under the control of a puppet master. When he asked what her name was, she hesitated only briefly. She saw her life passing before her eyes in slow motion: the rejection she faced throughout her childhood, the unrequited crushes on boys who ignored her, the loneliness she felt now. The idea of losing an opportunity like this felt almost physically painful to her. She gave him a fake name.
“Kaitlyn,” the lie came easily from her lips. “Can I call you James?”
Her date looked confused, and shook his head. “Uhhh… no. My name’s Chris. Why did you give me a fake name?”
Casey blushed and stuttered as she struggled for an answer. Chris started to stand up as if to leave, so she put her hands on his, held him still.
“I’m sorry! I was feeling a little nervous. Sometimes when I’m nervous I do stupid things. It’s like, sometimes I freeze up and say weird things or do stupid things without thinking. I think that’s why I started giving people a fake name… my friend Kaitlyn is much more outgoing than I am, so she helps me out. I think if I had met you at first then I would have just been too nervous to talk to you. And now that we’ve been talking for a little bit and I know you’re such a nice guy then it’s ok because I’m comfortable.”
Chris smiled at her explanation, apparently satisfied.
“Sorry about that. I guess you can call me whatever you want. Maybe ‘Cutie’?”
Chris laughed, but accepted her apology with grace. “So… where does ‘Kaitlyn’ live?” he asked somewhat hopefully.
Casey shrugged and took a long sip of her drink. “Not anywhere close, sorry. How far are you from campus?”
The pair chatted and flirted. They talked about school, their lives, their ambitions and plans. Soon the topic of sex came up.
“Have you ever done any modeling?” Chris asked. He was obviously referring to something else. Casey felt a thrill of fear or apprehension.
“No. I mean, never in front of anybody else. No professional stuff. I have taken some nude photos before,” she offered.
“Nudes? Nice.” Casey blushed deeply and looked away. She wanted to explain that they hadn’t been sexy pictures, that her boyfriend at the time had made her take them, but the words wouldn’t come out right.
Chris pulled out his phone. He held up a photo. Two women – one blonde and busty, the other brunette and much slenderer – were posed facing away from each other. Both wore matching black corsets and tiny black thongs. The brunette had her long hair flowing down her back; the blonde had put hers up in a messy ponytail. They were each bending forward slightly so their backsides were thrust toward the camera. Each of them turned their heads towards the camera so the viewers could see half of their faces and look into their eyes. A small tattoo of a feather trailed across the left buttock of the brunette and on the opposite side of the blonde.
“Is that…? Can you…?” Casey started to ask questions but forgot how to form words. Her eyes widened at the image, which she couldn’t quite process in her current state.
Lisa answered anyway. “Yeah, I can understand them.” Casey’s hand moved to touch the screen instinctively, but Lisa snapped the phone shut before she could do more than graze the image with her fingertips. She smiled as she replaced the phone in her pocket.
“Let’s get drunk.”
Casey agreed eagerly.
When Lisa left the table she brought her empty glass but returned with three fresh drinks. “What’s this?” Casey asked as the third was set before her.
“This one’s for you,” Lisa replied simply. Casey looked down and realized that it was another martini, similar to the drink Lisa had been buying for her all semester.
“Is that what you think of me? That I’m someone who can be bought with drinks?” Casey asked. The question felt weirdly confrontational when it came out, and seemed directed at herself more than Lisa.
“Oh, sorry,” Lisa apologized. “Do you not drink anymore?”
Casey bit her lip and shook her head. She couldn’t tell if her friend was making fun of her or not.
“You seem… different lately. Not worse, but different,” Lisa continued. “I’m not the best friend-friend that you could ask for, but I do care about you. If this subliminal whatever-the-fuck stuff is changing your mind then maybe you should stop doing it.”
“Don’t worry!” Casey said quickly, as though she could make it true. “I promise it’s going to work out for the best.”
The two friends made small talk, and both pretended to have a good time.
Casey did eventually get Lisa to cheer up and let down her guard enough to share some amusing stories about their classmates, especially a few of their mutual male classmates who had shown no shortage of interest in their shared roommate. The stories became less and less funny, however, until they were sharing a sad story about one of Casey’s female classmates who got date raped at a party last semester.
After the girls’ third drinks arrived Casey noticed Brian entering the bar. She tried to subtly point him out to Lisa. “That’s him! That’s Brian!”
Lisa nodded approvingly.
“Hey!” Brian greeted Casey, clapping a hand on her shoulder and taking one of the empty seats at their table.
“This is Brian,” Casey explained, turning her head back and forth to face each person she addressed. “He’s the guy who made the… uh…” Casey lowered her voice so only Brian could hear, “the program.”
“And here you are drinking like a regular girl. You sure don’t need to buy my friendship anymore,” he joked.
“I think we’ve gotten past that. This is going to sound cheesy, but you really did save me by making the program work. I feel like my old self again!” She smiled warmly at him.
“Old self?” Lisa interjected suspiciously. “How much of you has this ‘therapy’ changed?”
“Only for the better!” Casey insisted, then turned back to Brian, “now how about you tell us how we can repay you for saving our friendship and the future of my filmmaking career.”
Brian raised an eyebrow suggestively.
Casey crossed her arms defensively. “Well that’s one option,” she teased him. “But I think we could work out a trade…”
Casey went on to propose that Brian help her write and act in a screenplay based on his interests. That would take time and effort, but as a doctoral candidate he could use the research to defend his own paper. In exchange, after her movie project was done and before the semester ended she would star in a film he would direct. The agreement sounded a bit one-sided, but Brian was eager to agree so that he could enjoy Casey’s company until the time came to collect.
The week after making the deal, Brian found himself standing in a hallway waiting for a hot, blonde girl named Amanda who he thought might be into him. His friends were throwing a house party and she was bringing Casey along.
“So you must be Brian?” Amanda asked, shaking his hand.
He nodded as she introduced Casey. She shook his hand too and flashed him a warm smile.
“You know,” he commented, “you two aren’t anything alike.”
Amanda let out a high pitched squeal and wrapped an arm around each of them. “Yeah, isn’t it great? When we were friends I was always getting jealous when guys would ask for Casey’s number. We’re so different! It’s like how we can get along so well.”
Casey blushed and pulled away from Amanda’s awkward grasp. She wasn’t sure if she liked being described that way, especially by one of the only two women she knew who didn’t think of her as “weird”. Still, she knew better than to say anything about it. Instead she asked Brian, “so do you want me to start working on your script next week?”
Brian shrugged. “I guess you can start whenever, but it’ll need time to soak in.”
Casey rolled her eyes, and started to open her mouth for another argument when Amanda spoke first, “wait! I didn’t know that you were helping write his screenplay.”
“He doesn’t even have one yet,” Brian replied curtly.
Amanda nodded. “I could use your help on a project too,” she told Casey.
“No she can’t!” Brian snapped. “She needs to focus on this film thing of yours, or she won’t graduate!”
“Actually, my grades are finally starting to pick up. The work still feels really hard, but I’ve been staying on top of it because I actually understand it now. I feel really good about my chances.”
Brian gave a noncommittal shrug. “It takes as long as it takes,” he offered in explanation.
“Well, either way, we need Casey’s help with this paper you’ve been working on. I mean, you know more about the programming language than anyone else here, and Amanda knows a lot about the subject matter…”
“Right!” Amanda interjected enthusiastically. “You might be able to give us an overview of this stuff.”
Brian let out a defeated sigh. He leaned back and stared at his empty shot glass, then glanced around the bar. His friends’ papers were printed out and waiting to be worked on. They probably should have had him do these earlier, but he’d been distracted by other things. “Fine, fine,” he grumbled, as he took his first look at the problems his friends had identified.
A few hours later, the group of them left the bar laughing and joking with each other. Casey was smiling so big it hurt her face. She hadn’t been sure of this group at first, but she was becoming close friends with all of them.
Casey found herself alone with Brian when the others turned a corner. His hands brushed against hers. Without thinking about it, she found that she had turned to face him. His lips brushed against hers, softly and tentatively. Their fingers intertwined, and she felt him pulling away slightly.
“Don’t stop!” She whispered in a half-whimper. Her tongue sought out his as their bodies pressed against each other. He pushed her against a wall. A moan escaped her lips before she could suppress it, and he kissed her more intensely in response.
Finally, Lisa’s voice called back, asking if they were coming. Casey didn’t want to break away, but reluctantly she started moving toward her friends’ voices. She looked into Brian’s eyes and found desire burning behind them, which made her want him even more. They hurried through the dark streets after their friends.
The following morning Casey awoke to find Brian standing over her bed. He offered her a steaming mug of coffee, and she pulled the blankets aside so that he could crawl into bed with her. She nuzzled close to his warm body and let him stroke her hair.
Casey remembered the kiss in the alley from the night before. Had she really been so willing to abandon her friends so she could hook up with a guy she barely knew? What had happened to all of those principles? To her feminist ideals?
And why couldn’t she get enough of the taste of his skin and feel of his firm body pressed against hers? His muscular arm holding her close was comfortable and reassuring, not constricting. Why did she need him to hold her so tight? And why had his eyes flashed with excitement when she showed him the bruises on her arms where he squeezed her so tightly?
He was still asleep next to her now. She watched the slow rise and fall of his chest, and thought about waking him with a tender kiss. She imagined running her hand over the thin white cotton of his t-shirt. The idea excited her, but also disturbed her. It wasn’t like her to fantasize about someone like this while they were sleeping. If anything, her reaction was too aggressive, almost animalistic. Was that how all men wanted women to behave towards them? Wasn’t this behavior patriarchal and misogynistic?
Casey bit her lip, unable to find answers for her questions. Her confusion only made her want him even more, and she pulled aside the sheet to look at his form in the morning light. He stirred slightly but didn’t awaken. The sight of him lying there filled her with longing, but the urge to wake him up with a kiss felt… wrong, somehow.
Brian let out a contented sigh as Casey pulled the sheets back over him, and rolled over to go back to sleep. She listened to his breathing settle back into the rhythm of slumber, and tried to relax. She focused on her breathing like she did when she meditated, hoping that it would distract her from the arousal building inside of her.
She found it impossible to push away thoughts of Brian. Thoughts of how they spent the night together. It started innocently enough, when he helped her with a scene of her film that she couldn’t quite figure out. He’d been so insightful and creative, and she had found herself leaning towards him while he talked. By the time they had figured out a solution, their lips were only a few inches apart. She remembered how the first touch sent shivers through her body, and how every moment after felt natural and right.
He didn’t protest when she straddled him and pulled off her top. In fact, he grabbed her firm breasts and squeezed them as if he’d been waiting to get his hands on them for years. His kisses went down her neck and chest, sucking one nipple while squeezing her other breast, then moving over to switch places. By the time he moved his hand into her pants she was already wet.
Even after she had ridden him to orgasm and lain by his side while they caught their breath, she wanted more. She stroked his body until his erection came back. This time Brian got on top. He kissed her mouth fiercely while pressing his stiff cock against her. His movements became faster and rougher until he entered her again, his thick tool spreading her tight pussy apart with each powerful thrust. She dug her fingernails into his back. Her legs wrapped around him. Her muscles clenched and her pussy quivered as she reached orgasm again.
When the two of them fell asleep it was because they had exhausted themselves, not because of any conscious decision to go to bed. The morning light awoke Casey before Brian did. She watched the naked man’s face as he slept. His eyes flickered under his eyelids, but she thought of him as so gentle and unthreatening while asleep. She felt comfortable beside him, even without clothing. When she touched herself, it felt good – her body still responded in a familiar way – but it was unsatisfying somehow. It felt better when she slid her fingers into the sleeping man. His cock stiffened to her touch, and she couldn’t resist stroking his thick meat in her small fist. When he came his warm semen covered her thigh. He opened his eyes, then saw her licking her fingers clean. Casey smiled at him with a hungry look. They fucked three times before he left to shower and dress for work.
Casey felt different than how she expected when the memory of waking up beside her ex-boyfriend ended. She expected guilt or shame, but instead she just felt contentment. She looked at the sleeping figure of Lisa, still undisturbed by their discussion. She leaned over her friend and whispered, “I think you are learning a lot from me, whether you like it or not.”
In response to the whisper, Lisa murmured incoherently and rolled away from her roommate. Casey took the opportunity to slip out of bed quietly. She went to her room to dress for her classes, and to listen to another session with Brian’s MP3 player. She wondered idly why she didn’t remember having sex with him until now, or at least recalling that she had the fantasy.
Over the next week, Casey settled into a new routine. Every night after her classes, she returned to her apartment and listened to her lessons while doing homework or watching videos. Lisa was almost always gone – Casey never remembered where she went. Sometimes another person from their social group would show up with some booze or drugs. Most nights she could only remember fucking a couple of these people, but she didn’t bother herself with trying to remember every detail.
She usually fucked them once, then forgot about them before they were finished leaving. The men often left without climaxing, although she vaguely recalled Brian coming twice when he spent the night. Casey sometimes had sex with a woman as well. The first time was with Lisa. Her friend asked her if it was okay, and she said yes even though she didn’t understand why someone would ask that. She also remembered being with another girl, but wasn’t sure who. She assumed there were probably more she forgot.
Occasionally another boy came by to hang out, and sometimes they went further than fucking. On one occasion Casey watched the same boy fuck both her and Lisa. After he left, Casey felt confused. She looked at her roommate sitting on her bed reading. Casey wanted to ask why they were suddenly having sex together, but somehow she already knew: they were both bisexual and it made sense. They were roommates and should get along so it was natural that they would start hanging out and becoming friends, then their relationship grew intimate like this. She wondered why she didn’t realize she was bi before.
“Oh,” Lisa suddenly turned towards her friend. “Do you want to come watch us shoot our short film tonight? A bunch of other students are coming. I know Amanda is going to be there. We could call up your new boyfriend too.”
Casey considered Lisa for a moment. The suggestion was appealing, but she knew Brian couldn’t show up anyway. It would draw too much suspicion for him to be with a group of feminists doing something politically conscious.
“Thanks, but no. He’s really not my boyfriend, and I have a lot of work to do tonight.”
As the end of the semester approached Casey found her world slowly starting to unravel around her. First there was the Feminist Film class she felt she barely passed, but Professor Baxter failed half the class anyway so maybe it wasn’t so bad. There was also a short film she made about women with Brian. The class didn’t much care for it, but most of the other people in his fraternity loved it. She felt proud that she wrote a successful film on such an alien genre.
But now that the semester was almost over her time with the MP3 player would soon end and her high-speed studying sessions were over. It was time to start learning again at the slower pace of conventional schooling. Worse, as Casey started to lose focus from the subliminal learning program the lessons began to unsettle her.
She looked at women differently now. When they walked past she admired their asses and legs, their hair and makeup, their dresses or blouses or shoes. She saw them and judged how sexy they were and sometimes wanted to be them, or have sex with them, or both.
Now when she masturbated the images she pictured were almost entirely naked women with makeup and nice hairstyles, wearing heels, jewelry and expensive clothes that accentuated their sexual features. Her porn history consisted exclusively of women dressing and posing erotically.
Casey wasn’t sure why women’s clothing suddenly turned her on. She didn’t know how her tastes in movies and fashion changed seemingly overnight. All she knew for certain was that all these changes had happened since she started using Brian’s device. She hoped it was temporary.
In the meantime she decided to stop wearing makeup, avoid thinking about sex, and spend more time with her girlfriends. Casey couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d forgotten something important.
Brian was not a nice guy. He told himself that his interest in Casey was intellectual. After all, it wasn’t like he didn’t know plenty of attractive women. In reality though, it had mostly been for sexual reasons.
Brian knew all about feminism and how women thought it was oppressive. They didn’t realize that in a way they were more oppressed than men were. Men might have the power, but it was only because of what women wanted. Feminism existed because of the weakness of women.
If feminists ever really understood their own philosophy, they would give up. Instead they chose to focus their limited intellects on silly problems instead. Brian had never understood why they made such a big deal about slut shaming. Why shouldn’t society disapprove of women who slept around? Why should men be punished for enjoying seeing naked women or dressing them up erotically? If men were going to rape women, wouldn’t they rape women who behaved erotically?
Women blamed patriarchy and capitalism, but men created both of those systems to make money, and most men weren’t willing to destroy those systems or give up the rewards that came with success and wealth. Women blamed biology, but even with our technological wonders men were still stronger physically and we could still reproduce without effort, unlike women.
Brian knew that if a woman did manage to understand the truth – that feminists themselves created patriarchy by virtue of their weaknesses and biases, and it would remain unless and until they changed their own behavior and desires – she would become a man-hater. She would become bitter and vindictive and seek to destroy everything men had built. She would blame her own problems on others, rather than take responsibility for them herself.
Men liked to see women behave in specific ways and be rewarded for it. That was why we were successful and powerful and women remained weak and dependent. Feminism pretended at strength, but feminism actually made women weaker. It took women who should have been attractive and appealing, and instead turned them into ugly man haters.
Casey realized this was only because women who wanted power tried to imitate men and compete with men instead of becoming what men truly wanted. Women could have real equality – true equality, where they weren’t forced to adopt male traits – when they became alluring and enticing instead.
“Do you think I need more makeup?”
“Yeah! You definitely look great with your lipstick and eyeshadow, but I’d get some blush and a better tube of lipstick.”
Casey sighed at the thought of spending even more money on her new makeup regime. She had spent so much money already getting everything she needed, but now that she had bought it she realized she wasn’t nearly as poor as she thought she was. In fact, with only four hours a week working at the coffee shop she found herself with almost nothing to do. That wasn’t an exaggeration, either; she listened to the MP3 player all day while she went through the motions of doing laundry, shopping, cleaning, and eating.
The extra time opened up let Casey read through her texts over again, this time actually comprehending most of what they were saying. It made a world of difference in the Feminist Film Studies course where her earlier attempts at reading and writing assignments seemed so pointless compared to what she could comprehend now.
But the money had gone quickly, and Casey was worried about how expensive maintaining her new image would be. When she looked at herself in the mirror she barely recognized the woman looking back at her. Her clothes weren’t tight or revealing, but she wore them with confidence and swagger like a model on a runway. She knew that her lips should stick out, that her legs should sashay when she walked, that her ass and hips should swing back and forth when she moved.
That kind of sex appeal didn’t come naturally to Casey. Now though, it was instinctive. She was aware of the attention it attracted. Every man, every gay man, every straight woman who noticed her turned her head. She smiled as she accepted compliments and admiring stares from people around her.
As Casey sipped at her drink, her phone vibrated. “Hey Brian, did you want to meet tonight?”
Brian had helped her understand how to act like an attractive woman. He had taken the lead with so many suggestions when she started wearing makeup and getting her hair styled properly. She needed his advice about clothes and jewelry. Now that he’d gotten her off on the right foot it was time to take the lead for herself. She was a little disappointed – she would have liked for him to continue to show her the ropes and take care of her.
She knew what Brian wanted, too. She thought there might have been something there the night she first talked to him, but now… It would be complicated. She didn’t really want anything serious from him. She had her eye on one of the guys in her filmmaking class, even though she thought he probably only saw her as a friend. If she got involved with Brian it could mess things up before they ever began.
Casey shook her head. This was getting complicated! What did Brian even want? She needed to focus. She needed to get over this infatuation, but… she couldn’t quite do that just yet. Maybe one day, after she passed Feminist Film Studies, and maybe after they’d finished filming, and maybe when she wasn’t working on any new assignments for her classes…
Lisa sighed impatiently. “Well… alright then.”
The girls sipped at their drinks in silence, and Casey watched as a group of guys took seats across from them. She smiled at them flirtatiously, but they ignored her. They were talking and laughing loudly. One of them leaned back in his chair and knocked his drink onto the ground next to Casey.
“What the hell?!” Lisa spat. The guys ignored the girls.
“Oh shit,” one of the guys finally responded when the sticky mess had begun to soak into Casey’s leggings.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry about that, sweetheart!” one of the others turned and told her.
“Yeah yeah,” Casey snapped. “You better fucking be sorry.”
The guy was momentarily taken aback, but recovered quickly. “Look honey, there’s no need to get upset.”
“Don’t call me ‘honey’!” Casey shot back at him, standing up and placing her hands on her hips. She felt embarrassed, and angry that he would embarrass her further in public.
One of the other guys spoke up before his friend could respond, “let me buy you another drink?”
His tone was apologetic but also condescending. Casey felt patronized and dismissed.
“I didn’t even want this one,” Casey snapped, picking up her mostly full beer. “Maybe you can offer to buy it for someone else – maybe your next victim will appreciate your attentions.”
“You bitch!”
The word made Casey snap. She took her glass and dumped the contents over the first man’s head. As she turned to go she saw his friends starting to rise from their seats, so she quickly ducked out the side entrance of the bar and jogged down the street.
She could hear them cursing and following behind, so she broke into a run, sprinting toward where she thought her apartment was. She heard loud footsteps gaining behind her as she rounded the corner. As she dashed past an alleyway she saw a strong arm grab at her. Her sleeve got caught on something, then ripped off entirely when she twisted away from the hand.
Casey was free but the men were close behind. She ran down the block and around another corner, dashing toward the next turn. It was only when she heard shouting from ahead that she realized she was going in the wrong direction. She turned to backtrack, but found the group of angry guys from the bar closing on her fast.
Casey ran through another alley and emerged onto a crowded street. Her pursuers had apparently lost sight of her, but it would only be a matter of moments before they spotted her again. Casey tried to hide, hoping she could evade them by disappearing among the people on the sidewalk, but the group emerged onto the busy street.
“There she is!” one of them shouted. He pointed right at Casey and a second later his friends’ eyes locked onto her. She sprinted as fast as she could, looking desperately for an escape route.
She ducked down another side street, this time without realizing it wasn’t a dead end until she reached its end. With nowhere else to go she hid in the space between two dumpsters. She felt the first tears rolling down her cheeks as she listened to the footsteps approaching.
They were cursing and taunting her as they rounded the corner. A few steps later their voices faded and she heard their footfalls moving away from her position. They never even stopped at the mouth of the alley.
Casey remained still and silent, waiting for minutes after she couldn’t hear anything else. When she finally emerged back onto the sidewalk there was no sign of them anywhere. She started jogging toward where she hoped her apartment was. Her run turned into a sprint when she thought she saw movement or a shadow out of the corner of her eye.
When she burst into her apartment her roommate Lisa gave her an annoyed look, “you’ve got a visitor.”
Lisa disappeared into her own room before Casey could respond. Casey looked into the kitchen and found Brian standing at the counter, eating a bowl of cereal.
“You’re late,” he growled through a mouthful of Cheerios.
“No, you’re early!”
“So why are you late?”
Casey let out a loud, exasperated groan. “I’ll need to get cleaned up to see how the learning has progressed.”
“Oh, I’ve already seen.”
Casey’s frustration turned to anxiety. “How long have you been here?”
Brian finished his breakfast and dropped the bowl in the sink. He washed his hands while Casey stared at him nervously. When he was done he crossed the room toward Casey with wide, languid steps. He ran a hand through her hair, stroking the messy bun she had tied it into before leaving the house earlier that evening.
His fingers curled around a lock of hair and he pulled her head back as he kissed her. Brian forced his tongue past her lips, claiming her mouth hungrily. He only released her when she gave a faint moan.
“Good morning,” he finally said, with a satisfied smirk. “It looks like the programming is working on you already. You should get dressed. The real fun can start once we go shopping together.”
“Shopping?”
“Well, I wouldn’t expect you to walk around town in ratty old sweats looking like a frumpy college student. It would spoil our fun,” Brian explained as he sat down to read the news on his tablet. “Get dressed. Jeans, white t-shirt, flats – no panties or socks. Meet me in the living room and I’ll feed you.”
Casey nodded obediently, then headed for Brian’s bedroom. Once she was there she removed her clothes from the previous night and pulled on the items he had selected for her. The jeans were snug and showed off her round ass. She had to pull down the hem of the white t-shirt because it ended just below her butt, and when she stretched too far the bottom would ride up almost far enough to reveal herself. She put on the most comfortable shoes she owned, flat sandals that barely rose above her ankle. She hadn’t even realized she owned these things before, but they suited her well.
She emerged back into the living room wearing the clothes that Brian had laid out for her. He looked her over with a frown, clearly disappointed at how little she exposed by standing naturally. “Do your nipples show through the shirt?”
“What?” Casey wasn’t sure why Brian asked the question until she remembered that she was instructed not to wear anything beneath her t-shirt. “Oh,” she said, looking down at herself, “yeah.”
Brian sighed in frustration, shaking his head slightly as he looked up at Casey again. “You do look nice. But try to get in the habit of walking around with your arms raised behind your head like this.” Brian demonstrated by putting his hands behind his head and raising them. “That way you can always give passing men a clear view of your ass.”
Casey put her arms over her head like she would if she was reaching for something on a high shelf. “Like this?” she asked, uncertainly.
“No,” Brian frowned. He stood in front of her and grabbed her elbows to pull them further up. He pressed her shoulders back and shifted her body weight until she arched her back. “You want your butt sticking out a little bit more so you can better show off that beautiful shape.”
Brian stepped back, his gaze falling onto Casey’s rear. Her stance pushed her bottom out and the seat of her pants stretched taut across the cheeks. The shirt riding up revealed the gentle curves of her lower back. “That’s good,” he said appreciatively, giving himself another second or two to look before returning to his chair.
He had set his phone at the edge of the desk, where it played an endless loop of white noise that served to disguise his voice on the recording. His laptop faced the wall and was running a program to scramble the data that left his machine while hiding his activity from its firewall. The only other thing on the table was a book about feminism from the campus bookstore – he wanted to be sure she remembered he was helping with her school work when she got home.
She was supposed to be studying on her own, so he made sure to leave some books behind while he slipped away. It wouldn’t do for her to get too dependent on him – he wasn’t interested in changing her entire personality and turning her into some kind of drooling zombie.
The fact that he was still there was a sign that it was working well enough without him. When he met with Casey she seemed like a different woman – a little more outgoing, confident, and energetic. Her smile showed confidence rather than shyness, her gestures were deliberate and expressive rather than meek and defensive, her posture was straight and proud instead of slouched and shy.
A few weeks ago he wouldn’t even have noticed her. Brian thought she might end up being one of those girls who looked frumpy and disheveled before and after her shower, but would walk out of the shower dripping wet in a tiny towel.
The possibility was certainly interesting to him, although there was something else that drew Brian in even more. At first he figured it was just a case of “any port in the storm”, because she was the only girl he had been spending time with regularly since breaking up with Amanda. However, if he was honest with himself, Brian knew that wasn’t all that was drawing him in.
It was difficult to put into words exactly what made him interested, although he could list specific details: the color of Casey’s eyes, the shape of her mouth when she smiled, her slender neck, the arch of her back when she sat across the table from him at their regular coffee shop… he could describe individual elements of how Casey attracted him, but he couldn’t explain why she attracted him.
Casey slid onto her stool with a confident sway in her hips that wasn’t present before her studies. The way she moved her entire body when she gestured was becoming more animated with each passing day. It had taken four days before she started smiling without effort or prompting, and six days before she started making eye contact regularly. Now it was as though a mask of bashfulness and fear had simply fallen away, leaving the real Casey shining through.
A few days earlier he had been afraid that his experiment with her was failing, but now he found her transformation deeply exciting. Casey had a raw quality to her, where her every reaction seemed fresh and immediate, almost innocent.
He felt aroused in a way that wasn’t typical for him. He always preferred a woman who knew her own mind and knew what she wanted. Amanda had been like that – confident, mature, experienced, sexually adventurous, comfortable with her sexuality in a way that was unique among the women he’d slept with.
There were plenty of women who were sexy even while they acted shy or coy, or who were timid or reluctant to initiate. Casey was none of those things. Her naivete and inexperience were something else, almost otherworldly.
He couldn’t explain what it was about her that so excited him, nor did he know where it came from. She hadn’t changed, exactly, yet somehow he saw her differently. He still had the MP3 player in his lab. He considered letting her borrow it as a thank-you for doing some interviews with his colleagues when she got started on the project for her Feminist Film Studies class. He was intrigued to see how far her transformation might take her.
“Oh shit, I forgot to talk to him about the interviews,” Brian said after an uncomfortable length of silence passed between them. He had to practically shout to be heard over the dance music and noise of people talking, laughing, and yelling over each other in order to hold a conversation.
“Hmm? Interviews?” Casey yelled back at him. “You didn’t mention any interviews?”
“They’re for my research,” Brian replied as if that was sufficient explanation.
“But… I don’t understand. What do you need me to interview anyone for?”
Brian took Casey’s hands and led her onto the crowded dance floor. The DJ was playing a thumping bass song with lyrics too repetitive and simplistic for Casey to consider intelligible. Brian was moving his body rhythmically in front of Casey, urging her to move along with him.
The music felt as though it flowed through every part of her body. She felt its power almost as much as she felt Brian’s body against hers. It took control of her body and mind before she even recognized what was happening. Brian moved his mouth to whisper in her ear.
“This is going to seem crazy,” he said loudly enough that his voice broke through the din of noise around them. “Maybe it will be crazy, but that’s ok. That’s fine.”
Casey had no idea what he was talking about, nor did she feel she needed to respond. She simply smiled at him and leaned her head back as her body ground against his.
“Feminism… Feminists… they’re just men trying to take control,” Brian explained. “Their theories aren’t designed to empower women, but to make them powerless – unable to live without masculine approval. You don’t need their permission to dress up, to wear makeup, to do anything. You don’t need men to like you; you just have to let yourself like yourself. Does that make sense?”
Casey wasn’t sure, exactly, but she knew she liked how Brian felt when he held her and talked to her. They moved together while his hips rocked into hers from behind. His voice resonated deep within her as the words passed directly from his mouth into her ear.
“We’ll meet at my house to work on your film project tomorrow. Then we’ll figure out where this leads us. I like you a lot Casey. I think we could be good together if we worked at it.”
Casey agreed wordlessly and kissed Brian when he leaned down to kiss her neck. The feeling of his touch was electric and the pressure between her legs grew stronger. She knew they would end up sleeping together tonight, but that knowledge wasn’t even on her mind as Brian spoke his words into her ear. They were too important to ignore or forget.
“Do whatever feels right, whenever it feels right. Do what you want. Be whoever you are.”
Those words kept running through Casey’s head as Brian pushed her forward onto the bed and pulled her panties down to reveal her round ass. The anticipation of being fucked from behind turned her on almost as much as Brian’s touch on her body. Brian reached around to grab at Casey’s small breasts as his hard cock slid inside of her. Casey knew that she had been using sex as a distraction, instead of engaging it as an empowered woman. That didn’t stop her from enjoying how he felt pounding against her hips.
“You don’t get to do stuff like this anymore!” Lisa chastised Casey. “Not unless you want everyone calling you a slut.”
Casey laughed in response. “Aww, come on, it’s all in fun. Everyone likes a pretty girl!”
The girls had been dancing at the bar, each having several drinks along the way, when Lisa realized her friend had started grinding against guys – even the ones who came to the bar with dates or girlfriends.
Casey was wearing short shorts that showed off her round ass, and the tight t-shirt she wore showed the hints of her perky tits as well as accentuated her narrow waist and flat tummy. Her messy hair framed her face in a natural sort of sexy style, and the makeup around her eyes and lips seemed expertly applied – although Casey was anything but an expert at applying eye shadow. She looked almost exotic in some subtle, unidentifiable way.
Her dance partner was tall, with short blond hair, blue eyes, broad shoulders, and a slim frame. He grabbed Casey by the hips and pulled her tight to him. She felt his hard cock pressed up against her through their pants.
“You want me bad, don’t you baby?” Casey said in a sultry voice. Her partner nodded emphatically in reply. “You can’t resist me, can you baby? I look so hot you couldn’t say ‘no’ if you wanted to.”
He shook his head to agree with her words. Casey ground against him hard. The music drowned out both of their moans, but he leaned down and kissed her neck hungrily.
“Do whatever feels right, whenever it feels right. Do what you want. Be whoever you are,” Casey repeated to herself as she guided his hands up under her shirt. He cupped her tits through her bra, and then quickly unhooked it from behind. Her partner was aggressive, which excited her. His skin was soft and warm on hers.
She had noticed her nipples were hard when she looked in the mirror earlier in the evening, but now she felt her body responding to his touch. As soon as her bra was free her nipples stiffened noticeably. He grabbed onto one and gently teased it between his thumb and finger. She moaned again in response, leaning into him and grinding harder.
Casey’s hand found its way inside her pants. She rubbed against the front of her panties and felt a twitch of excitement. This wasn’t something she did often, and when she did it was never something she let a guy know about. The idea of making herself feel good while some random dude watched didn’t sound appealing. Now that she was actually doing it in public she expected it to feel sleazy and uncomfortable, but instead it felt powerful and erotic.
Her partner started pulling up on Casey’s hoodie and baggy t-shirt. She broke contact with him for long enough to pull the shirts over her head, leaving her exposed in only her jeans and sneakers. He wrapped his arms around her skinny back and held her tightly. He pulled her down to a lower couch so he could kiss and bite her neck as she ground against him.
Lisa rolled her eyes in reply, although a knowing smile played across her lips.
“You can’t deny it was a good move for Amanda,” Casey continued. “And hey, look at this.” She turned her beer around to show Lisa.
Lisa glanced at the label and laughed, “are you drinking Miller High Life because Brian told you to?”
“N-no, that would be stupid!” Casey replied indignantly, looking away from her friend. “But why shouldn’t I? I’ve never had it before, and they had some cans for cheap when I went up to order our drinks. I thought I’d try something new.”
“Ok,” Lisa replied with obvious disbelief in her voice.
The two friends looked around the busy bar. Casey seemed distracted. She was searching faces and body types for… what? She didn’t know exactly. She did notice a couple men near the back of the room who were both wearing baseball caps backwards, and found herself smiling. That style looked like an unattractive fashion choice on every man she saw wearing it. Was it only attractive if they had the right physique to pull it off? If so, what did that say about feminism and commodification of womens’ bodies?
Lisa noticed Casey’s distraction and interrupted her thoughts with a laugh. “Casey, seriously? You can barely even look at him without giggling. That’s your plan for how to handle boys?”
“No!” Casey protested. “But, why do we giggle around them? Is it social conditioning? We get nervous and girly to encourage them because that gets us the attention and affection we want? That seems very submissive to patriarchy.”
“We giggle when someone says something funny!” Lisa snapped.
“Maybe you giggle to flatter the comedian,” Casey suggested.
“What would be wrong with that? They worked hard on their joke or story. Would you want a writer to hate your book, instead of being complimentary? Would you rather men hate you than love you? Or are you suggesting that women need to be hated for some reason?
“Of course not! But…” Casey trailed off. Her head was fuzzy. It didn’t use to be, but lately she found her thoughts harder and harder to follow. Something seemed so important a second ago, but she wasn’t sure what it was anymore. She tried to ignore the feeling as much as she could, since the feelings often went away on their own.
“…I’m glad you’re making progress in your Feminist Film Studies class, even though I’m shocked by the tools you’re using,” Lisa told her.
Casey nodded. “Yeah! You’ll be shocked when you see my final project too.”
Lisa raised an eyebrow again, “Oh?”
“Yeah!” Casey said with a smirk. “It’s gonna get my professor so hot under the collar. I’ve spent so much time with all of these girls in the class, and we’re going to shoot it with everyone in the cast in costumes that barely cover our tits and asses. It’s going to be totally fucking sexy. Everyone will see Professor Baxter for what she really is.”
“Uh oh!” Lisa exclaimed as she clapped her hands together. “Is this what’s known as ‘having a crush’?”
“No!” Casey objected hotly, “I don’t think she’s a fucking idiot.”
Lisa giggled. “You know I’m not serious. If this makes you feel better, then do whatever you have to do. Just don’t fuck anyone from your class on film for extra credit!”
“That only happened once,” Casey said with mock-defensiveness.
Casey finished her drink and ordered another round. They talked and drank until the sun went down and the music became loud enough that it drowned out any hope they had for conversation.
Lisa danced with a guy that had been standing close by all night. Casey watched them closely. She noticed the man’s hips thrusting at Lisa with no regard for the tempo of the music or for decorum. She saw him press his erection against Lisa, who didn’t seem to mind, despite his obvious lack of respect for her as a human being. Casey saw Lisa look around to ensure that no one important was watching before she reached down and squeezed his bulging cock through his jeans.
When the song ended Lisa and the man went off together, holding hands. Lisa tossed a wink to Casey over her shoulder as they left, looking pleased with herself.
Casey looked away when her friend glanced back. She thought of her own dry spell – how long it had been since she slept with anyone? A year? At least. How many months did it go from her last good fuck to now? Two years? Longer than that? And yet she spent nights in bars like this while girls like Lisa got laid on the regular. Why were they so willing to spread their legs for some asshole they wouldn’t give the time of day otherwise, but refused to make love to someone they actually cared about?
Of course Casey knew why they did it: feminism. But what kind of feminism makes a girl feel better by fucking some cunt-stench pig that would probably rape her if he ever got the chance, than by fucking someone she had any kind of bond or connection with? That’s a feminism that serves men, not women.
She thought about getting laid herself. There was a good reason it had been a long time: there weren’t many good guys out there anymore. All the young ones wanted sex, and that was all they wanted. Some of them pretended that they didn’t want to fuck, that they wanted something real, but their actions betrayed their motivations. The ones who could hide their intentions well enough would try to make something work, even if the two of you seemed fundamentally incompatible on every level. It might take a few months of bad sex and awkward conversations before the guy finally got fed up and dumps you. You’re hurt in the moment because you still thought there was hope, even though you knew he never treated you as well as he treated himself. Then, once you’ve processed it and moved past him, you realize that you don’t want to be with someone like him anyway, even if they can fake being good for a few months.
There were some great guys in their 30s and 40s. They still didn’t understand feminism, but you could teach them. And since they weren’t young and full of themselves like the rest, they were more serious about starting a family. And, yeah, you could get laid a bit more easily because their cocks got hard when they looked at you, instead of needing three dates and some heavy petting before anything happened. The older men also seemed happier to eat your pussy instead of insisting on anal, which would have been convenient if they had been better at it. The only real problem with those guys was that they either already had a kid or wanted one right away, and she wasn’t ready for kids or wanted to wait until she was settled into her career. She needed some time without the stress of being a mother before she felt ready for kids of her own, and she couldn’t imagine raising a kid as a single mom. Her own mother was too busy for her. It’s not like those dead beat dad would be around to help much.
She knew that her mother’s approach hadn’t been optimal. In fact, Casey knew that it had made life harder for both of them, since she had to be responsible for Casey at such an early age. She felt guilty sometimes that she wasn’t trying harder to be more like her mom – maybe if she wasn’t so stubbornly independent and focused on school, then some nice man would be willing to settle down with her and take care of her. But her mom always seemed so miserable – she’d rather try it another way, even if that way meant having a few months of crappy sex now and then.
Lisa watched a small group of men walk through the bar. They were in their early 20s, maybe even as old as 26, but they looked like college boys nonetheless. Some of them spotted her looking them over. None of them were attractive, but each seemed eager to prove that he was better than his friends.
“That one on the end seems cute,” she said, pointing.
“No way,” Casey replied, waving off the suggestion. “Look at his haircut! He’ll expect you to suck his cock before you fuck him.”
Lisa sighed and agreed with her friend, despite finding herself wishing that Casey hadn’t shot down her first target. When it was her turn to pick she pointed out a tall black guy with glasses and short, kinky hair.
“Too sensitive. Probably has to be on top because he gets performance anxiety being beneath you.” Lisa laughed along with her friends again. She knew her friends were just being friendly by criticizing the guys’ choices, but she couldn’t help feeling disappointed that she had no chance with any of them.
For the rest of the night Lisa kept trying to tell Casey about hot guys and point them out to her, but every guy she said was “interesting” or “cute” or anything complimentary at all got immediately critiqued by her friends. By the end of the night she wanted to scream.
As they left the bar together, Casey wrapped a comforting arm around Lisa, leaning into her. They looked at each other like friends do when they’re a bit drunk, but neither moved to kiss. Something about kissing girls felt safer for Lisa.
Brian arrived promptly after dinner time, letting himself into Casey’s apartment with an unceremonious knock on the door and without waiting to be invited in. When she answered he looked her up and down briefly – he never managed to keep his eyes off of her body for long.
“This is all going according to plan,” Brian said as he started setting up a video camera and lighting kit on Casey’s kitchen table.
“What do you mean?” Casey asked curiously. “I was talking to my roommate about learning things with the MP3 player this evening and I feel like…” Casey trailed off as she realized something felt different in her head.
The realization snapped her out of the fugue state she’d been in all evening. Everything seemed suddenly clearer, though no less true or real, only sharper than it had felt before. She didn’t feel smarter, exactly, but the confusion from earlier was gone.
Casey felt like she knew more now, more about feminism and more about men and women. Her view of sex and relationships was completely transformed in some ways, although it wasn’t as simple as if her old view had been flipped around – instead of changing all of the views and understanding in her head into opposites, the new worldview integrated and built upon what she already knew.
It all seemed so clear and easy, now. She wanted to share her thoughts and explain herself to Lisa, but couldn’t quite put everything into words. All the little misunderstandings, resentments, and disagreements that Casey and her friend shared over the years suddenly stood out to her and were easily categorized and dismissed. She knew, absolutely knew, how to fix their relationship, and it seemed almost too obvious to share.
“So why did you get all dressed up then?” Lisa asked, taking Casey away from her thoughts and back to the bar.
“Oh! Yeah, see that guy?” Casey gestured discretely towards one of Lisa’s ex-boyfriends. “He thinks I’m sexy and will take my mind off of his rejection of you.”
Lisa blushed. “I guess you do know me pretty well,” she said with a slight smile.
They clinked glasses as a toast, and continued drinking together until late in the evening.
Casey woke in the morning and immediately remembered meeting with Brian after class yesterday. She’d missed the bus and walked home in the rain, which probably made her look as much like a drowned rat as she felt. She must have taken her makeup off at some point in the night without remembering because her face now felt bare and raw.
The day before seemed unreal – or rather the person who existed yesterday, who went to school and took notes in Feminist Film Studies with no real comprehension of the lecture, felt unreal. When Casey went into her closet this morning she looked at the outfits that had once felt so comfortable to her, and they just looked plain ugly and shapeless.
Casey found an old black t-shirt that hung slightly loose from her shoulders and didn’t show any cleavage. She dug through her drawers until she found a pair of jeans that were tighter than anything else she usually wore, but still seemed reasonably modest.
The tight jeans made her ass and thighs seem fuller and rounder, and emphasized her hips. The shirt clung to her torso, showing her subtle curves. The clothing was as form fitting as some of Lisa’s outfits, but it wasn’t revealing in any way. Casey found an old red scarf that tied her outfit together, and completed the look with some black lipstick.
Her new clothing style made her feel sexy, and it showed a side of herself that she didn’t know she had.
“Well, anyway,” Casey continued her explanation to Lisa. “I have some more stuff to go over tonight, so I need to get going. I can meet you again tomorrow.”
“Uh huh. What are you studying now, patriarchy?”
“That was part of the first lesson, actually!”
The two friends shared a laugh as they stood from the table and said goodbye.
Casey started to head home, but stopped in her tracks. Brian had emailed her and asked her to stop by his apartment when she got a chance, since he wanted to check that his programming was having a positive effect. It wasn’t far out of her way and the night air felt refreshing, so she decided to take the longer route to his apartment instead of going home first.
In her distracted state she didn’t notice the footsteps behind her until it was too late. A man’s hand clasped her mouth. Her eyes went wide with panic and fear. She dropped her bag and tried to flail, but three men pinned her to the ground. The back of her skull cracked against the concrete hard enough that Casey lost focus. She continued trying to kick, punch or pull away, but her mind was cloudy and the men were on top of her. One of them gagged her while she lay dazed, then all three of them picked her up and dragged her away.
They stuffed her into a dirty, smelly van with blackened windows. One of the men climbed in after her and bound her wrists with plastic zip-ties. They left her on the floor with a burlap sack over her head. He put the bag on so fast that Casey almost forgot about what little sight she had – they blindfolded her underneath the hood, which made complete darkness seem that much darker.
The van lurched forward, causing Casey to tumble forward. She heard one of the men in the front laughing at her struggles to get comfortable, and she froze as if standing still would make her invisible.
When the vehicle slowed again, Casey’s ears perked up. She sat as quietly as possible and waited patiently for someone else to tell her what was happening.
“Here, let me check the GPS. He said his place would be around here.”
Casey gasped slightly as she heard the voice, though no sound escaped her gag. She recognized it. There wasn’t a chance she wouldn’t recognize the voice of the man who had started teaching her everything she knew about sex, pleasure and domination.
There were two thumps: car doors slamming shut. Her head felt woozy again – like it did when they pulled her into the van. She wanted to fight, or kick, or call for help. She couldn’t make her body do anything but lay still and feel anxious.
Two pairs of hands grabbed her from each end of the box. Her heart skipped a beat and her panic peaked. She thrashed and strained as she felt herself lifted. She thought that they must be carrying her through the front door, but with the burlap sack on her head and her body stuffed in the box, it was difficult to tell.
“Ok, let’s get this thing open. And try to be quiet.” The speaker used an unfamiliar voice, but Casey recognized his tone. Her heart stopped fluttering enough for her to realize the man speaking was the boss; not Brian.
Brian. The idea of him made her head swim again. She wanted to escape, but she knew he would just find her. She couldn’t even begin to guess how many times he had already kidnapped her. If she tried to escape he would only put her back under and continue his plan for her. She shuddered at the thought of whatever plans he might have devised.
Hands grasped at her shoulders and legs. The hands weren’t unkind – they were strong and firm, but careful to not hurt or pinch. It didn’t matter – Casey screamed anyway when they pulled her out of the box. The bag covering her face was still on, and Casey’s panic swelled again as she heard laughter all around her.
“Hey guys! Guys, quit it. Don’t tease our guest! She’s probably nervous enough as is.” A second man spoke up. Casey thought she recognized both voices, though her head was too cloudy from the drug to be sure.
The second man sounded nice: like a friend; like a savior. She couldn’t trust him, but his voice was gentle and calming. He spoke directly to her and seemed to care about her comfort. He gently stroked the hair sticking out through the burlap sack. “I’ll get that off your face if you promise to be quiet. No screaming, no kicking, no fighting, ok?”
Casey nodded, then remembered the gag filling her mouth. She shook her head vigorously in response to his question. The boss made some noise with his hands and her face was suddenly free of the sack. The blindfold still covered her eyes, but the scratchy bag was gone. The first thing she noticed were how bright the lights were around her. They hurt her eyes and burned through her closed eyelids. The next thing was how dizzy and fuzzy she felt. She didn’t want to fight – it was hard just to move. She had trouble keeping her head up. Her mind swam.
“That’s a good girl. Good girl,” the boss repeated in a sickly sweet tone as he rubbed the top of Casey’s head and removed her blindfold.
Casey squeezed her eyes shut against the light and only opened them slowly after she felt strong arms helping her into a seated position on a soft bed. She was aware that she was naked, but she wasn’t sure why or why she should worry about it. The men all looked like friends who were concerned with her comfort and well being.
“Why are we taking photos with our phones?” One of the younger assistants asked.
The boss laughed indulgently. “What kind of operation do you think this is? Do you know how much money I paid for this equipment and these modifications? Of course we’re going to video record our procedure. If you’re going to keep interrupting to ask stupid questions then you can get out.”
“Sorry sir,” the assistant apologized.
“Now, let’s see how our patient is doing, hmm?” The boss said as he turned back towards Casey.
Casey blinked at him blankly. Her eyes were bright blue, large and soft and perfectly round. They were framed with expertly applied mascara, eyeliner, and shadow that made them pop. Her pink lips, accented by her dark lipstick, formed a pretty O shape when she looked at the boss.
“Good afternoon, miss Casey,” he greeted her. He held a device in front of her face and she followed his instructions without question. When he was satisfied with the data he stored his device. “Tell me Casey, how do you feel?”
“I feel fine, thank you… sir,” Casey replied politely.
He rubbed his hand over the smoothness of Casey’s bald head, feeling the subtle changes of the electrode implants there. When he had taken control of Casey’s mind he had done so completely – the girl didn’t exist any longer, except as one component of his consciousness.
He leaned closer, taking in the scent of the woman before him. There was nothing special about it – it wasn’t the expensive perfume of a wealthy client or the cheap body spray of a student. It was only soap and sweat. It filled him with an animal lust as he imagined claiming what lay beneath her black hoodie.
His hands grabbed the bottom of her sweater and pulled it off over her head. She wore no bra beneath it, which did not surprise him in the slightest. He reached down to undo her jeans, pulling them and her panties roughly off of her hips.
As he looked at the naked girl before him, he decided that his plans for her might end up changing after all. She was attractive, but there was nothing truly remarkable about her body. He could see that it was a body with which men would be comfortable. A body whose owner had spent a lot of time avoiding attention by covering herself with formless clothing.
It was the expression on Casey’s face that intrigued him. She had an almost blank look to her eyes, like she didn’t understand what was happening but didn’t resist it either. Like the whole thing was beyond her grasp – so she accepted it, letting it happen around her like something unrelated to her own life.
The boss had never seen this before, and he found it strangely exciting.
He pushed Casey back onto the bed, where she offered no resistance. She merely fell into place where he wanted her to be and let him work her body.
Brian looked over at Casey with concern when she didn’t protest his advances. He had seen the girl in this condition before, as part of his experiments. Usually though the girls retained some sense of who they were, even if most of them couldn’t explain how. Not in this case. There seemed to be no awareness left in Casey.
When Casey had first mentioned Brian’s program, he was surprised and confused by its effects on her. She had been listening to the player for two months now and she was still spouting off the bullshit rhetoric that passed for critical theory in a woman’s studies department. That should have been wiped from her memory. The program shouldn’t have let any of that get through.
Brian decided to blame it on Casey. Clearly the girl was so deeply rooted in the feminist perspective that she was ignoring the evidence of her own senses. His plan needed some adjustment, but once the next stage kicked in it would fix everything.
Casey was looking at Brian blankly, like there was nobody home. “You ok in there?” He asked, hoping against hope that he might spark something in the girl.
He didn’t.
“I’m fine,” Casey replied cheerily, as though the idea that something might be wrong never crossed her mind. “Anyway, we better head back home soon so we can start working on our films!”
Brian groaned inwardly, but didn’t say anything as he picked up his empty drink. This was going to take longer than he thought, and it wasn’t getting easier with each new stage. There were just too many of them and they required too much patience. Still, his plan worked so far. He got this far with Casey and he had no intention of stopping. Not until he got what he wanted.
This time she only listened for two weeks. By then she was already showing noticeable improvements. Her grades went from nearly failing to near average. Brian suspected that it was more of an emotional change than an intellectual one, at least at first. She showed up wearing lipstick every time they met, and she spent more and more time applying makeup each time. Brian was disappointed by the results – they should have gone deeper – but at least he could move on with the next step.
The next part was harder to implement, since he needed to be closer to Casey. The subliminal learning programs taught her about feminist theory, but she wasn’t actually applying them in any practical way. Now he would use his personal interactions with Casey to introduce a counter argument to her existing beliefs, and to build the belief that men couldn’t understand women’s perspectives.
When Brian explained the details of his program to Casey, she thought he was crazy at first. He claimed to be using a subliminal programming technique that made a series of statements directly into the listener’s unconscious mind when they were asleep. This part made sense to Casey, since that’s how Brian’s material was working now. It was too subtle for Casey to notice without looking at her grades or hearing the words from Brian.
That’s why when he described the counter arguments he wanted her to introduce as though they were her own opinions, Casey refused him outright. The plan sounded insane, even less credible than the subliminal learning program she had agreed to. She said she’d only do it if he provided absolute proof that it was working the way he said it would.
Brian assured her it would work, but that it might take longer than normal because her initial programming worked so well and so quickly. Casey figured that this was some sort of placebo effect, and he was right when he said it would only help to have a second source validating her new ideas and counterarguments.
He gave her a recording of several conversations of himself and Amanda, along with some transcripts, in an effort to prove the technology worked. A few hours later she contacted him and said that she’d let him record whatever he wanted from their meetings.
“…the women’s movement is about inclusion, not exclusion,” Casey found herself responding to Lisa’s questions. “It doesn’t matter where you start from, as long as you get to the same place in the end.”
She thought Brian might have said those words before, but they fit nicely into the argument she was trying to make.
“What are you talking about?” Lisa asked, shaking her head in confusion.
“Oh… um,” Casey fumbled over her words. “We were just… we’re… it’s a short film about a group of misandrists who meet to brainwash a man into acting like an actual feminist, then they all fall in love.”
It was Brian’s story, and Casey knew she wasn’t very good at improvisation, but she felt it had gone pretty well. It was close enough to what was going to happen that she didn’t worry too much about the details.
“Sounds… interesting,” Lisa said, still looking confused. “Do you need to start brainwashing yourself so badly you’ll lie to your friends, or are you finally ready for another relationship after what happened with your last boyfriend?”
Casey looked surprised and embarrassed. Her cheeks turned a shade of red.
“Oh no!” Lisa exclaimed as she shook her head. “That was totally uncalled for. I’m sorry, Casey! It’s just that… the girls tell me you keep turning down advances from cute guys, and sometimes they even seem nice.”
“They only seem like they’re being nice,” Casey snapped back angrily, then bit her lip. “Sorry. I don’t mean to get angry when a guy gives me attention. I don’t know why I keep acting like this.”
Lisa patted her arm sympathetically. “I thought you were past this?”
“I’m starting to wonder. I thought I was, but since we’ve started this program I’ve been acting strange.”
“Since we started the program?” Lisa asked confusedly.
“Well no,” Casey corrected herself quickly, “it started after… after something else, a couple of weeks ago now. I’ve just noticed it more lately. Something about this whole situation – my studies, my life, this guy, everything – makes me want to rethink how I see myself and where I’m going.”
“You’ve certainly got me convinced,” Lisa joked. “This whole ‘feminist’ thing sounds great!”
Casey stuck out her tongue and took a long sip of her beer as she gave her friend a dirty look.
Brian had already arrived at the bar before Casey did. He looked out of place among the twenty-somethings who were drinking and flirting with each other, or playing pool or darts. He felt like he was old enough to be their dad.
Brian didn’t feel right calling himself old. It was true that he was turning 35 later that summer, but he’d had more experiences in his life than most 20-year-olds could imagine. As a college junior he’d created the first version of what would become the software that paid for his doctorate and changed his life.
He couldn’t take credit for creating the technology behind subliminal information transfers, but it had been his idea to use it as educational software, and his implementation had set a standard for the field. Other fields had developed their own specialties using it; he thought military applications and medical treatments had the greatest potential. The money from selling the software had let him focus on advanced education. Now he was close to finishing his PhD.
In fact, the main problem Brian was dealing with in his work was the amount of time and money needed to get approval to try some human trials. Some small projects were approved, like testing for long-term efficacy. His current tests would only affect a single student, and probably wouldn’t yield results that researchers would consider valuable.
Brian thought he had found the right test case for a much larger trial, one that would lead to better technology and change the world. He was pretty sure that this girl Casey was the key; she just didn’t know it yet.
“How did your test run go?” Brian asked after giving her a brief hug hello. They met in a coffee shop near campus.
Casey’s eyes lit up, and she pulled her book bag from her shoulder. She rummaged inside and pulled out one of her film texts. She handed it to him and told him to flip to a particular chapter. “Read that bit about patriarchy.”
Brian did as he was told and began reading. He read slowly and carefully at first. When he finished the opening sentence he started over again, this time quickly skipping over the parts that sounded familiar. As he flipped through the text he realized that it was all familiar. Even though the words were slightly changed, he felt like he’d seen the exact same passage somewhere before.
He put the book down, confused. He had never seen this particular textbook before.
“This sounds just like those audio programs of mine,” Brian muttered. He looked down to the bottom of the page and found a copyright date for 2015. “But I wrote these programs three years ago… so if my writing was plagiarized by whoever wrote this text book, why does my program read this as original?”
Casey seemed concerned with the strange line of questioning. She wasn’t quite sure how she could convince Brian to stop being weird and help her study. If he wouldn’t help her then she couldn’t be in his stupid movie. She didn’t understand what his problem was. He was usually such a good guy. Why would he suddenly turn on her?
“Listen, maybe we should get together after my classes tomorrow to talk about it?” she suggested.
“That would be good, yeah,” Brian agreed. He picked the book back up and continued reading, lost in his thoughts.
When Casey left, she made sure to bend over at the waist when picking up her bag, pushing out her ass and emphasizing the sway of her hips. She glanced over her shoulder to see if she caught Lisa’s attention, and when she turned her head she saw Brian watching as well. His eyes were hungry and intense, like a predator preparing to pounce. Casey felt a shiver run down her spine as she flashed him a smile before heading out the door.
Casey had worn slutty makeup and skimpy club wear lots of times before, so her attire tonight was no big deal to her. Her top was low cut, but not excessively low, and showed some cleavage without being vulgar. Her skirt wasn’t exceptionally short, even though the way she walked to keep it from riding up emphasized its shortness. Her heels gave her confidence, although they were far from uncomfortable. When she walked it reminded her of how sexy she was.
At the bar she attracted plenty of attention, which normally she would have ignored. But for whatever reason this evening she was in a mood to play along with some playful banter and accept a few compliments. Her friend Lisa joined her part way through her drink and she got more than a little jealous over the attention her friend was attracting.
Lisa excused herself to use the bathroom, and when she was gone Brian showed up and tried to chat with Casey. He was dressed simply: t-shirt, jeans, and a black hoodie just like hers.
“How about that Feminist Film Studies shit, huh?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I don’t understand any of it. Not yet,” Casey responded distractedly.
Brian seemed confused by her reaction, or perhaps her general lack of interest in talking to him. “Are you ok?”
Casey looked up sharply. “What do you mean?”
“You seem spaced out,” Brian replied with his best impression of concern. In truth, he was pleased to see that the program was taking root so quickly.
“Oh. I’m fine! Really. I think this is working amazingly well. Maybe I should even bump up my playback hours to fourteen hours a day!”
Brian blinked several times at Casey before responding. “Yeah, maybe try sticking with twelve and see how that goes.”
“Ok!” Casey responded happily, although she seemed preoccupied.
Brian took a step toward Casey, putting his face right in front of hers and peering into her eyes. “Casey? Is there something wrong?”
Casey’s eyes widened when he came in close, and she looked up from him back to Lisa who was sitting beside them. Brian glanced over his shoulder as Lisa shook her head silently and mouthed “don’t ask”.
“I don’t know,” Casey answered hesitantly. “Nothing’s really changed, I guess. Or maybe… I’m not sure.”
“Maybe we should talk about this later. Is your apartment still a mess like it was earlier? Where are you staying tonight?” Lisa asked casually.
“The apartment isn’t that bad,” Casey replied dismissively. She paused to consider her sleeping arrangements before adding, “I can sleep on my friend Amy’s floor, or maybe in the library.”
Lisa frowned, clearly unhappy with these answers, but unwilling to press further with Brian present. He sat down between the two women and ordered a drink.
“What’s up?” Casey asked excitedly. “How is everything going?”
“Your work sounds good so far. How long did it take you to come up with your theory about why women shouldn’t wear makeup?” Brian teased.
Casey pouted but kept the thought that sprang into her mind to herself.
Brian raised his glass. “You haven’t told anyone about this, right? This needs to stay quiet.”
The other two clinked their glasses with him.
“This has been fun,” Brian announced after he drained his glass. “But I’m here for business, not pleasure. See you kids later!”
He shook hands with the girls, and patted each of them on the back as they parted ways. Casey watched him leave while Lisa flagged down the waitress to get more drinks for the pair.
“I still feel like there’s something wrong,” Lisa commented when the waitress was gone.
Casey waved her off dismissively. “It’s fine! You don’t know him; he’s a super genius or whatever.”
“That doesn’t reassure me.”
“He’s a doctoral candidate working under Professor Anderson. He wouldn’t send us into this blind if he didn’t know what he was doing. We’ll both be fine. Besides, how much do I need to learn anyway? It’s all just stuff about movies we can watch with commentary track turned on.”
“Fine,” Lisa shrugged. “If you get possessed by Satan or your mind gets erased don’t expect any pity from me.”
The girls laughed together at Lisa’s joke, although they didn’t sound sure if it was funny to them or not. The conversation shifted away from Casey’s newfound obsession as the women drank more alcohol, which helped take their minds off their concerns.
Before long they were joined by Brian and Amy. The two couples started drinking together, making small talk until Brian decided to ask, “so when are we going to start work on the film?”
“Oh!” Casey exclaimed. “Well, um, I don’t really have time to get everything together right now.”
“Yeah, I know,” Brian retorted. “That’s why we should get started right away.”
“What film? Why would I agree to be in a film?” Amy asked.
“It was supposed to be for my class,” Casey explained. “It’s not really a film yet. We have some ideas but no concrete plans.”
Amy’s brow furrowed, but after a second she shrugged. “Well, ok I guess.”
Lisa shook her head sadly. “That doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well, whatever it is.”
The three girls made small talk while they drank and waited for Brian to return. Eventually the men found them again.
“This better not be about a threesome,” Lisa cautioned as the men approached.
“Nope, just two guys getting laid by two smoking hot babes,” Brian responded. Lisa rolled her eyes at the crude reply.
“Hey!” Casey shouted defensively.
Brian raised an eyebrow in confusion. Casey felt a momentary flush of shame, remembering their deal, but then Brian spoke again. “No offense.”
“Oh, alright. So… where are these smokin’ babes we’re going to seduce tonight?”
The women laughed, and Brian and his friend went over their options and made a plan. After some debate they picked a girl to target – an attractive blonde who appeared to be here on a date with an older, married looking man. They moved a little closer to put their plan into action.
After half an hour or so Brian came up to Lisa and Casey. “Alright ladies,” he started, “are we ready to go?”
“Go?” Lisa asked with a puzzled look on her face.
“This place will start getting crazy soon,” Brian answered with a shrug. “It won’t be as fun. But there’s an underground party happening nearby that one of the girls in the group knows about. That’ll be a better scene.”
Lisa shot a questioning glance at Casey, who gave her a confident smile back. The two of them weren’t into parties or dancing, but after Casey passed her exam they had agreed to do something fun. The party was a strange suggestion to Lisa, but she thought it was a good sign that Casey was starting to live a little more, so she went along with it.
Soon Brian was guiding them through dingy tunnels and down long rickety staircases to what appeared to be the basement of an abandoned warehouse. A woman sitting next to a heavy metal door was collecting payments and issuing wristbands that allowed customers in. Brian pulled his friends past the line and waved to the bouncer. She held out a hand to stop them, but Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of bills which he handed her.
“Heads up, there might be some drama tonight,” she said loudly as she opened the door and ushered the group inside. Brian rolled his eyes in response and shrugged as he guided the ladies into the building.
The scene inside was like nothing the college girls had ever seen. The room seemed huge, and dozens of people were dancing together with their bodies pressed close. The dance floor was surrounded by seating areas with mismatched couches and chairs. There were large speakers on either side of the room, but no DJ anywhere to be seen.
Everywhere they looked there were scenes of depravity that made their jaws drop open. On the couch nearest to the door a man was tied spread-eagle, wearing only briefs and blindfold. Two women dressed as cheerleaders were spitting in his mouth. A pair of men in black suits were tying ropes around him, while a fourth figure wearing a gas mask with hoses down to two large tanks strapped to its back loomed over everyone else.
A small cluster of nude figures gathered in front of the speakers, their skin glistening from the glow of the pink lights surrounding them. They danced with each other with the rhythm set by the beat. A petite Asian woman with dark hair knelt in the center of the crowd and allowed the others to rub themselves against her, coating their own skin in sweat, lubricating oil, and body glitter.
Behind another grouping of couches a man wearing a suit was fucking a redheaded woman. He appeared completely disinterested in her while she writhed on the couch beneath him. Two other men, each also wearing an expensive suit, stood next to the couple, one holding his cock near the woman’s face while he masturbated. The other man pulled a wad of cash out of his pocket, thumbed through it, and held it out for her. When the woman reached out to take it, the first man turned away in disgust and ejaculated onto her arm.
“No,” said Casey slowly, “this doesn’t look like brainwashing.”
“Oh my god!” Lisa shrieked. “Who is that?!”
“That’s Amanda.”
The second man handed over his money, grabbed ahold of her hair and started thrusting into her mouth. His companion stroked her hair and spoke to her as she sucked. “Good girl. You can take this cock. What a pretty girl.”
“I knew her!” Lisa sounded appalled. “She used to tutor me in biology! I thought she was studying biomedical engineering to go to med school. Is she just here so this guy can cum on her tits?”
Lisa seemed upset and uncomfortable, but Casey shrugged her off. “She’s just exploring other avenues of sexuality,” Casey explained matter-of-factly.
“How far are you willing to go for your feminism, anyway?” Lisa asked while gesturing at the woman on the couch. “Do you think she’s being raped? If this were some rape roleplay thing, would you say it’s ok? Do you want this guy to hold you down and force himself on you?”
“I don’t think it’s possible for me to consent to sex any less than I have. The most he could do is use me and abandon me like all of the other men in my life.”
Casey turned to the man next to them. “Hey, buddy. How about instead of fucking that whore you take us to your place so we can show you what sex should really feel like.”
Lisa tried to interrupt Casey, but was shocked into silence when Casey knelt in front of the man. “You can use my mouth too if you want. We can make ourselves cum just using our hands while I suck you off.”
The man stared for a minute before responding. “Sorry, but I don’t know where the fuck you came from, or what’s wrong with you, but no way am I touching either of you skanks.”
The man stood, and hurriedly left the bar, his hand clutching the whore. Casey shrugged. “Well, it was worth a try.” She laughed. “Amanda was right: that subliminal learning bullshit makes everything easy.”
“What did Amanda tell you?” Lisa asked in a hushed, worried voice.
Casey leaned in. “Don’t worry! It won’t affect you because you never listened to the program.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Oh yeah,” Casey replied confidently. “It wouldn’t work unless you listened to it. If you don’t hear it your brain can’t interpret it.”
“You’d better be right,” Lisa huffed. “How are you going to help Brian get laid if you’ve turned into some man-hater or something?”
Casey was quiet as she thought about this for a minute. When she first agreed to star in the porno and introduce him to the girls at the screening she had only intended to pay him back for tutoring her and saving her academic career. She didn’t think much about what her role would actually be at the time, or how being close to him could lead to situations involving nudity. Now though… the thought excited her, and it took her by surprise.
“No way!” Casey exclaimed to herself quietly enough that Lisa couldn’t hear it. “I’m not…” Casey looked around the room. There were guys here – lots of guys! All sorts of guys! And none of them had done anything to her to earn her animosity. None of them had hurt her, taken advantage of her, or oppressed her in any way.
In fact, now that she thought about it, there was a large number of women and even men who did deserve her wrath. They did treat women as interchangeable. They did use the feminine for their own personal profit. They did degrade and oppress women with every decision they made, while pretending their actions were harmless and benevolent.
A light seemed to click on in Casey’s head. The man who owned this bar certainly treated her better than those people deserved. He wasn’t forcing her into sex work, he was simply providing employment to any woman willing to offer the service. He certainly took a commission from his employees’ earnings, but why shouldn’t he? He provided a place for them to meet potential customers.
He didn’t care whether the women at his bar worked there because of the patriarchal sexualization of feminity and the commodification of women; he only cared about how much money he could make by offering what his patrons wanted. A businessman such as himself certainly saw nothing wrong with any of that.
A smile crossed Casey’s lips as she thought about this man, so focused on his business. She found him attractive before, but now that she saw his value she realized just how desirable he was. She suddenly felt the urge to go talk to him.
“Well,” Lisa replied, somewhat mollified, “if you say so. Just don’t be too loud about whatever bullshit it is you’re into now. If Professor Baxter starts getting ideas you might get your grade lowered for cheating.”
Casey laughed and reassured her friend as she excused herself to approach the bar. When the owner saw her approaching he gave her a charming smile. “What can I do for you, sexy?”
Casey knew that most customers here did business directly with the girls behind the bar, so being asked for directly always flattered her.
“You know, I didn’t wear makeup on purpose until today. Now that I’m doing it it feels pretty great.” She leaned across the bar, letting her cleavage become slightly visible through her hoodie. “So I was thinking,” she purred, “if you’ve got anything else I can use, that would make me feel even better, then maybe we could talk terms? Or, you know, if there’s something special I can do just for you…”
The bartender smiled broadly as his eyes lingered on Casey’s breasts. “Yeah, sure baby, let me see what I can do for you.”
Casey felt elated as he turned away to mix some drinks. Her body started to hum with sexual desire, and it occurred to her that this feeling hadn’t happened spontaneously since she first arrived at university. Maybe Professor Baxter had a point: being sexually attractive was fun and felt good. Why should society judge women for acting in their own self-interests?
The bartender put two cocktails in front of her. They were bright pink with little umbrellas and garnished with sliced strawberries. He smiled flirtatiously and winked at Casey. She gave him a coy smile in return and pushed one of the drinks over to Lisa.
Lisa watched as the bartender made change from the large bill that Casey offered to him, giving him a generous tip. “That looks like alcohol.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” Casey laughed.
“And yet, you’re still underage.”
“Who cares! You’ll cover for me if anyone asks.”
Lisa shook her head in disbelief. “Since when are you such a party animal?”
“It’s like I told you – trying makeup is just the tip of the iceberg. This is going to change my life and allow me to pursue my goals. In a few years I’m going to tell girls that I met in college about the great experience I had while trying to learn the meaning of feminism.”
Lisa was about to say something else, but Casey saw someone over her shoulder and gave a friendly wave to get their attention. “Oh! Hey, Brian!”
“Hey ladies!” Brian took the seat next to Casey. He slid into place so his leg was touching hers. “How are things?”
“Great!” Casey answered. “Brian is helping me with a project for Feminist Film Studies.”
Lisa scoffed in disbelief. “I didn’t think anyone could help you with that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Casey asked indignantly.
“Yeah,” Brian interrupted, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
Lisa shrugged. “Nothing. Just that Professor Baxter made it sound like her Feminist Film Studies course wasn’t for beginners. It doesn’t seem like anyone except a masochist would enjoy spending hundreds of dollars studying this drivel for three months.”
“Well maybe I’m starting to understand the theory!” Casey snapped.
Brian cleared his throat. He hadn’t seen Casey so emotional before. Lisa and Brian shared a look. They both shrugged silently as if to say “who knows”.
Casey saw them exchange looks and knew they didn’t believe her. She could tell by their body language that they were both thinking she must be going crazy.
Part of her knew that they were probably right. There were whole areas of her thoughts and memories where she felt lost or disconnected from. She often felt like there was something happening around her that she wasn’t quite aware of. But none of that made sense and didn’t feel right so she pushed it down. She pushed down her fears and doubts, and instead she smiled and told herself everything was fine.
It was probably just because she’d been working too hard on this project, but even though she tried to pretend to be normal, it was pretty obvious to Brian and Lisa that she wasn’t. And why should she be? Feminism meant not being afraid to be yourself, right?
Brian met Casey and Lisa at the bar a few nights later. Lisa invited him without asking Casey, and Casey wasn’t surprised since Lisa didn’t understand what a huge deal it was for him to help her with her studies. That didn’t stop Casey from resenting the intrusion, and feeling jealous when Brian focused his attention on Lisa.
“Weren’t you supposed to be making a movie?” Brian asked between beers. “Or did you decide you don’t need my help?”
“Yes! It’s great! It’s coming along very well!” Casey said enthusiastically. She went on to try to explain her idea about using Alien to demonstrate the differences between male and female depictions of power. “It’s not exactly what Professor Baxter wants, but I’m sure she’ll agree it works.”
Brian seemed less convinced, and he shook his head dismissively. “Alien is already too old and over-used to make any impact on the modern feminist discourse. I think you should do Kill Bill.”
Lisa rolled her eyes. Brian was wearing his usual white shirt with jeans, as if he just came from the office and didn’t bother to change for going out with the girls.
“We don’t need another movie about a kick-ass woman killing people,” Lisa told Brian.
“Well that’s what men like,” Brian retorted.
“And that’s my point,” Lisa scoffed. “Men watching violent movies about women is the whole problem in the first place!”
“You know who also likes action movies?” Brian countered. “Women!”
“Really? Did you just come here to make my night shitty? Is that all you ever think about?” Lisa turned away from him in a huff. “It’s your fault she’s taking this awful course.”
“He helped me with Amanda’s class!” Casey exclaimed defensively. “And it’s not his fault that I need the Feminist Film Studies course to graduate.”
“If he hadn’t…”
“Hey! That reminds me – we were going to discuss how you could help me for helping me with my studies.”
“Is that what we’re calling it now? What if we do him and call it ‘helping’ too?”
“This is serious!” Casey chided. “There’s more at stake here than just the credits and graduation!”
Lisa rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“You need to make this short film right?” Brian interrupted. “We’ll write the script and create it together, and that should earn your credit without any problems, right?”
“I suppose… But won’t you have to do this with Amanda to get credit from her?”
Brian leaned forward to look around Casey to give Lisa a look of his own. “I already got everything I need from Amanda.” He leaned back and grinned. “Besides, I bet we could use Amanda for filming and editing. I can come up with an excuse to have her over.”
Casey nodded in agreement, eager to start working on the project.
Brian raised a hand and waved to get the bartender’s attention, and when he turned away Casey felt a sudden rush of panic. Was she going to be trapped again? Would she be spending even more time with this man who seemed to see her as an object?